Candy on the Cape

No Makeup? No Way!

2010-09-23T15:54:00.000-07:00

I came across this blog post the other day about going makeup free for a week and had to take a hard look at myself and my habits.

It's not like I look like a cast member of the "Jersey Shore," but I do wear makeup pretty much, oh all right, every day. I even out my skin tone with a light touch of foundation, use my favorite blush by Tarte, curl my eyelashes, use a couple of swipes of mascara, and apply some lipstick and gloss. If I'm going out at night, it gets a little more elaborate with maybe a smokey eye. It's something I don't even think about, it's just part of my lifestyle like flossing and blow drying my hair. What can I say? I enjoy being a girl.

I understand the idea behind going makeup free - embracing your natural beauty and not conforming to societal preconceived ideas of what a woman should look like... I get it. I have some friends who wear no makeup, and some who wear more than me. I have always thought the ultimate goal of feminism should be to allow each of us to be who we are. And for me that means a moderate amount of makeup, quite often some heels and clothes I feel great in.

I don't believe these things minimize who I am any more than they define me. I am smart, ambitious, funny and caring. I just happen to believe looking good and being taken seriously aren't mutually exclusive.

I Am My Own Geek Squad

2010-08-17T10:33:00.001-07:00

We had some pretty impressive thunderstorms early this morning here on Cape Cod, along with some much needed soaking rains. Because it was so dark I slept in, well for me I slept in - 7:30 isn't exactly the crack of noon.

Tuesday is my Skype day with my daughter in Korea so I got myself into the shower, fed my meowing cats and sat down to sign on and wait to talk with Emma. Only one problem, no Internet connection. I rebooted, I plugged and unplugged my Linksys and modem under my desk, still no connection. At this point I picked up my phone - just as I thought, no dial tone. A curious situation because I'd just been watching Matt Lauer.

After making it through the maze of voicemail at Comcast I finally got Chuck. Chuck I realized thought I had mad tech skills because he was instructing me to do things in my creepy basement with the main modem that I didn't have a clue how to do. And, did I mention my basement seems creepy and I don't like my basement, or any basement?

Since my land line wasn't working and I was on my cell, I immediately lost my lifeline, Chuck, as I descended into the bowels of my home. I was equipped with the requested paperclip and flashlight and could not figure out what the hell he'd told me to do. I sill don't get how in 2010 a paperclip counts as a high-tech tool.

I called my friend Mary Lou who's much more tech-savvy than me. I'm betting a tree stump is more tech savvy than me. She told me what to look for and with the clock ticking on my Skype date I once again went into the cobwebby cellar. I unplugged and replugged, and stuck the end of a paperclip in a tiny hole. And then I ran the hell up the stairs.

I picked up my phone - a dial tone! I had done it! I ran up, signed on to Skype, and proceeded to check my e-mail. At the top of the inbox, an e-mail from Emma. "Sorry, can't Skype today, how about Thursday?"

Well, the morning wasn't a total waste, now I know how to fix a modem with a paperclip. Call me anytime, I am now officially Geek Girl.

"Eat Pray Love" - Take From the Menu What You Like and Leave the Rest

2010-08-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

All right, I will confess I did not make it through the book version of "Eat Pray Love." I wasn't crazy about Elizabeth Gilbert's voice, and found her a bit cool and unfriendly.

That said, I do believe in the message and overall goal of being true to yourself and seeking happiness.

Yes, the character of Liz Gilbert (and the real life one) was suffering from first world problems. She wasn't being abused, wasn't hungry or in danger, but she felt unsatisfied with her life. I daresay most of us have felt that way at one point or another. Hell, I feel it on a regular basis.

I don't happen to believe that looking for ways to be happier or more complete in your life makes you spoiled, selfish or in any other way defective. I think it makes you alive, clever and aware.

Many reviews have been, well, harsh to say the least, implying it is self-indulgent and who is this woman to complain about her life anyway?

In our rush to judge we seem to believe that unless you're in danger of losing life or limb who are you to complain? I believe we are put here to be happy. Not every minute of course, but to overall have a happy life. And I believe you need to do what you need to do (save destroying others' lives) to make that happen.

Most of us can't or won't take a year to travel, eat, meditate and reflect, but we can, in our own small, personal ways find our own path to happiness.

And what that ends up looking like is completely up to you.

Just Because I'm Not 25, Don't Label Me!

2010-08-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

There was an article in the New York Times today about the trials of being a "formerly," a new word for a woman who was once hot, but because age has ravaged her so, apparently, can no longer be labeled as such.

I have sat by while my contemporaries have been called MILFs and cougars, well, I haven't always been silent, but I have let it float by. But today when I read about yet another new label, I thought enough already!

There is a tendency in most of us to want to label which I get. But I've reached a saturation point with how single women are regarded, and I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!

Just because you are no longer twenty-something doesn't mean you aren't beautiful or sexy. I actually like to think that older women are more comfortable in their own skin ergo, are sexier and better partners.

I am not the same woman I was at 25, thank God! I have clarity, a perspective and confidence I didn't have back then. My butt may not be what it used to be, and my stomach, having expanded to grow two big-headed boys doesn't lie quite as flat, but I think I'm still pretty damn good.

I am not formerly anything. I am presently happy, confident, attractive and yes, at times, sexy. I never want to look back and think those were the good old days, these are the best days, and I intend to completely enjoy them, stretch marks and all.

Let's Keep Cape Cod Reality TV Free

2010-04-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

I live on Cape Cod - hence the name, "Candy on the Cape." After the success of "The Jersey Shore," TV executives decided they wanted to keep this cash cow going and come up with a new twist, this is where the seed of, "Wicked Summah" was planted.

I'm a writer who writes about pop culture and entertainment often. I love movies, watch TV and am not some puritanical New Englander. But, I am against this show. I feel it sinks to the lowest common denominator and encourages debauched, classless behavior.

Cape Cod is where my own 20 and 30 something children grew up. Yes of course during the summer lots of folks come here to party, but we're a lot more than that. How about we celebrate the great and inspiring things going on here - the folks doing things to help others and make this a better place to live?

If like me you want to keep the Cape reality TV free, take a second and sign this petition.

The Appeal and Amusement of Small Town Living

2010-04-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

"Gilmore Girls" is probably my all-time favorite TV show, and the town of Stars Hollow has always reminded me of where I live.

I live in a very small Cape Cod town. How small is small? Well, we have one traffic light, and it only flashes, it doesn't change. We have a general store that hosts a coffee hour for older gentlemen at the crack of dawn every morning. We have a hardware store, some small markets, (you have to go to another town for a Stop and Shop or Shaw's)a plethora or antique stores, a post office and some banks.

And we have a lot of characters.

Last night I started my evening at a business networking/social event and met some amazing people, like a woman from Champ Homes, an organization that helps homeless people get into secure housing. She was completely inspiring. I had fun talking to some other people, but had planned to sneak out early to go to a local open mic night run by a friend of mine, folk singer, David Roth. I'd planned to go alone, but my friend Diane, an amazing yoga teacher, jumped up and said she'd love to go. So off we went.

As with any open mic night you never know what you're going to get. When we walked in a man was sitting in front of the mic with a guitar and telling the story of a breakup that then led into a very sad song about how once his girlfriend and her Milk Bone eating dog were gone how much he missed her.

After him a group of kids sang a song they'd written with David in a song writing workshop with him about the gift of having a home. Total choking up moment for sure.

Next up was a woman who sang a song she wrote for Chrissie Hynde about how in her mind Chrissie is a lesbian only sleeping with women like Joan Jett. It was actually a pretty catchy tune.

It was jarring however to go from the electric guitar musings of rock and roll lesbianism to an older gentleman and his concertina singing about John Barleycorn. At this point Diane and I began to lose it. Seated in the back of the room we tried to discretely hide our escalating silliness, but it was a challenge. I'd pulled out my ever-present reporters notebook from my bag (I didn't want to forget a moment of this evening) and we began writing notes back and forth like we were in middle school.

"This is a perfect example of the whacked patriarchy that could make a woman lose it for Chrissie Hynde" she wrote about the Barleycorn man.

Or after one particularly not-so-great ditty when she wrote to me, "Can I just say, holy shit?"

The icing on the cake however had to be a semi-pornographic poem one man got up to read about clams. Yes, clams. It was actually pretty clever and by the end I was feeling kind of... hot. And craving melted butter.

As we sat there, trying to be good audience members, a very warm, non-clam related feeling came over me. As I looked around I thought only in a tiny town in New England could you have a evening like this. An evening that registered somewhere between a Dali painting and a sitcom.

In my town we may not have a movie theater, an art museum or even a Starbucks, but hey, we've got folks who write about clams, Chrissie Hynde and even if they can't sing a note are brave enough to get up and give it their all.

I'll be sure to be there the next time, sitting in back and trying to be good, but no matter how amusing some of it is, I love that I live in a place where people can be themselves, no matter how odd that may be.

Sometimes a breakdown = a breakthrough

2010-03-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

Relationships. Not a huge word, but huge subject.

You could write a book about it. Wait, lots of people have, and we don't seem to any smarter about them, well, I'm sure not.

In theory it doesn't seem like it should be as hard as we make it. Boy meets girl, they have a spark, they like each other, hopefully it grows to more, and everyone lives happily ever after. Ends up, that really is a fairy tale.There's a lot of false starts, broken hearts, misunderstandings and fights along the way.

In this week alone we've watched Kate Winslet split from Sam Mendes and ever more surprisingly, had to watch the public humiliation of Sandra Bullock dealing with the alleged infidelity of her husband, Jesse James. Why is it so hard to love and be loved?

I've spent a lot of time on a lot of couches trying to figure this out. Therapists couches, folks, get your minds out of the gutter. And after reading book after book, every woman's magazine on the planet, interviewing experts and waging my own unsuccessful experiments, I'm no closer to the answer.

I've been reading the book, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin and happened this week to be reading about love. And I came up with a theory of my own.

In the book she describes a week where she is just nice to her husband all the time. She doesn't question him when he wants to go the the gym when she's really looking for some help with the kids, packs his lunch, does errands for him and is just an all around super nice partner. Sounds great, right?

I believe that you treat people how you wish to be treated. So, I'm nice. I try to be thoughtful, caring, considerate and undemanding. I cut people a pretty wide berth. I have worked hard to learn to respond and not react, I take responsibility for myself and try to not blame others for whatever my lot seems to be.

But there's a downside to this I've discovered. By being so nice all the time and seeing the other person's point of view, being patient and understanding, it's easy to forget your own needs. When that little voice pops up in my head telling me I don't like something, I tend to rationalize it away and find a way to on the surface be okay, but underneath it all, not so much.

I've been told I'm sweet, (which I believe is the female equivalent of being a "nice guy" and we all know how well that usually turns out) and I'm thinking maybe being sweet isn't always such a good thing. There's a reason why books like "Why Men Love Bitches" become best sellers.

In the span of less than three years I lost both of my parents, and almost lost my oldest son, twice to drug overdoses. These events profoundly changed me. What used to seem important isn't anymore - if someone is late, hey, I'm glad they are alive and well. Small, irritating things really don't seem important.

But what I've found is that in trying to be so Zen-like about the things that really do bother and hurt me, I kind of lost myself. And here I was thinking, rather ironically, I'd really found myself, and the perfect way to be in a relationship. The thing was though, I still had the same needs I always did - to be appreciated, heard, respected, valued and loved, but I was so busy putting others' needs ahead of my own I kind of forgot to ask for that. Perhaps after having lost so much I've erred on the side of wanting to please, lest I lose more.

So my new theory is that yes, you can be nice, be kind and loving, and do all the things you truly love to do for others, but you have to be just as nice to yourself and ask for what you need too. That's a stretch for us nice girls, we're not always very good at that, but I do truly think that's the answer.

It's not rocket science, but who knows, it's simple enough that it might just work.

Does Tiger Woods Owe Me Anything?

2010-02-20T05:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I watched the first stage of the Tiger Woods apology tour. I wasn't alone, I heard that trading even slowed on Wall Street as he stood there reading his prepared statement before a select group of family, sponsors and sports management folks.

As I watched I didn't feel cynical, I thought he seemed sincere, and extremely uncomfortable. I could imagine nothing much worse for a guy than standing there, in front of his mother no less, talking about how he had extra martial relationships with not just one, but many women.

But what has struck me as much more interesting than his actual statement has been the inevitable aggressive post mortem that has transpired in the less than 24 hours since.

Angry news people and women he slept with, all critiquing and analyzing body language, weighing every word and examining every nuance with a scrutiny usually reserved for frame by frame examination of the Zapruder film. I half expected to see people with torches and pitchforks running through the street.

"I don't think he's really sorry!"

"Yeah, he seemed rehearsed!"

"He should have just spoken, not read something!"

"I hate him!"

What do these people want? Honestly, if I was ever in that situation I'd want a script too. I cannot imagine anything more humiliating than having to stand before the entire world talking about my sex life.

But other than those personally impacted by his choices - namely his wife, children, mom and co-workers, who does he owe? Certainly not me.

He screwed up. Big time. His behavior is beyond the pale in indiscretion, selfishness and insensitivity to his wife. No one deserves to ever be so disrespected, disregarded and mistreated. Elin and only Elin can decide if she can forgive him and work toward repairing their marriage. That choice is hers alone and is none of my business.

As for the women he cheated with who feel they too deserve an apology and more than they've gotten, I say, really????? Really???? You had relationships with a married man. You're not a victim, you made a choice. Tiger Woods is a celebrity, it's not like you didn't know he was married. To those who have cashed in on the fact that they slept with him I say, well, quid pro quo, ladies, - you have truly screwed each other.

Maybe I'm alone in my thinking, but I don't feel Tiger Woods owes me a thing. I don't deserve, need or want to know how many women he slept with, what they did, where they did it or why. There's only one person who deserves those answers and it's certainly not Oprah, Anderson Cooper or me.

Love it or Hate it, Valentine's Day is Coming

2010-02-09T06:02:00.000-08:00

I spent a good part of last week writing an article for the Cape Cod Times about Valentine's Day to run on February 12. The theme was great love stories. I asked several people to tell me about their favorite love song, movie or book. I got a myriad of answers, and I learned something else: lots of people HATE Valentine's Day. I mean REALLY hate it. I have to admit I was a little stunned at the intensity of these feelings.

Admittedly I have had my own strained relationship with the holiday. Mostly I've loved it, but there have been times I've been a bit less than simpatico with the day. Sometimes it served as a reminder of a lost love, or felt like a flashing sign screaming "loser" when strolling the aisles of my local CVS looking to purchase nail polish remover and the latest copy of Glamour, and coming face to face with teddy bears dressed as cupid. There were times, in the past I wanted to rip their furry little heads off.

But no more. I've made peace with Valentine's Day in last few years and have become one of its biggest fans, even in the face of detractors willing to pitch heart shaped candies at my loving, smiling face. I am now leading a one-woman campaign to help people see it isn't just about romance, it's about love. It's not about breaking the bank to buy over-priced roses and jewelry, it's being kind and thoughtful to those you love - whether it's a child, partner, parent or pet.

I think Valentine's Day is the sweetest holiday of the year. There's no big rush to buy everyone you know a gift, no endless to-do list or huge meal to prepare for your entire extended family. It's simple and it' s sweet.

And in my mind, any day that gets us to think about loving one another and being sweet is indeed a very good thing.

Being Naked Isn't Always Pretty

2010-01-25T15:11:00.000-08:00

So I was reading this blog post today about how good being naked is for you, and I was thinking, yeah, well, maybe not in every circumstance or for every body.

I've never been someone who likes to sit around naked, do chores naked or write naked. I kind of have to say the thought of any of those things makes me feel pretty uncomfortable. And chilly.

Perhaps it's being a New Englander. Not only does the persistent cold and dampness preclude round the clock nudity, it's a mindset. I cannot imagine my old maid aunts (or, "unappropriated blessings" as my grandfather apparently called his sisters) sitting around playing canasta in the nude. Having met my great aunts, Emma and Mary on many occasions, I can pretty much bet they never got naked. Ever.

I'm sure we've all had naked friends, you know those people who are oh so free and uninhibited. There were a couple of women at the gym I used to go to who would stand there buck naked and carry on a conversation with me as they put lotion on, brushed their hair and way too slowly finally got dressed. I always wanted nothing more than to hand them a towel and cover them up.

Maybe I'm a bit of a prude. Or shy, or very easily made uncomfortable. I'd wager all three. I just don't need to see all of anyone I'm not in an intimate relationship with. And lord knows I don't want to be showing all God and a lifetime of questionable food and exercise choices, and baby making has given me to just anyone. I like to think by the time I get to that point in a relationship, that the select person invited into my nerve wracked world has already been blinded by my charms. And if that doesn't work there's always the forgiving nature of very dim candlelight, and the equally forgiving effect of a couple of glasses of wine.

Emma Eun Bee - The Best Almost Christmas Gift Ever

2009-12-06T04:52:00.000-08:00

Twenty-one years ago today someone came into my life who forever changed it very much for the better. That person is my daughter, Emma who on December 6, 1988 arrived into our family on a plane from Seoul, Korea.

Emma was tiny. At three-years-old she was barely on the growth chart, weighing in at only about 23 pounds and 32 inches tall. After over 24 hours of travel her hair was matted, she had green gook running from her nose and she spoke no English. But from the second I'd seen her photos months before, she was my daughter. As soon as I saw those above photos of that tiny girl with her name pinned to her shirt, I fell in love.

I've always had a very hard time writing about how I feel about any of my children because I love them so much words just escape me. I truly don't have the words to say how much I love her. Emma has been such a gift in my life, I cannot imagine how my life would look without her.

I'm one of those lucky moms who can honestly say Emma isn't just my daughter, she's a friend as well. Granted, a friend who gives me a really hard time, teases me relentlessly and makes me question myself, but that's a big part of why I adore her. She is sassy, smart, funny and despite her attempts to hide it from everyone - she's a loving, caring young woman.

When Emma graduated from Wellesley College a year and a half ago, I sat there wishing her birth mother could see her. That she could see how her selfless act of letting her toddler daughter go to a country thousands of miles away had turned out. Here she was, this girl who'd been orphaned in Seoul, Korea graduating from the school of Hillary Clinton and Madeleine Allbright. I thank this woman I will never know for entrusting me to love and raise the daughter she gave birth to. I am forever in her debt and hope on some level she knows just how much I adore the girl she named Eun Bee.

Emma is now back in Korea for one year. She always wanted a chance to go back and spend some real time in the country of her birth. She's teaching English to elementary and middle school students who don't believe she is Korean because she dresses and sounds like an American. She is loving her time there and learning more about what it means to be a Korean American.

She loves to tell me that it took 21 years, but that she finally found a way to escape the US and find her way back to Korea, away from the crazy white people who adopted her. I know however, that as much as she loves to tease and torment me that she loves me as much as I love her. Well, maybe almost as much.

Is Bella Swan of "Twilight" a Good Role Model? I'm Not So Sure

2009-11-26T06:51:00.000-08:00

I read all four of the "Twilight" books last winter and while they weren't great literature, I had a good time reading them. I did however always have my concerns about the messages being sent to the tween and teen girls the books were targeted at.

Last night I went to see "New Moon" with a friend and both of us had some real concerns and questions about what girls were being told about what love looks like and how relationships should be.

There are some spoilers here, so be aware!

In this second book of the four, Edward, the sparkly vampire, leaves Bella who completely falls apart without him. All right, so we've all been heartbroken at least once in our lives and it sucks. But. most of us move on, right? Not Bella. She sits looking out her window for months and months. She loses weight, she sits alone at school and ceases all contact with any friends. Can we say co-dependent anyone?

The only thing that brings Bella out of her funk is when she starts hanging around with Jacob, her werewolf friend. She's seems to only be okay when there is a guy in her life who becomes her whole life. Not exactly the message I would have wanted my daughter to be getting at 13, or any age for that matter.

My friend Sandy brought up two great points as well: We don't really know Bella. She is a blank canvas. All we see is her obsession with Edward. Does she like dance? Sports? Reading? We don't know because she is like a hologram, an empty shell of a person other than her love for Edward. She is so completely dependent on him that it caused my daughter to say while reading the books, "Bella needs to grow a pair." She appears strong in some ways, but only when it comes to Edward, without him she ceases to live, until she gloms on to Jacob, essentially using his love for her to make herself feel better. She's really not a very nice girl.

Sandy's second point, very well taken, is the subtle message of domestic violence in the movies and books. There's always the possibility that Edward could hurt her, and he's protective of her to the point of controlling her and treating her like a child. He's a guy, he knows better, she needs to listen to him. There are elements of stalking in the way he's always there, watching her. We are given the message that she cannot be safe or function in the world without Edward right there. It makes me think of the No Doubt song, "I'm Just a Girl." You're just a girl so be careful!

Worse that this is the wolf pack couple, Sam and Emily. Emily bears a disfiguring scar on her face from a time Sam got angry and phased from man to wolf and attacked her. But, here she is, lovingly making muffins for them all when Sam comes in, pulls her into his arms and kisses her. Is the message girls are getting, "Hey girls, just because a guy gets mad and hurts you doesn't mean you still shouldn't love him"? Men get angry every day and hurt the women they supposedly love. It's not okay. And being a werewolf is not an excuse!

As we drove home from the movie we talked about the seriousness of the messages about love that girls are getting from these books and it's a bit disturbing. Young girls are impressionable and what they read and see on screen does impact what they think love should look like.

My hope is that girls can override the messages in these stories, see them as flawed fairy tales and know that they are valuable people who can survive and thrive without a boy/vampire/werewolf in their lives. Anyone who has read the entire series knows that eventually Bella gets her wish to give up her mortal life and become a vampire, able to live for all eternity with her beloved Edward. Do we really wants girls thinking about giving with their lives for the boys they love? That's not romance, that's suicide.

I think a much better cinematic role model, if you're looking for one, might just be Bridget Jones who ends up with Mark Darcy, a man who loves her just as she is. And she doesn't even have to become undead to be with him, she just gets to be herself. All in all, a pretty good message.

My Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade

2009-11-16T14:19:00.000-08:00

Recently I was reading my dear friend's blog where he had listed his top ten TV shows of the decade and was struck by the fact that while there were some choices (several actually) I agreed with, it was still a decidedly "guy" list. So, I decided to make my own list. My own girl-centric list.

So herein lies my Top Ten All Time Favorite TV Shows of the Decade. These may not all be critical winners, but I love them.

10. "South Park." This show isn't always great, but when it's on, it's spot on. Who can forget the "Trapped in the Closet" episode?
9. "Ally McBeal." It's easy to forget this show because it's been off the air for a few years, but it was edgy and broke boundaries with it's unusual story lines, dancing babies, cute pajamas and frogs. And whimsy, there's not enough whimsy on TV.
8. "Daily Show"/"The Colbert Report." Sad or not, these two back to back Comedy Central shows are one of my favorite sources of new. Smart, incisive and willing to offend anyone and everyone, they are often the first ones to point out hypocrisy where it needs a spotlight.
7."The Sopranos." Okay, so the series end was a little vague, but it was a show that kept me coming back season after season.
6. "30 Rock." I adore Tina Fey. I think she's a genius. Any woman who can be the head writer of "Saturday Night Live, " write "Mean Girls," and create this series is totally my hero.
5. "Mad Men." The show just ended it's third season and it's already in my top five. The characters are well drawn, the set and costume design are stellar, the writing is top notch and the acting is superb.
4. "Rescue Me." This series about a group of New York City Firefighters in a post 9/11 NYC is gritty, hard hitting, funny at times and always intense and thought provoking. As both its star and co-writer, Denis Leary is amazing.
3. "The Office." I just love the lads and ladies of Dunder Mifflin.
2. "Sex and the City." This show has great dialogue like: Charlotte: "I just know no matter how good I feel about myself, if I see Christy Turlington, I just wanna give up."
Miranda: "Well I just want to tie her down and force feed her lard, but that's the difference between you and me."
1. "Gilmore Girls." This may not have been a super critically acclaimed show, but the writing was magnificent and completely holds up a few years after the series end. Admittedly it did jump the shark when Luke had a previously unknown daughter show up in the next to last season, but it still remains my favorite if for no other reason that the love I have for my own daughter and that special bond only a mother and daughter can share.

Is Being A Good Wife An Outdated Idea?

2009-11-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

In today's London Times I read an article about being a "good wife." When I saw the headline I admit I had visions of suggestions of wrapping yourself in Saran Wrap or making sure you've got a pot roast in the oven and that his socks are properly sorted. What I read was nothing like that.

Now as a disclaimer - I'm the first to admit that being divorced might preclude me from waxing too seriously about how to be a good wife, but actually having been divorced may give us divorced folks a better perspective - we sure know what doesn't work.

As I read the above article what I realized was that the message was mostly about being kind and being supportive. Now call me the anti-Christ of feminism, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Why wouldn't you want to be with someone who makes you feel good about who you are and is unfailingly supportive?

Of course these are things that go both ways. Being a good husband requires the same support and kindness as well.

I wince at the way I hear some women talk about their husbands and men in general. I happen to like men. Very much so. Sure they think differently than women do, but they're not dumb Neanderthals dragging their knuckles on the ground waiting for us to tell them what to do.

Author Ayelet Waldman caught a whole lot of hell when she wrote about loving her husband more than her children. She spoke of not replacing the passion she feels for her husband with how she feels about her children. She was pilloried for saying this, but I think she had a point.

The "good wife" article goes on to talk about the importance of kissing and having sex as well. Think about that the next time you ignore your significant other in favor of updating your status on Facebook or watching "Project Runway." It just seems that we've decided that TV, computers and cell phones are more important than the person we share our lives with. Maybe it is an outdated ideal I have, but I think nothing is more important than relationships, and at the top of that list is the relationship with your partner.

Last year I read a book, "Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off The TV And Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!)" by Douglas Brown and first thought, damn it, why can't I come up with a high concept book idea like this, and second, I think the author had a point. The more often you are affectionate and loving, the more you want to be.

So what does it mean to be a good wife or husband? I think it's pretty simple - always remember to treat your mate like the treasured friend they are. Too often people treat their spouse in ways they'd NEVER treat their best friend. Don't let stupid things get in the way. Socks and tops of toothpaste tubes don't matter in the long run. Take the time to remember why you chose this person in the first place.

And then make sure you kiss. A lot.

Does Any Woman Think She Has "Good Hair?"

2009-10-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

I was given an assignment to write a story to talk to women about the issues brought up in Chris Rock's movie, "Good Hair." As a Caucasian woman with what I guess would be called, "good hair" I wasn't sure I was the right person to write this article. Even though I decided not to do the story, it did get me thinking about about the question I posed in the headline: Does ANY woman think she has good hair?

Last week at my writing group the six of us were talking about this very topic. These were all white woman of varying ages and hair types. I heard a variety of complaints.

"My hair is too thin."

Mine's too curly"

"Mine's too flat."

"When it rains I can't do a thing with it."

When I was 13-years-old I used to take my already-straight, long, blond hair and roll it over a giant orange juice can in an effort to make it even straighter. Like many women I have had a life long love/hate relationship with my hair. At this point in my life most days I like it. But I've permed, highlighted, straightened, ironed, moussed, gelled and fluffed all in an effort to feel like I've got good hair.

In a conversation with an older black woman I know, she enlightened me a bit about the history of all the torturous ways women of color have straightened their hair for decades. She described painful sessions as a child, her mother using a almost-red hot comb to straighten her hair, one searing section at a time. There are chemicals that burn your scalp, electric irons to flatten and straighten and hours spent blow drying it within an inch of its life.

This woman, who has seen a lot in her life, was shocked however when I told her that many, many Caucasian women struggle with their hair too. By no means am I minimizing the racist undertones women of color and their hair choices face, but I just think in many ways we're all a lot more a like than we often think. And as a true woman's woman, I think we should stick together and celebrate how we can support one another in any way we can.

Now that I'm a little older I've learned to appreciate what I have and who I am. That doesn't though that for one minute mean I'm going to trade in the highlights and hair products and go all natural. I'm not crazy! I celebrate what God and my very lovely parents gave me, and the rest is thanks to a great hairdresser and some really good styling products.

David Letterman - Bad Guy? Victim? Or Both?

2009-10-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

Once again we're being forced to know way too much about a celebrity's private life and the sad thing is, I'm less and less shocked every time something salacious comes out about someone.

That said, I have to admit I thought a bit more of Dave. In my 20s and 30s I had a major crush on the comedian. I loved his geekiness and self-deprecating humor. I didn't bother to think about the possible ego involved in getting someone that far up in the food chain of fame. What was I thinking? Like many men in positions of power of course he slept with willing young women.

Before he was a parent and partner that was fine, but now there are a couple of people who need him to not be an ego-centric star and just be a dad and a husband.

Being the crack investigative journalist I pretend to be, I wanted to know what one of Dave's former long-term girlfriends had to say about all this, so I went to her blog. I have always loved Merrill Markoe. She and Dave created a lot of the bits - like Stupid Pet Tricks, that Dave still uses. She didn't say much in her post, but the line, "As you can imagine this is a very emotional moment for me because Dave promised me many times that I was the only woman he would ever cheat on," led me to believe that this isn't the first time he's been unfaithful.

To answer my own question in my headline, I think he's both a bad guy and a victim. It's wrong obviously for someone to shake you down for cash in order to keep their silence, but clearly he was not right in cheating on his girlfriend/now wife.

There's no easy answer to why people cheat, and let me be clear, I know women do it as well, I just think it seems a bit more common amongst males. Especially successful males in positions of power.

When Dave first confessed his transgression my first thoughts went to his wife. My heart broke for her because there are few things more painful than being betrayed by the person you trust and love more than anyone. Behind all his jokes about how chilly things are at home is someone who is really hurting, and there's nothing funny about that.

I would love to live in a world where no one hurts people they love. Where people are faithful, loving and true. But humans are flawed and at times weak.

I may be less shocked when these things happen, but it doesn't mean I'm not disappointed. I always thought Dave seemed like a good, stand-up, mid-western guy, but no matter how old I am or how much that's not good life shows me, I will never give up hope that most people are indeed committed and good.

So When Did a Size 10 Become Plus Sized?

2009-09-01T16:09:00.000-07:00

When I saw all the brouhaha about this photo of model Lizzie Miller in Glamour magazine I was a bit torn. On one hand I thought it was great that this photo of a woman who is a size 12-14 (the size of the average American woman) had garnered lots of positive response from readers wanting more. Yet on the other hand, looking at this lovely woman, it made me sad that she was considered "plus sized."

Our expectation of beauty is so far out of whack I don't know if we can ever find a healthy balance. We have designers who create fashion for women built like 12-year-old boys, not the beautiful curvy creatures we are, and a multi-billion a year magazine and beauty industry that preys on our insecurities and makes us feel bad about ourselves.

Lizzie Miller is 5'11" and weighs 180 pounds. She has a little bit of a tummy, and isn't a stick. She looks like a woman, a very beautiful woman.

In doing a little research I discovered that as a woman who is 5' 9 1/2" tall and wears size 8s and 10s I am considered plus-sized in the modeling world. In my life I only know a couple of women who wear sizes as small as the ones models are expected to wear - and both are about 5'2," not over 5'9" like most models.

Due to the overwhelming positive response Glamour received from running this photo, they are planning in November to run nude photos of several plus sized models.

It's a start, but the real success will come when it doesn't take a "special issue" of a magazine to have women of all sizes and shapes in their pages. When that day comes hopefully it will allow girls to grow up loving themselves, just as they are.

You Can't Go Too Far In Scaring People About Texting And Driving

2009-08-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this isn't the most cheery thing to watch, but please do. Studies show that texting while driving is actually more dangerous than driving drunk. If you know a teen driver sit them down and make them watch this.

This PSA was filmed in England. American television companies felt it was too graphic to show here. Two weeks ago a 19-year-old girl on Cape Cod, where I live was killed on our main highway, she crossed lanes, hit an elderly couple (who recovered) and died. How important was that message she just HAD to send at that moment? I doubt it was worth losing her life over. I don't think you can scare teens enough about texting and driving.

Let's make Don't Text And Drive as much a part of our culture as Don't Drink And Drive.

John Hughes: Writer, Director and Teen Whisperer

2009-08-07T16:44:00.000-07:00

I wasn't a teen when John Hughes hit the big time, I was a twenty-something and a young mom. But I was young enough and also old enough to know he really got it. I was extremely sad to hear of his passing yesterday at only 59-years-old.

My first Hughes movie was "National Lampoon's Vacation," and from the opening credits with Lindsay Buckingham singing "Holiday Road" I was in love. The writing was so smart, so quick, and so unlike anything we'd been seeing at the movies. I was eight months pregnant with my second son. In August. A hard time to feel anything is funny, but I still remember walking around outside in downtown Chatham, MA on that summer night reciting favorite lines to my then-husband. Lines like, when talking about French kissing, cousin Vicki tells Audrey, "My daddy says I'm the best." Or, Clark flipping out about Wally World being closed: "We watch his program... We buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? F-----' A right he owes us!"

I read today online a quote from Steve Martin where he said he once asked the filmmaker how long it took him to write "Planes, Trains and Automobiles," the film Martin starred in with John Candy, to which Hughes humbly offered, "I wrote it over a weekend." To writers like me who took 3 years to write a novel, that is unbelievable. To say he was prolific in an understatement.

He will, however be forever known for his teen movies. "The Breakfast Club," "Sixteen Candles," "Ferris Bueller's Day Off and "Pretty in Pink" were spot on in how teens think, relate to their parents and each other.

I've had the pleasure of interviewing Anthony Michael Hall several times, and he counts the films he did with Hughes as something he's forever grateful for. Unlike some former teen stars, he is gracious when fans ask him about those films, he embraces the era, and knows he was part of something iconic.

In this era of practically everyone shouting "Look at me! Look at me!" via Twitter, Facebook and blogs (oops, well, I don't Twitter) Hughes was a very private and humble man. After an incredibly successful run, he kind of bowed out of the movie business to be in Chicago and spend time with his family. Married for 39 years to his high school sweetheart, he truly was one of the good guys.

As I said, I wasn't a teen coming of age in the 80s, but John Hughes was was nonetheless a part of my growing up, as a young adult. I was a stay-at home-mom when Michael Keaton was feeding a baby chili in "Mr.Mom," and I took my young children to see "Home Alone." Hughes' work touched all age groups.

I thank him for countless hours of entertainment, and even though I'm far from 16, for still keeping the hope alive that you never know when your own Jake Ryan might just drive up.

"The Ugly Truth" About Romantic Comedies

2009-07-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

I have always loved romantic comedies. Modern movies like "Sleepless in Seattle," "When Harry Met Sally," "You've Got Mail, "Love Actually" and classics like "The Philadelphia Story" are amongst my favorites.

The thing about those movies, and the reason I like them is because the women are smart, accomplished and not desperate to catch a man.

Something has happened in the romcom world though in the last few years, something has made me question my affinity for the genre.

Too many of these movies portray women as whiny, desperate and as jittery as a bunch of poodles. The single women I know (myself included) are none of these things.

I was about sent over the edge by "He's Just Not That Into You." The women were cloying and panicked at trying to get a man. Ginnifer Goodwin made me want to hit my head repeatedly until she stopped being such a weeny. She was attractive, adorable even, but somehow she was under the misapprehension that something was wrong with her because she didn't have a boyfriend.

I've written a novel that's a romantic comedy and my hope that while a little klutzy, my protagonist is neither desperate nor incapable of living a great life on her own.

It's amazing to me after reading about 15 reviews today of "The Ugly Truth" (which I had actually been thinking of seeing, but probably won't now) that reviewer after reviewer talked about how misogynistic it was. And it was written by three women! Why is it so hard for even women to write good roles for women? I've come up with a few rules that I'd like Hollywood to take note of, and hey, if any of them want to take a look at my book, I'd be happy to oblige.

1. No more showing women sitting by a phone, pacing by a phone, doing yoga while staring at a phone waiting for a man to call. We have lives of our own.

2. No more having women desperately dissecting conversations, body language and lack of said calls ad naseum with their equally delusional friends. See above for why.

3. Just because a woman is successful in her job doesn't mean she's. a. frigid b. socially inept c. pathetically lonely. Maybe she LIKES her job and is happy.

4. "You complete me" is a stupid notion and women need to get over it already. Compliment me? Sure, but stop making movies where women are sadly roaming the aisles of supermarkets looking for someone to make a pot roast for because unless they do they're lives are incomplete.

5. Start making movies again about people who are interesting in their own way, all on their own. Sally Albright in "Harry and Sally" was a journalist with lots of friends, as was Annie in "You've Got Mail." And well, no one would ever accuse Katharine Hepburn of being a wimpy woman who'd do anything to snag a guy in... well, any movie.

I want to love romantic comedies again. But I also don't want to feel like my gender is being denigrated and reduced to a ridiculous stereotype. I love love. I just want it to come in a package that doesn't insult my gender or my intelligence.

Icky Things And The Single Girl

2009-07-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I am pretty happy being single. As a writer I can work until the wee hours and no one complains. I can read in bed with copious amounts of moisturizer on my feet and no one blanches in disdain, obviously not appreciating the beauty of a smooth instep. Well, the exception might be that creepy foot fetishist, Tanner from "The Bachelorette" who would be way too into it. In general it's a pretty happy life, but there are times a guy could come in handy.

Yesterday I came home from doing errands and as I pulled into my driveway I saw a squirrel lying across my driveway. I pulled into the garage and cautiously walked out, wanting to make sure he wasn't just laying there in wait, having planned the perfectly orchestrated take down of a human wanting to throw a big squirrel rave in my house. When I observed it wasn't an obvious threat I got closer and bent over to get a closer look. There were no obvious wounds, no blood, but it appeared to be dead. This was tough for me because oddly enough, I love squirrels, I think they're awfully cute.

"I so wish I had a husband to take care of this," I muttered to myself as I went to get a shovel. When I tried to scoop up the the poor thing (with a snow shovel no less) I thought I saw her head move and jumped back, startled. As I crouched down close to her, I saw she was still breathing. (I assumed it was a female having run herself ragged for her children)

I ran in and called Wildcare, a group that rescues animals. The volunteer gave me instructions on how to get her to them, but I was scared. I pictured getting this critter in a box, then into my car, and as I drove along it leaping on to my head a la Clark Griswald. As I stood there talking to to Lila at Wildcare, I noticed that the squirrel's eyes had closed. Closer examination showed she'd stopped breathing. I told Lila, and we hung up.

I put an umbrella next to her sheltering from the sun, hoping she'd somehow revive. Within just minutes though I could tell her body had stiffened.

Trading the scoopy snow shovel for a garden one, I buried her in my yard.

As I put away the shovel I thought back to the years when I had a husband to do those things, and then, when I was no longer married, having sons who took care of the creepy crawly stuff. Now that I have to handle all things icky and non by myself, I see that whether it's a dead squirrel, a hinky toaster or a really scary thunderstorm in the middle of the night I really am okay.

It's nice to know I can bury a squirrel, check the oil in my car and put the screens in the windows come summer, but as old fashioned as it may sound, sometimes it might be kind of nice to not have to.

There Will Never Be Anyone Like Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T03:59:00.000-07:00

I will never forget sitting in my living room watching Michael Jackson perform at the Apollo Theater for the 25th anniversary of Motown Records. I had never seen anything like it. Those moves were like nothing we'd ever seen. As he moonwalked across that stage I knew I had just seen history being made.

Even though I was a young mom at the time, I was still very into music and bought "Thriller" which I played constantly. I was awed by his talent.

It saddens me that for many young people that the impression they have is of "Wacko Jacko," trials for child molestation and his children shrouded in scarves. I hope that in time the bizarre behavior will fade in memory and that his talent as a song writer, singer, dancer and producer will be what we remember him for.

I don't think Michael Jackson ever had a chance to have a normal life. Thrust into the spotlight by an abusive father, he achieved a level of fame as a child that no one can ever fathom.

He truly did seem like the lonely man at the top. I heard someone say in the midst of this media blitz that the reason he befriended children was because they were the only people he knew didn't want anything from him. They didn't want to hang out with him because he was a star or would be looking for a check. But I wonder, what about their parents?

Yes, he was an odd man, but he was an amazingly talented one. No one will ever know if the horrific charges levied against him were valid, or perhaps just more of the leeching off of a vulnerable man.

It's particularly sad that he died now, just as he was poised to rebound from the trauma of the last few years. We will never know what he would have shown us next, and how he might have, once again changed the landscape of music.

Breaking Up Is Sometimes Pretty Easy To Do

2009-06-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

After years of having George Clooney as my make-believe boyfriend, I decided to break up with him. He of course knows nothing about this, hell, he doesn't even know me, so he's taking it very well.

I've been reading about George's newest alleged girlfriend (I say this because we all know you can't believe everything you read) - a 23-year-old cocktail waitress from Miami.

Two things struck me about this news. One, my daughter is 23-years-old and do I really want to be crushing on a man who is close to MY age but dates women (well, girls kind of) who are my daughter's age? Um, no.

The second thing that struck me is that while I admire George's work - both on the professional and humanitarian fronts, it appears from the outside (I do not pretend to know the man so I'm only going by what I've read)that there's a chasm between the personal and professional that I find unappealing.

We all know George could date anyone he wants. And he should date whomever he wants. I just find it interesting that he's rarely if ever linked with women close to his age, or even close to as accomplished professionally.

I'm reminded of a line from the Diane Keaton/Jack Nicholson movie, "Something's Gotta Give." Nicholson plays a man in his 60s who's never dated a woman over 30. When Keaton asks him why he says, "I like to travel light."

Women of a "Certain age," (over 40 perhaps?) have more baggage. We have homes, careers, children maybe and our own strong wills. We can't necessarily drop everything for a summer in Italy or a stint in NYC while a certain movie star makes a movie. Younger women are more malleable and flexible - in oh so many ways.

I like to think though, that those of us who have been around for more than two decades have a lot to offer. We're smart, sassy, funny and confident. I'm not looking to hook up with someone to make my career, to get me connections so I can get my picture in a magazine or walk a red carpet. I just want a partner who's hard-working, passionate, ambitious, funny, caring and smart. Is that really too much to ask for? Don't answer that.

I'm heartbroken that Craig Ferguson recently got married, because he would have been my next choice. Even in my make-believe relationships I have ethics and will not pick a married man as my make-believe boyfriend because within the make-believe there HAS to be a hint of possibility, and in real life I would never date a married man. So I'm taking my time, looking around and thinking about it.

I'm thinking George is really missing out, not with me, (oh all right, I do think I'm sort of a catch:) but by not looking to women who can stand toe to toe and give him a hard time, question him and challenge him. But, that doesn't appear to be what he wants in a woman. So it's time for me to move on and find another make-believe boyfriend, well at least until the real thing comes along.

Why Does Dating Make Us Stupid?

2009-06-05T11:28:00.001-07:00

All right, maybe I should qualify that headline and say dating makes ME stupid.

In the Huffington Post today there was a great column by Dr. Alex Benzer about how important it is to toss toxic mates. Sounds like common sense, right? Then why do women and men (including me) often keep trying to make it work even when we know it's NOT working?

We can get all Freudian if you want, but I'm starting to think the why isn't as important as just saying no to relationships that don't feel good.

I have never been in an abusive relationship - I've never been hit, verbally abused or humiliated. That's a whole different thing than I'm talking about. Anyone who is in that type of relationship needs professional support in help getting out of it. I'm talking relationships where you don't feel adored, appreciated and are constantly questioning what's going on. I've been there and it's no fun. I'm not proud to say that I've turned myself inside out trying to make relationships work - much to my daughter's eye rolling chagrin - and I've made a vow to NEVER do that again. As Dr. Benzer says in his column, everyone has issues but it's not your job to try to fix them (that's me - Miss Fix-it!) what is your job is to look out for yourself.

My friend Laura's mom always used to say, "Better to be alone than wish you were alone." Thank you, Adie! We all deserve to be loved for who we are, just as we are, and should not be second guessing what someone else is thinking or feeling.

In the now-classic, "he's just not that into you" episode of "Sex and the City," Miranda is sitting on some steps eating her lunch listening to two women who are strangers talk about why a guy hasn't called, "He's working hard," "He's stressed out," etc etc etc. No. We're not doing that anymore. If it's not working for you, if you're spending time analyzing what he's thinking, what he's doing and excusing his behavior, and if you're talking to your girlfriends ALL THE FREAKING TIME about him/her, it's not good!

I think it's time to stop being stupid, to stop trying so damn hard to make it work when it's not working and just move on (of course I'm talking dating here, not marriage - so don't inundate me with comments saying I'm condoning divorce!).

Stop compromising yourself and start realizing what you're worth and expect the best. If you settle for anything less, well, you're just settling.

Why Are Women Always Cast As The Mean Mommy?

2009-06-02T17:06:00.000-07:00

Just a little while ago I was cleaning up my kitchen while watching the news, and this damn Yoplait yogurt commercial came on.

In the commercial a husband is on the phone talking to a friend about how he's been eating Boston cream pie, Key lime pie and all sorts of treats and losing weight. While he's talking the wife is looking in the fridge and sees her yogurt is missing. She gives him THE LOOK and he sheepishly gets off the phone.

There are others as well, and the woman is of course - a mean mom.

Why oh why do we always have this stereotype of the mean mommy and the doofus man/child? Women are so often portrayed as punishing bitches and men are cast as stupid in need of a grownup to make them tow the line. Left to their own devices they will blow up the house, feed the children a steady diet of cheese curls and Yoo-hoo and never bathe.

I don't know about other women, but I don't see myself as the person who keeps a partner in line and acting like a responsible adult. That's his job. Any guy who needs me to be a mommie, mean or otherwise should be looking elsewhere for companionship.

In the "Sex and the City" movie, Miranda, while looking for a Halloween costume says to Carrie, "There are only two choices for costumes for women, sexy kitten or witch." To which Carrie replies, "You said a mouthful sister."

Do we really only have two archetypes - sexy vixen or bitch? Hmm, I don't really think so. I know lots of women and most are neither. I just want to know where our yogurt commercial is.

Britain's Got Talent Winners Are Awesome!

2009-05-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight in England supposed front runner, singer Susan Boyle ended up in second place behind these young men from Essex, England. They are a group of street dancers who call themselves "Diversity" and they are incredible.

Diversity's choreography is just outstanding and as much as I have been rooting for Susan Boyle, her continued success is all but guaranteed, she will have a career as a singer now. For these young guys however, this win is enormous exposure and validation.

The leader seems to a young physics student, Ashley Banjo, a guy who said he started at 14 copying dance routines and then started making up his own.

I love stories like this because just when I give into cynicism, something like this comes along and reminds me of the unabashed joy and unexpected in life. I just love it when that happens.

Is Playing Princess As a Little Girl Really Bad?

2009-05-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

It seems about every two months or so a story comes out linking issues with girls (from body image to low self-esteem and more) to the big bad Disney corporation and their princesses.

Perhaps it's because I'm not 25 anymore, and my children are all young adults that my perspective may be a bit different than some. If I were to have children now I think I would obsess a whole lots less - everything from thumb sucking to security blankets and diapers resolve themselves in due course.

So when it comes to girls loving everything princess and mothers fearing their daughters subjugation all I can say is: lighten up!

My daughter liked to watch "Cinderella" every single day from about ages 3-5. Then it was "Little Mermaid," "Beauty and the Beast," "Mulan," "Pocahontas" and any other Disney movie you can think of. She also grew up to be one of the brightest, most independent, sassy (in a good way) young women you'd ever want to meet. She never expects a man to rescue her, and travels the world by herself. Somehow I do not think loving Belle, Ariel and their ilk damaged her in any way shape or form. When she graduated from one of the best colleges in the country she had a Hello Kitty pin on her gown and had bedazzled the hem.

You CAN be a girly girl and be smart and accomplished, to teach girls otherwise is just plain wrong. My advice to all these over-zealous parents is the realization that you have a hell of a lot more influence than Belle or Aurora. Kids watch and listen to you every single day. Parent your kids and they will realize what's real and what's not. In the meantime, let them enjoy the fantasy.

Why Are So Many Women So Mad At Elizabeth Edwards?

2009-05-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

As the recent "Oprah" episode with Elizabeth Edwards who was promoting her new book, "Resilience"was still on the air I noticed Facebook was abuzz with people kibitzing back and forth about her.

Some people were criticizing her for staying with her husband after he admitted cheating on her, some felt she was putting her kids first, and some were downright mean.

I have certain things I'm really kind of obsessed with, and I have a friend, Laurie, who I love to talk about these kinds of things with. She's a writer as well and we get all fired up.

In some ways the things I get fired up about have a connecting thread - how women treat and judge one another. Whether it's how we mother, how we look, if we work or don't work while raising kids, how those kids turn out and what kind of relationships we have with the men in our lives are all open season for opinions.

During her "Oprah" interview Elizabeth Edwards said something I have thought many times about infidelity in marriage and the women married men cheat with. Oprah asked her if she blamed the other woman rather than her husband and she said, to paraphrase: She does blame her husband, but she also hold the other woman accountable as well. She said she believed that women should have enough respect for each other to not go there. If you see a man with a family and think you would like that, you don't knock on the door and say, "you're out, I'm in." You go and create your own life with your own man. I wholeheartedly agree.

I am a woman's woman. I love my women friends. Some women make me cringe for the way they represent our gender, but in general I really like women. As a single woman I would never insinuate myself into anyone else's relationship, I just would not go there. Sadly, not all women have that same belief.

Elizabeth Edwards has made the choice she feels is best for her and her children. It's not our place to tell her what she should or shouldn't do. We cannot know her feelings as a person with a terminal illness, who has lost a child when he was 16, possibly she feels she's been through enough and wants to peacefully live the life she has left.

My wish would be that as women we could learn to be each others' greatest cheerleaders, not detractors. I'm well aware of my own shortcomings and lapses into silent, and okay, sometimes not-so-silent judgement, but I'm trying to do better.

It's hard enough to be a mom, a partner, a career person and all the other roles we play without a chorus of other women just waiting for us to screw up so we can feel better about ourselves. Truly feeling good about yourself does not come at someone else's expense, it comes from knowing we're all just doing the best we can, which is all any of us can ask of ourselves.

Could You Give Up Social Networking For A Week?

2009-05-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

This morning I read about a challenge - a challenge to not use any social networking sites for one week.

Think you can do it? This means no Facebook, no Twitter, no myspace.

If you're up to the challenge go here to sign up.

I'll be honest, almost all my work life is on the Web. But, I do not Twitter - truly my life is not that interesting. I've thought about it and wondered about doing trying it, but seriously, I sit in front of a computer for probably 10-12 hours a day. I go to the gym, I clean the cats' litter box and eat standing up in my kitchen. A thrilling life it is not. It occasionally gets spiced up with some movies, music and friends, but basically there's nothing going on that anyone would ever want to read about.

Also, for all my multi-tasking - I blog, I am a columnist, I write feature stories and am working on my second book, I don't feel the need to share minute by minute breakdowns of my day with anyone. Even my children don't want to know what I'm doing all day long. I can see the Tweets now:

"Still sitting at the computer"

"Made some tea. It tastes really good."

"Oh my God, there's a spider on my desk!"

"Something in my fridge smells bad, but I'm hungry so I'm ignoring it."

Yeah, not exactly front page news.

If you think you may be a bit addicted to social networking you might want to try to take a week off. Chances are after a day or two you might find you have a lot of time to do other things on your hands.

Earth Day 2009: Love Your Planet

2009-04-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

I write a monthly column in the Cape Cod Times called, "Be Green" offering readers ways they can do more to live a green life. Last night I spoke at an Earth Day event here on the Cape and complied the list below as a handout. Thought I'd share!

Remember EVERY day should be Earth Day, not just once a year.

Ten Things You Can Do Today To Be More Green:

1. Unplug your cell phone chargers and other small appliances when not in use. Ten percent of our energy is wasted on items that are plugged in and not in use.
2. It may not be realistic to give up all paper napkins or paper towels, but think before you grab an armful for one spill, or a half dozen napkins for a bowl of soup.
3. Switch from petroleum based paraffin candles to soy and beeswax ones. Cheaper candles also often have lead in the wicks, so you're breathing in that along the oil-based wax fumes. As a bonus, beeswax candles last longer too!
4. Summer is coming, and instead of slathering yourself with chemical-laden sunscreens, (some of which contain oxybenzone - a chemical that has been shown to cause hormone disruption, low birth weight in children and allergies). Health food stores are chock full of natural choices. Use those. Brands like Kiss My Face and Badger Balm are considered safe for the whole family.
5. This is simple and you are hopefully doing it already - recycle. Don't throw away anything that you can recycle. Paper, magazines, old phone books. cans, plastics, cardboard and glass. Get some bins and just do it.

6. If you take your lunch to work or school pack it in reusable containers.

7. By now you should know to not be buying bottled water. Buy a bottle and fill it. If the water in your area isn't great buy a Brita pitcher or a filter for your tap.

8. No matter what kind of shopping you're doing bring a reusable bag with you. Not just to the grocery store but every kind of store.

9. Buy locally grown food as much as possible. The less your food travels, the less the impact on the environment. The good news is local is often healthier as well.

10. Switch to online bill paying. If everyone did this it would save lots and lots of paper, and fuel driving those bills around. To see the impact the switch would make check out this Web site.

Susan Boyle: Perfect Just As She Is

2009-04-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Like many people, over the last couple of days I've been hearing a lot about a lovely Scottish woman, Susan Boyle with an amazing voice. This sweet, unassuming woman sang a song from "Le Miserables," so beautifully it even softened the often-grouchy Simon Cowell and caused the audience to rise from their seats yelling and clapping.

But, it's started already - the desire to make her over. A writer whom I love, Ann Leary, wrote about how women are often critiqued for their looks on her blog yesterday, and it caused me to follow through on something I'd been wanting to write about.

I saw Simon Cowell and the rest of that British audience rolling their eyes at Susan Boyle. See, she's not pretty in the conventional sense. I confess I had those thoughts as I watched her, wanting to "pretty her up." You know, wax the brows, fix the hair, convince her dark hose with white shoes isn't a great look. But then I thought about it and asked the question: Says who???

We are all awfully opinionated about how we should all look. Hey, I buy into it. MY hair is highlighted. I pluck, pumice and preen with the best of them, and I like it. One of my best friends, who is one of the most incredible people I know, isn't at all into that stuff. She'd rather chainsaw down a tree, play her fiddle or teach a child how to do math than fuss with her hair. She does however, paint her toenails. When I've pointed out the incongruity of this girly pursuit, she just shrugs her shoulders and says she like having her toes painted. God how I love her.

I was watching "Access Hollywood" or "Extra" last night - they're pretty interchangeable - and they had a makeup and hair person do a virtual makeover on Miss Doyle and showed her all prettied up. And it made me sad. What is wrong with the way she looks now?

If Susan Doyle wants to change her look she should, but my hope would be that if she doesn't that it wouldn't change her trajectory for success. But I know that won't be true. I can see it now - some stylist will get their bony hands on her and style her to be something different, something they feel is better - something the masses will think is an acceptable amount of pretty.

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder. I know the lens through which I look at others refocuses when I see beyond what I might initially see. I remember when my son Ben was in high school and had dreadlocks. I would see the looks he got, especially from older people who judged him without having a clue as to who he was. What they didn't see, beyond the hair, was the captain of the football team, the honor roll student, the REALLY nice kid who would hold a door or carry groceries for them.

Not everyone wants to be waxed, Botoxed and trussed like a turkey. Susan Boyle is sassy, brave, funny and incredibly gifted. So back off you crones with the scissors and makeup brushes, let the woman be who she is, I think she has a lot to teach us about what beautiful truly is.

Being Single: Blessing, Curse? Or Maybe A Bit Of Both?

2009-03-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

Last night, before I shut down my computer, I came across this blog post about being single written by Lea Lane on the Huffington Post.

Ms. Lane gave some compelling reasons for being single that seemed pretty wonderful.

While I was lying awake at about 4 o'clock this morning, I started writing my own pro/con list on singledom in my head. We'll see how many of the things that seemed so brilliant in the middle of the night I remember.

Pros:
1.When I wake up in the middle of the night I can read, watch a movie or write with no worries about disturbing someone else.
2. There's a freedom to not having to check in with someone else when making plans.
3. Instead of looking for someone else to fix something - whether it's a toaster or a bigger problem, I don't look to someone else to fix it for me. When it's up to you a resourcefulness kicks in forcing you to dig deep. With that I've learned I can do a lot of things I never thought possible.
4. Being on my own has allowed me to spend the time I've needed on my writing. I've written a novel, created this blog, and created a career as a journalist. It's probably not always a good thing, but no one, especially now that my kids are on their own, is pulling me to stop working.
5. At some point most everyone will be alone. Having the skills to do it and be okay is reassuring and confidence building. I will only be with someone if it feels right, I won't do it out of fear of being alone. A friend's mom once told me, "Better to be alone than wish you were alone." There's nothing more lonely that being in a relationship that isn't working. At least when you're single there's always hope something new will come along.

Okay, here on the cons:
1. It can be lonely sometimes to not have one special person to whom you really matter and vice versa.
2. Sometimes two more hands would come in really handy when you're trying to get a lot done. A partner to share to day to day have-tos with, someone to spur you on when you really don't want to clean the garage.
3. There's an intimacy that is missing when you're single. Not sexually necessarily, though that can be an issue for sure, but emotional intimacy that only comes from truly being in it for the long haul with another person.
4. A partner can give you another perspective, another point of view that opens you up to new thoughts and experiences.
5. I believe most of us want someone to be a witness to our lives. Someone who will notice the way we live our life, who we are, and support our dreams. I've got a lot of great friends who are there for me, but you know, it's really just not the same.

As I tossed and turned from 4 until 5, I didn't come up with any definitive answers. Bottom line, I think we're a coupling species and will always be searching for a mate. I just want to make sure I choose the right one so that what I'm giving up is more than made up for by what I'm gaining.

Why Is Everyone So Mad At "The Bachelor"?

2009-03-04T12:28:00.000-08:00

By now we've all seen or heard about "the most dramatic (after rose) ceremony EVER on this season's, "The Bachelor."

The reason everyone seems to hate bachelor contestant Jason Mesnick is because he asked one finalist, Melissa, to marry him, weeks later changed his mind, and asked the girl he let go, Molly for another chance.

It wasn't easy to watch him break young Melissa's heart, but as I watched it I actually had to give him credit for not stringing along someone he didn't feel was a fit. Remember all those dates, the home town visits all happen in about six weeks. Not enough time really to know how the hell you feel about someone.

The other important factor to remember is that these are people who signed up to find love on what is basically a game show. Yes these are real people with real feelings, but they signed up WILLINGLY for this. No arm twisting involved.

I'm going to anger some people (especially women) here, but I truly believe that Jason had to be true to himself, and that all involved are grown-ups. To me it's sad that there's still this expectation that it's a man's job to make this fairy tale come true, and a guy should "man up" already and just marry the girl. The disparaging remarks about Jason being a guy who cries shows how far we haven't come in allowing men to be real people - not knights, not walking wallets just real people. People who should be allowed to show emotions and change their minds. I don't recall "Bachelorette" Deanna catching so much heat when she broke up with her choosen one, Jesse.

Maybe it's being the sister of a brother and mother of two sons that gives me a different perspective about guys. Don't get me wrong - I'm a girl's girl, but I get tired of the double standard: We want respect, independence, financial equality BUT we expect men to appear to not have their own needs, feelings and expectations. AND make a boat load of money to buy us stuff.

In all honesty I had more questions - as a woman - as to why Molly didn't think enough of herself to take a breath and tell Jason they could talk and see where things went. Instead she was like a giddy teen nuzzling and kissing him, so grateful he came back to her. He picked me! I actually expected her to yelp.

I think we need to stop thinking of Melissa as a helpless victim. If women want to be treated as equals we need to not expect that men are supposed to put a ring on it and rescue us. And we have to learn to not feel the need to compete on national TV against 25 other women in hopes that a man will deign to choose us. If you want control in your life you don't choose to go on a show like "The Bachelor" to find a guy. You live your own life and do your own choosing, and realize no one else can complete you or make you happy. That's your job. Finding a great guy is just icing on the cake you already baked for yourself.

Sadly, Rihanna Is Acting Like Many Abused Women

2009-02-28T15:18:00.000-08:00

When I read yesterday that Rihanna had gotten back together with her boyfriend, Chris Brown, who allegedly hit her I felt sick, and very sad.

Now of course I don't know these two, probably never will, but nonetheless I felt terrible.

What made me sad was all the young women AND men, who look up to these two thinking that beating someone you supposedly love is something you can just move on from, and that this choice was somehow legitimizing abuse.

Hitting a partner is not okay, never is, never will be. End of discussion.

What's equally disturbing is the number of comments on blogs from people saying she "deserved" it. What year is this?!

Just when I think women are finally getting somewhere in our world something like this comes along to remind me, um, yeah, not so much. Sadly, women who are abused all too often forgive the perpetrator, somehow locked in this messed up cycle of abuse, repentance, declarations of it never happening again, and then rinse and repeat.

At only 21, beautiful and successful, you would think that Rihanna does not fit the profile of a woman who would allow herself to be treated this way. But the thing is, self-esteem is complex - and what we see from the outside may not be at all what she feels. But just imagine how trapped a woman without the means she has may feel.

I just hope that every parent of every young girl who has danced around her bedroom to "Umbrella" or seen her adorable Cover Girl ads, will tell their daughter that it's not okay for a boy/man to hit them, and if it happens once, chances are it will happen again. Actions do indeed speak louder than words. People tell you things you want to hear, but they show you who they are every single day.

As I said, I don't know these two, and I wish them well. I just hate to see any girl anywhere think that just because Rihanna's boyfriend may have hit her and she forgave him that it's okay. It's not.

You Gotta Listen To Leon Jean Marie -And Not Just In That Tostitos Commercial

2009-02-22T15:39:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I became obsessed with a song that I kept hearing in this animated Tostitos chips commercial. I did some digging and found out the song was "East End Blues" by a British musician named Leon Jean Marie.

I love, love, love music - though I have to say I have people in my life (two in particular) who have no problem pointing out what I don't know, but I still keep plugging along. I love it, as is the case with Leon Jean Marie, when I find an artist even they haven't heard of.

While I loved "East End Blues" enough to search it out, once I found that song though I fell in love with this song, "Trusted You." On all these videos the embedding has been disabled, so take the time to follow the links, you won't be disappointed, I promise!

All You "Single Ladies" Stop Worrying About Putting a Ring On It Already!

2009-02-14T14:13:00.000-08:00

All right, so it's Valentine's Day. Again. The day that reduces otherwise competent, self-assured people into thinking there's somehow something wrong with them if there's no one giving them a heart shaped box of mediocre, not very tasty chocolates. Life is about a lot more than being one half of a couple, and all the Valentine swag can cloud that thinking. Seriously, I'm telling you - if you're single it's not an anomaly that's needs fixing, it's all right. You're all right.

I was talking to a young couple today about horrible reality TV - like "Rock of Love Bus," "Tool Academy" and "For The Love of Ray J." Long after the conversation ended I kept thinking about the women on those shows and what a huge step backwards women seem to have taken. Is it because they don't believe they're okay on their own? I don't know. I watch these women parading around in skimpy clothes thinking "Choose me! Choose me!" and it turns my stomach. What the hell happened to us?!

I came of age when "Roe V Wade" was fresh and new. I read "Ms" magazine as a young teen and believed women could do and be anything they wanted to be. Of course my choices weren't all that revolutionary - wife, mother, only to become a divorcee and single. I watch my daughter making much more adventurous choices than I did and I am thrilled. She's in no hurry to get anyone to put a ring on it, and that makes me very happy. Be complete yourself I believe, because it takes two whole people to make a complete couple.

So if you're not getting taken out for dinner by a guy, or some woman isn't bringing you homemade brownies in a trench coat with nothing underneath, (I think I've been watching too many movies) don't despair. It really is better to be alone than wish you were alone. It doesn't mean any of us who are single always will be, but I think it's much better to feel good about where you are rather than settle for something that just isn't quite right.

Why Do Women Have Such A Hard Time Realizing "He's Just Not That Into You"?

2009-02-09T13:24:00.000-08:00

I might as well confess. I am a romcom whore. I love "Bridget Jones's Diary," "When Harry Met Sally," "Sleepless in Seattle," "27 Dresses"... yes, I admit it. I love romantic comedy. But I can also throw down with the best of them and gobble up Tarantino movies and love indie movies as well. But I have no shame in admitting my love for movies that are like a frothy pink cupcake with sprinkles on top. This probably explains iPod choices that range from Britney Spears to Q-Tip.

So I went to see "HJNTITY" this weekend and enjoyed it more than film aficionados would want me to, but I don't care. It got me thinking though, that no matter how well we know the truth about relationships - we don't seem able to believe it.

When the book came out the publisher sent me a copy, and so did my father. Yes, Freud would have a heyday with the father who left me as a little girl giving me a book titled, "He's Just Not That Into You." Truly, you can't make up this stuff.

So I read the book. I wrote about the book. I made fun of the obviousness of the advice: "If he's not calling, he's just..." How silly! How could any woman not know that?! Well it turns out, when we like someone we start to rationalize. And we're really good at it, and so are our friends. You will hear all sorts of excuses:
"He's probably intimidated by you because you're so awesome!"
"Maybe he's just really busy at work, you know how stressful his job is."
"He could be sick - maybe I should call and see if he's okay?"
And the classic: "I know he's into me, he's just scared."
Yes, and maybe a huge bookcase fell on him crushing him AND his phone.

I'll admit it, I've done it. And if you're being honest you have too. Somehow the thought that "He's just not into you," is totally liberating yet somehow just a little bit heartbreaking. We all want people to adore us, and can't understand it when they don't. Somehow I think all those rationalizations make the pain of rejection just a little bit easier to take. After all, everyone wants someone who's totally into them. But wait, what if he's really into you and you're not into him? Because for whatever reason that seems to happen a LOT.

I think it's amazing anyone ever gets together.

Is Nadya Suleman Trying To Be Angelina Jolie?

2009-02-07T06:51:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who thinks the fact that octuplet mother Nadya Suleman wears her hair just like Angelina, has full lips that resemble Jolie's ( which btw look inflated with some type of filler) is more than just a little creepy? This woman clearly seems to be unbalanced, and the doctor who supported this medical travesty should be held accountable for enabling this behavior. It really seems that she is trying to mirror Jolie's large family and has fashioned herself after her in appearance and demeanor. Even her comments about leading an "unconventional" life are practically verbatim what Jolie has said. The difference is Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are multi-millionaires who can hire help and provide well for their children, Suleman clearly cannot.

This is a woman who lives in a two bedroom house with her mother, is unemployed and single. For her to say the only reason people are shocked is because she's single in insane. People are shocked because she seems pretty wacky. Her own mother has doubted her sanity.

In the interview above she talks about how when she's done with school she will be able to support them. She's training to become a therapist, (watch out folks, you may want to seek help from someone who seems a bit more together) but even with a Master's degree she can't hope to make enough money to support 15 people.

No one should be having children to fill an empty life. She has talked about how she had a dysfunctional childhood and wanted to create this family to make up for that. She has suffered from a debilitating injury for which she received money (money she used for the IVF) and suffered from depression for years she has said. I'm not saying someone who has been depressed shouldn't be a parent - I'm just saying they might not be the safest bet for trying to raise 14 children on their own.

You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube on this one. These children are here and they are going to need a village to help raise them. It just seems a shame that no one seemed to notice that this appears to be one troubled woman and got her some help before 14 innocent children had to be dealt this hand.

If You Like "The City" You'll Love "The District"

2009-02-05T11:21:00.000-08:00

The fact that I watch "The City" is not something I'm particularly proud of. But, yes I do. I follow the exploits of Whitney, Jay and her frenenmy, Olivia, and even think about trying to get Allie to eat something so she doesn't fall over in a stiff wind. For the uninitiated, "The City" is a scripted faux reality show that follows the travails of a bunch of 20somethings who seem to sort of work, but not really, but have lovely apartments and gorgeous clothes. I would love to pretend to work at Diane Von Fursternberg, buy Manolo Blahniks and have brand new furniture delivered to my brand new apartment. But alas I live in the real world, oh wait, that's another fake reality show. Where does reality begin and end? I think here which is a very scary thought.

The folks at Newsweek have done a stellar job in copying the format in this first installment of "The District." I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Christian Bale Makes a F@#$%^* Ass of Himself

2009-02-04T16:56:00.000-08:00

WARNING: The above video is not safe for work or appropriate for children. Nor is the link about David O'Russell. I don't want you getting fired!

I'll be honest. I have a really low threshold for people behaving badly. I think people should always treat others with respect, and acting out - unless life and limb of yourself, a loved one or especially a child is involved, you don't go off on people.

When I heard this audio tape of Christian Bale abusing the director of photography on the set of a movie I felt really uncomfortable and disappointed. I don't have any particular feelings about Mr. Bale one way or another, but it's just disquieting to hear one human being talking this way to another one.

I had two immediate thoughts: First, how does one person think they have the right to speak to anyone like that? And second I thought, wow, if he speaks to people like this in anger in an open area, what is he like to his girlfriend or wife in private? Does he get angry at her like this? It's hard to imagine in all other walks of like he's an angel after hearing how this expletive-laced tirade flowed from his tongue.

There was a great story a couple of years ago about George Clooney clocking director David O'Russell on the set of "Three Kings" for the way he repeatedly treated staff on the set of the film. Clooney told him he didn't have the right to talk to anyone like that. Ever. And then he punched him. Now I'm not one to promote violence, but I think O'Russell had it coming. O'Russell later went on to show this temper once again, this time in the set of "I Heart Huckabees" where we went off of Lily Tomlin. Seems to be a pattern perhaps?

I've often wondered if for me this goes back to never getting yelled at as a child. My mom was not a yeller. She got quiet, which honestly, was just as scary. It's been rare that I've yelled as a parent (and the child I yelled at knows I'm sorry about those times :) I just don't think it's an effective way to communicate and I don't believe anyone has the right to belittle another person.

This is one of those topics that is so close to my heart it's hard to find the right words to express how I feel. Not particularly helpful for a writer. People belittling and screaming at others just strikes at something visceral in me. It actually makes me feel sick. I've only been on the receiving end of such things a couple of times and it was really hard to take. Being half of "The Bickerson's" would give me an ulcer.

When I went to see "Revolutionary Road" a few days ago I was struck at how cruel these two people could be to one another. I often think about how mean people can be to the one person they are supposed to love above all else. We know the soft spots, we know right where to hit where it will hurt the most and it's awful. I feel very blessed that when I was married it was not like that, divorce does not bring out the best in people, but at least I know we did not torment each other with digs and jabs for years. That would slowly kill me, I know that.

I often feel like a Pollyanna when I am so dumbstruck by these things. I have this inner belief that people should always try to be respectful to each other. You don't have to agree, and anger is normal, but abuse is not. There's a line that should never be crossed, and if I hear one more actor say, "Well, things can get heated on the set..." in defense of Bale I will scream. Seriously, Christian? You're an ACTOR. You're not creating world peace, curing global warming or disease. I'm not saying what you do doesn't take talent and hard work, I'm just saying a little perspective could go a long way. Get over yourself, buddy, issue some apologies, and maybe get yourself some help in dealing with that temper.

Can Men and Women Just Be Friends? I Really Want To Think So

2009-01-25T18:02:00.000-08:00

One of the things I love most in my life is the bright, passionate and very verbal friends I have. We get into debates about topics, sometimes pretty passionately, but it's always all good, and we all learn a lot.

Recently a friend and I got into it over whether or not women and men can just be friends, and if one or both of them are in a relationship with someone else, is it okay?

Coincidentally, I came across an article on cnn.com today about this very topic.

Now at full disclosure I have to say that my friend is married and I am not. I have male friends and female friends, and when she said she didn't think it worked to be in a relationship and have friends of the opposite sex I was stunned. I've been on my own for several years now, and if I thought getting married again meant giving up my guy friends, or the freedom to hang out with a guy, I'm not sure I'd do it.

When I got married, at 20, things were different. I was different. Now, a long marriage, three kids and a divorce later I'm not the same woman. I have on my own, built a life and a career, both including all sorts of different people - male and female.

Despite having some unhappy endings to relationships, I remain trusting and hopeful about who people are. I like to think if someone loves me, but has a terrific female friend who is just that, nothing more, that I would be not only accepting of that, but welcoming of having a partner who is open enough to really like women as people, not just romantic partners.

I think of my professional friends, some who happen to be male, whom I'm very fond of, and I would never want a partner of mine telling me I couldn't meet them for coffee or lunch. I like to believe that we are more than just a cascade of hormones waiting to be set loose, and that we can be our higher selves and keep it in our pants.

When the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" came out the message was no, women and men can't just be friends - that sex always gets in the way. Of course we all know that Sally and Harry did end up together, but we all knew they loved each other all along.

If being in a relationship means a man gets to tell me who to hang out with and who not to, I think it means staying single for me. But I don't think that will happen because times have changed. I look at my kids and they all have friends of both sexes and everyone is cool with it. I believe gone are the days where everyone has to feel threatened and jealous. I want to believe it, and I think it's worth working towards, even if the waters get a little choppy now and then.

"Slumdog Millionaire" Has Me Dancing

2009-01-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

This video cuts off a little abruptly, but I dare you to not watch this and smile.

With only a couple of days to go until Barack Obama becomes the 44th President of the United States, I feel like Bollywood dancing all over the place. So, I want you to put this song on, when you're all alone, and just let go and dance! I won't tell anyone. I promise. You try to copy all the great Bollywood dance moves from the video or just let use and do your own thing. The most important thing to do is DANCE. And smile.

I should have blogged about this incredible movie weeks ago when I saw it, but I didn't, so here I am late to the "Slumdog Millionaire" love fest. I will warn those, who like me did not know that while there is much that is uplifting, a lot of the violence and poverty in the film is tough to watch. So be forewarned. But go see it.

Now stop reading, go back and click on the video again, and dance. Then hop over to iTunes and buy the song, "Jai Ho" from the soundtrack so you'll have it wherever you go. You never know when the need to dance might strike.

Okay, So Sometimes "The View" Actually Delivers, And I REALLY Can't Stand Ann Coulter

2009-01-12T16:46:00.000-08:00

Whenever I see Ann Coulter on my television I have two reactions: nausea and the immediate urge to change the channel. Occasionally I manage to make it through an interview, but not without feeling I want to throw something at my TV.

Coulter is on the PR trail once again with a new book, "Guilty: 'Liberal Victims And Their Assault on America," yet another inflammatory diatribe about evil liberals.

In her last book she railed against the 9/11 widows who fought for more information about how their husbands died, daring to accuse them of enjoying their roles as widows.

In this new book, equally inflammatory, her new target is single mothers. This unmarried, childless woman seems to be saying that all of societal woes are due to the rise of single mothers in our country. She offers no solutions mind you, she just points fingers at liberals and accuses those of us who are single are (though apparently those of us who became single mothers due to divorce or widowhood catch a little bit of a break) raising children who will soon be filling courtrooms and jails.

Being a single mother and having been raised by one, I want to not-so-eloquently say - screw you, Ann Coulter. You have no idea what you're talking about. Their are plenty of incredible people who had single mothers who have done quite well in life, people like well, out next president.

The fact that mainstream media gives her the time of day, and yes, I'm aware I am giving her attention as well, is just plain sad. Outside of Fox News I can't imagine why any news person would opt to have her on. She's rude, (I couldn't believe how impolite she was to Barbara Walters) doesn't listen and is just the worst example of how cruel and insensitive people can be.

So, I promise to never write about her again on this blog. I don't want to contribute to her success in any form or fashion. As a believer in karma I think she will have some lessons come her way, and maybe, just maybe she will wake up and see the error in her ways. Hey, miracles do occasionally happen. Even to conservatives.

Oprah Is Changing My Life! Well, Sort of.

2009-01-06T14:01:00.000-08:00

All right. So it's maybe time to come clean. I am a certifiably straight woman (I could give you a couple of numbers) but I'm sort of a little in love with Oprah. And well, Tina Fey too, but that's it for my female love.

Many years ago when I was going through a painful divorce (is there any other kind?) I would come home every day from my job at a charter school and jump on my treadmill and watch Oprah. My bedroom began to resemble a self-help library as I bought book after book she recommended. I swear Oprah was responsible for all my personal growth. I lost weight, I took responsibility for my life and I at least tried to balance my chi - I never got too far with that one. I'm still a bit unbalanced.

Now, thanks to her own weight gain, Oprah is reassembling a team of experts to help us all lead our Best Lives once again. Doctors, spiritual leaders, fitness specialists have been summoned, and even Suze Ormon is there to help us all get our money straight. For that one I think I might actually have to HAVE some money, and for that to happen I'd need to change careers. So, here I am on day two and doing swimmingly if I do say so myself!

Yesterday I realized that Oprah and I have much more in common than I ever thought possible. We've both burned ourselves out over the last couple of years. Of course my stresses have not involved amassing a huge fortune, opening an academy for girls in South Africa, or acquiring a television network. I've just been trying to keep kids alive, pay a mortgage and publish a book, but still, it's hard!

Something did occur to me though as I decided to pull myself out of this funk I've been in - we really do have a choice. It was actually an e-mail from a friend that started me down this path. He always used to call me "Suzy Sunshine" and when he addressed me as Suzy in the e-mail it struck a chord. I couldn't even remember what it felt like to be that perky, sunny woman. Losing both my parents, my only remaining aunt, and having a child in crisis all within less than a year took a toll on my perky-factor. But now, as we begin a new year it occurs to me, thanks to Oprah and my Suzy-reminding friend, that I have a choice in how I feel.

So for two days in a row I've been salad-ing, working out and all in all trying to re-perk myself. I don't want to be a bitter, despondent woman who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Unless somehow I could squeeze a best seller out of that role. But then again, who'd want to read that? Maybe the best book would be the one with the happiest of endings, the one about how you can go through hell, come out on the other side, and even have a firmer butt in thirty days. I bet lots of folks would want to buy that one.

New Year? New Me? There's Hope Yet.

2008-12-31T15:47:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about the New Year and what I wanted to be my theme song for the year, and as I was scrolling through my music I came across this lovely India.Arie song and thought, this is it - "There's Hope."

I've had a tough year. At the end of last year I lost my father, and though we weren't exactly close, he was my dad and there's a sadness with that loss. My oldest son was coming out of some serious struggles at the beginning of 2008, and just as he was getting better, my mom got sick, and died several months later. All in all not a banner year. But, as I am wont to do, I got thinking about what I've learned and what I'm grateful for. So, before I make my list of goals for next year, I wanted to spend a few minutes reflecting on the last one.

1. I learned that no one can ever love you like your mom. No matter what the ups and downs of that relationship are, it's a bond unlike any other. I was lucky that my relationship with my mom was closer than many, it had it's issues, like any relationship, but I was blessed.

2. I learned that we are all a lot stronger than we think we are, and when pushed to the max, we usually can pull it out. We might collapse afterward, but we're a resilient little species.

3. A sense of humor can get you through the toughest times and save your sanity. I thank God I come from a funny family, without our ability to laugh we'd all be in a padded room somewhere, not that we shouldn't be anyway.

4. It's okay to be alone. There's no shame in being single. As the lovely Adrienne Smith used to say, "Better to be alone than wish you were alone." When I bought my Christmas tree by myself, got it in the stand alone and decorated, I didn't feel sad, I felt empowered.

5. As bad as things can get, they WILL get better. You just have to have that faith that it comes around again. It's the natural order of things.

Some of my goals for the upcoming year are just for me and maybe those closest to me, but there are three things I'll put here:

1. To live life wide wake. No sleepwalking through days: be aware, conscious and grateful for every single day.
2. Say yes more than no.
3. Stop trying to be a round peg trying to fit into square hole relationships. If it feels like work, it's not right.

As India says in that song: "There's hope, it doesn't cost a thing to smile,you don't have to pay to laugh, you better thank God for that."

I kind of lost my optimism this year. It was a pretty dark time, but something tells me that it's coming around again. Ah, there's hope.

Gossip Girls And Guys Take Smack Talk To A New Low

2008-12-29T09:58:00.000-08:00

All right, so gossiping and talking about others is nothing new. People have talked about each other since time eternal. But, at least back then it didn't go further than the general store, the classroom or hometown.

Now however, thanks to the Internet gossip can make its way around a campus in seconds.

Threads that circle campuses are bad enough, but add to the mix the toxic dump known as Juicy Campus, and well it takes gossip to a whole new, very low level.

In the Boston Globe today they did a story about this site, and it was completely dismaying.

In the article they talked to several students who had been talked about on the site and the words they COULD print (there were many they couldn't) were things like whore, fag, ho, disgusting and more. This isn't your mother's gossip for sure.

I've noticed when people are allowed to comment anonymously that all sense of propriety and kindness seem to disappear. At the newspaper I write for I've noticed at times that the comments can be mean spirited and downright cruel because no one knows who you are.

I've also noticed that no matter what the year - 1950 or 2008, that women will still be awful to other women, and that a double standard for sexual activity amongst the sexes still exists. Men are still glorified for all their conquests while women are still labeled whores, skanks and hos. Especially by other women, even when those rumors aren't true.

Juicy Campus was started by a former frat boy and graduate of Duke University a year and a half ago. It's clear that by what he said about how much he and his frat buddies loved gossip when he was in college that he didn't evolve much while he was there. How sad that he's chosen to make his living by encouraging others to disparage and hurt others. As a believer in karma I think he'll get his just desserts, but in the meantime we can do our bit to not fall into that horrible trap of gossiping and speaking ill of others. Let's face it, we all do it sometimes, but maybe it's time to try a lot harder not to.

I have a visceral response to women being mean to each other. I am a true believer in the sisterhood of women. I think we should support not malign, I think we shouldn't cheat with other women's boyfriends and husbands, and should always have each other's backs. Life's hard enough without being called whores and sluts. Especially by each other. And let's make a vow to punch any guy in the wiener who says things like that!

In the meantime, don't support sites like Juicy Campus. The only way to stop it is not be a part of it. The buck and the ugly rumor truly stop with you.

To Hell With FemBots How About A HimBot?

2008-12-16T05:09:00.000-08:00

There was a piece in The Sun about a female robot named Aiko. Aiko doesn't nag, cleans, reads to her owner, and apparently, with a few "tweaks" could be made to be a sexual partner as well. Yikes!

I got thinking about what I would program a male robot to do if I had a degree from MIT and was able to do something like that.

So I've come up with 10 things I'd like a HimBot to do for me:

1. Make money. Not earn it, I mean MAKE it, as in minting it. An endless supply of cash, my own personal ATM would be wonderful.
2.Clean bathrooms. If I never had to clean the bathroom again I would be very happy.
3. Do manicures and pedicures. How awesome would it be to have someone right here to make me look great?
4. Kill the big scary bugs. I'm not proud of the fact that I scream like a girl when I kill big spiders like the one I nailed yesterday. I was on the phone with my son when I did it and I could hear his eyes rolling at me over the phone.
5. Do yard work. Yeah, I could give this up as easily as the bathroom scrubbing.
6. Say "Danger Will Robinson!" when something is threatening. I know I'm not Will Robinson, I just think it would be awesome.
7. Read to me with a voice that sounds like George Clooney. That would be a very nice way to fall asleep every night.
8. Be a personal trainer who will work me out. But not in that "tweaking" the robot way.
9. Solve computer glitches in a flash. No longer will I be stuck on the phone trying to figure out how to fix the problem with an impatient guy who wants me off his back so he can go get some coffee.
10.Transport me to wherever I want to go. Imagine - no flight delays, traffic jams or weather issues. I'm sure my children will be thrilled with my new ability to pop in whenever I want.

Coming Soon! Boneless Women!

2008-12-08T12:07:00.000-08:00

So I was just catching up on my Monday morning news, reading Jezebel, the Huffington Post and others, and came across this piece about Jessica Alba's new ad campaign for Campari.

Apparently the powers that be didn't think the beautiful Ms. Alba looked quite beautiful enough and shaved inches off her waist, hips, thighs and chest.

As I looked at both the pictures I couldn't imagine why anyone would think the original, un-retouched photo wasn't just perfect. Alba still looks very slim (especially for someone who gave birth just a few months ago) yet very curvy. She looks, gasp! Like a woman. A gorgeous woman. Somehow in the after-picture she looks like she's had ribs removed and has been dripped into that little jumpsuit like a boneless chicken cutlet.

I got into a discussion a while ago about where these ridiculous body standards women try to adhere to come from. I get confused because from what I know and understand - men actually prefer women who are curvy and womanly. They don't want to bed women who are built like 12-year-old boys. How good that nature works in such a mentally healthy way. So I wonder, why do women flog themselves into skin-tight size zero jeans, starve themselves and generally live miserable, very hungry lives? I think it's designers and other women pushing them to anorexia and bad body images.

This theory comes from well, nothing really, other than watching shows like "Project Runway" and "The Rachel Zoe Project," and being a woman.

See, this is a dirty not-so-secret thing: women can be the absolute best to each other, be there through thick and thin, and yet, all too often are just miserable, horrible, mean bitches to each other. The meanness of women to each other can take my breath away. I like to think I'm not that kind of woman, but I'm sure there's someone out there who thinks I'm a bitch. But I do try really hard to be kind and respectful of other women because I think we have to stick together.

As far as the designers go, hello! Real women do in fact have curves, and we need food to survive! Who ever said, "You can never be too rich or too thin," was well, probably someone like Helen Gurley Brown, who may be a very nice person - I don't know her, but looks in desperate need of a sandwich.

My hope is that there may be a day, somewhere in the not-too-distant future, where women will be encouraged to be healthy, not emaciated. Clothes will be designed for a woman's curves, not for middle schoolers who have yet to mature. In the meantime I'm going to keep shouting from my albeit very insignificant soapbox: Be healthy, be happy and love yourself, just as you are.

Sugar Daddy or john? Is There A Difference?

2008-12-01T18:37:00.000-08:00

I was reading this post on The Daily Beast today by a young woman who is the "sugar baby" for an older man. She's a senior in college, he's a successful media mini-mogul who she said spends an average of $5000 a month supporting her lifestyle. In exchange she's accompanies him on trips, has sex with him and is his girlfriend for all intents and purposes, but I would think that since he pays for her it would be no biggie for him to fire her.

With things as tough as they are economically I've sometimes had the fantasy of how nice it would be kind of nice to have someone paying the bills while I toiled away on my next book. But this sort of arrangement is a little too skeevy and "Pretty Woman" for me. And yes, I'm well aware that I'm not exactly at the "sugar baby" age anyway thank you very much.

As I read the post by Ms. Beech (a pseudonym) I have to say my first thought went to my own daughter, a similar age and how disappointed I would be in her if she thought that was the only way she could make her way in the world. The author talked about the Manolos in her closet and the trips to Paris, the nice car and the spa weekends, but the cost just seems a little too high for me. There's a lot to be said for buying those things yourself and getting them in right time when you've earned it.

Today the third woman in a row was named Secretary of State. The dichotomy of reading this post after watching Hillary Clinton accept Barrack Obama's appointment was not lost on me. For every step I see women take forward, there's always a couple back.

We still live in a culture that for women is completely confusing. For every Hillary there's a Paris. For every Tina Fey, a Lauren Conrad.

My dream is for a world where women truly see their value beyond what they look like and the sexual services they can provide to a man. I also dream of a world where older men don't exploit insecure, financially strapped young women who might not completely understand what they're getting into. To me there's something intrinsically icky about a man old enough to be a young woman's dad having a relationship with her.

I hope that Ms. Beech makes it to the other side of this intact. I also hope that Mr. Media, her benefactor, grows up enough to realize that what really matters in relationships is the commitment and willingness to be there for someone else. Someone who's not there because you pay them to be, but because they want to be. And maybe he'll get that what's really important in life isn't what you earned, bought or where you live, it's showing up for those you love. And money can't buy that.

"Twilight": Not Just For Teens, Also For Romance Starved Women

2008-11-26T14:08:00.000-08:00

I haven't as of yet, read any of Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" books, but after seeing the movie I know I will now. I was intrigued by the characters, and while the acting was a bit wooden, the story held my interest and reminded me about how exciting NOT having sex can be.

As a parent, and a woman concerned about the values impressionable young girls are being exposed to by contemporary media, I was thrilled to sit through a movie where the young female protagonist didn't have sex thereby didn't get pregnant, get an STD or feel terrible about herself after doing something she perhaps wasn't ready for, but felt she should do because well, everyone else seems to be.

And as an adult, it was also good reminder of just how damn exciting romance can be. In the preceding decade, and this one too - the era of "Sex and the City," "Gossip Girl," and "Unfaithful," I think we're all conditioned to jump from stranger to intimate partner so quickly that we miss something important. Getting to know someone, growing to care for them and THEN becoming intimate. For a long time we've jumped from stranger to bed buddy, and well, I don't think it is necessarily a good thing.

In a classic episode of "Sex and the City," when Carrie first met Aidan, she was worried that he wasn't attracted to her or that maybe he was gay because every time they went out he kissed her at her door, and went home - without trying to bed her. When she finally confronted him he told her, it was called dating and that they'd only known each other for two weeks. Embarrassed, Carrie realized how nuts she had been and how she'd forgotten about something very important: romance.

In a world where our children have a barrage of sexually provocative movies, advertising, music videos and television thrown at them every day, it's not surprising that pregnancy rates have increased, and kids are having sex at younger and younger ages. I am thrilled that perhaps the tide might be turning a bit, and that the idea of waiting for a while might just catch on.

As for we adults, well, being a little discriminating isn't such a bad idea either. Think of it as mental foreplay.

"11 Things He Wants"? How About 1112 Things SHE Wants?

2008-11-24T05:04:00.000-08:00

As a single woman I am always drawn to lists which claim to FINALLY shed a light for we ladies who seem to just be stumbling in the dark completely unable to figure out what a guy wants. There's always a common denominator, a thread that connects all the lists. Namely - give them space and blow jobs. Yeah, it's not exactly rocket science.

In this latest contribution to the theater of the obvious, writer Erik Parker gives us his "11 Things He Wants," and honestly, there's not one surprise. That's not true, what's a surprise that is in 2008 men are writing crap like number 6: "A heads-up when you just need us to listen. Sometimes all you really want to do is vent to us about something. A simple warning in advance and we promise we’ll stay quiet and let you talk it out." Wow. Words almost escape me. Seriously? You're in a relationship and he needs a freaking cue that he needs to listen to you and be aware enough of who you are to know to listen to you? Make sure you have a signal for when you're about to leave him because otherwise he might not notice.

So I got thinking about my own list, and have 11 (all right, 12) Things We Want.

1. Awareness. This is pretty broad, and might take some practice, but it's quite simple: pay attention. Whether it's is a dishwasher that needs to be emptied, trash that needs to go out, some support when we're having a tough time, we're not the only adult in the relationship. We want to feel more important than a football game or your Blackberry.

2. Patience. Moodiness and crankiness are deal breakers for me. Be a grown up and keep it together. Don't be a big baby. You snap at me or are passive aggressive, and I'm outta there.

3. Don't ogle other women when you're with us. It's disrespectful, and seriously, by the time you're an adult you've seen a lot of breasts, legs and shapely bottoms, there's nothing out there you haven't seen before. You're not 13 anymore, keep it together.

4. Sense of humor. In my life I've had to deal with a lot of not-so-fun things. Without a sense of humor I would be in a padded room right about now. A litmus test for me is deciding if a man would be a great person to get a flat tire with. Since I tend to get stressed and worried I need someone who is just the opposite. A "no worries" kind of guy. Though if they actually say "no worries!" that's not good.

5. Compassion. Sensitivity and compassion are not wimpy emotions, they are human.

6. Ability to communicate. I've dated a fair amount of people. Most of the time I end up feeling like I'm a relationship circa about 7th grade. Maybe sophomore year high school. Most people don't bother to do the work and grow, it's all the same knee-jerk reactions you've had since you first began dating. I don't want a middle-schooler, I want an adult.

7. Manners. Just because you are comfortable with someone should not mean all bets are off and you can just be a pig. I don't want to watch you floss, cut your toenails or deal with constant flatulence. In return I will try to keep my beauty regimes to myself.

8. Realism. In Parker's list he has an item about giving your man permission to have sex with a celebrity on his top five list IF the opportunity ever arrives. Seriously? Parker, how fucking old are you anyway? Do you really think Heidi Klum is going to come up to you in Starbucks and offer to do you? Yeah, ain't gonna happen, dude. Get over it.

9. Sex. Let's get over the stereotype that women don't want to have sex, do it because they "have" to, and just aren't interested. Bullshit! When you're with someone who you care about who cares about you, and is thoughtful, passionate and caring, it is the absolute best thing ever. When however it seems like something on a to-do list or a conquest, not so much.

10. Strength. I'm not talking Popeye, this is more an internal, intrinsic strength of spirit. I may invoke the hatred or women everywhere by saying as independent as I am I want to feel a little protected. Not controlled, but like the man I'm with looks out for me a bit. I'd do the same right back, so don't go thinking I'm trying to be the pretty, pretty princess or anything.

11. Ethics. Someone with good values and morals is essential. You can't trust someone who doesn't hold the same values you do. Trust is built on a foundation of believing in who someone is. There's nothing more manly than a guy who is honorable, honest and true to the people he loves. Conversely, there's nothing more unappealing than a man who is unfaithful, lies and disrespects the trust others put in him.

12. To be romanced and wooed. Feeling special and treasured is the best thing ever. Not that the right guy with some throwdown is bad either. A nice balance of both is good.

I know as time goes on I'll think of many more, but this is my first stab at my 12.

What would some of your have-tos be?

Necessary Luxuries: An Oxymoron or Reality?

2008-11-22T05:36:00.000-08:00

I don't know one person who isn't worried about money these days. Everyone is cutting back and trying to do without things they maybe took for granted before things were as bleak as they are right now. But, we've all got things we can't imagine doing without. What's a luxury to one, is a total necessity to another.

This got me thinking about the things in my life I would rather go out kicking and screaming to keep than get rid of. I'm a big fan of lists, so once again I've come up with my all-time top-five luxuries I can't live without.

1. My DVR, cable and Internet. That may seem like three things, but since I pay for them all together, I'm counting them as one. I write about TV for the Cape Cod Times, but I admit, even if I didn't I couldn't live without my cable. And now that I've had a DVR I could never go back to taping shows I might miss. And the Internet, well, as a freelance writer it's how I transmit my work, and the thought of going back to an IMDB -less world gives me hives.

2. I don't get coffee every day, but it's a couple of times a week treat. Going out for coffee is not just tasty, it's a social event as well, and for someone who works from home it also keeps insanity from creeping in. So it's medicinal as well!

3. Movies. I will go to matinees to get a cheaper ticket, but I won't stop going to movies. I do always contend however that if the movie industry dropped the price to $5 or $6 I would go a lot more often. Maybe if we didn't pay actors like Will Smith and Tom Cruise $20 million or so per picture they could drop the price. Just a thought.

4. Getting my hair professionally cut and highlighted. I may not do it as often, but after a couple of costly home-coloring disasters I will not try putting the blond in my hair myself. Nor will I go to Pro-Cuts because the last time I did that my hair looked like I was attacked with hedge clippers.

5. Make-up. I'm not talking department store items, I'm talking pretty basic CVS items, but there's no way I'm going without lip gloss and mascara no matter how dire the economy is.

There are many more things I can think of. Music - I don't buy a lot of tunes, but sometimes I just new something new to put me in a good mood. And magazines. And books. Wow. I think the only solution is to start making a heck of a lot more money because it's looking like there's a lot of things I can't do without. Bills. that's something I could do without. But, we can't always get what we want. Apparently though, according to the Rolling Stones we get what we need. I just apparently happen to need a lot.

Latest "Bachelorette," DeAnna Single Again

2008-11-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

So I can't say I was surprised to hear about Jesse the snowboarder and "Bachelorette" DeAnna breaking up, but I have to say I was a bit surprised by his very sad testimony on YouTube. Seriously, dude, who does that?! Not even John Mayer, d-bag that he is would do that. Oh wait, he sort of did.

I am sometimes inexplicably drawn to these awful "Bachelor" shows, they're like an accident I can't turn away from. I did watch enough of this last season to be pretty shocked when this woman who appeared to moderately have it together (well, as together as anyone does who goes on TV looking for a mate) chose this particular guy. He was kind of goofy, very young and a professional snowboarder - not that's there's anything wrong with that.

In post-show interviews they seemed positively blissful and I thought, well, who the hell am I to judge who anyone falls in love with? I thought I was very off-base in my judgement. Turns out, maybe my gut instincts are better than I think they are.

I think in all the oh so many seasons of this show - both the male and female versions, only one couple, Trista and Ryan have remained together. Why they keep bringing back this show I have no idea.

It seems that things are irretrievably broken for Jesse and DeAnna. How do I know? Well, their official Web site has been taken down. Yes, folks, that's how you know when things are really over - you go to a Web site and get an error message. Kind of says it all, don't you think?

Wow! "Real Sex For Real Women" Is Very Real!

2008-11-10T16:47:00.000-08:00

One of the perks of my job is I get sent books all the time. As someone who loves books, it is the best thing ever - free books showing up at my door often unbidden, and always appreciated.

A couple of days ago, a new book arrived at my doorstep. It wasn't wrapped in plain brown paper, but once I opened it up I thought it could have been. It's not often a book makes me blush, but this one kinda did.

"Real Sex For Women" really is an incredible how-to guide for both men and women. Laura Berman is at the forefront of human sexuality and she's got a best seller here I'm sure.
I had seen Dr. Berman on "Oprah" talking about the book so I had a pretty good idea how graphic the book was, but was a little surprised when after the FedEx guy left I opened the package and the book. And two hours later, I closed it. Well, not two hours, maybe a hour and a half, when I felt the need for something cold to drink and maybe an even colder shower. It's um, pretty explicit.

Believe me, I don't think there's anything at all wrong with sex, and anything couples can do to make it better I'm all for, but I surprised myself when thinking about all my kids arriving home for the weekend that I didn't think this book should be on my desk. So before they all arrive I will be discreetly sticking it in a drawer. My daughter would just laugh about it, but my sons would be completely freaked out and wonder what the hell mom was up to when they're not around. My oldest son is the type who can't handle a tampon commercial with his mom and sister, I think seeing a book full of naked photos of couples performing various activities would completely send him over the edge.

In the meantime I think that I'll spend some time poring over this tome. For research purposes of course. You never know when there might be a pop quiz, or the chance to write an article about sex might crop up. I want to be ready and raring to go, just in case. Yeah, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Don't tell my sons anything else.

Is Watching "Gossip Girl" Getting Teen Girls Pregnant?

2008-11-06T15:15:00.000-08:00

I'll admit it. I watch "Gossip Girl." Partly because I write about TV for my job, and partly because I seem to at times have the television viewing habits of a 15-year-old girl.

The difference between me and the demographic of this show (I'm assuming 14-24-year-old young women) is that the actions of these characters don't influence me, but they apparently are influencing young girls.

There was a study done recently sited in the Washington Post that found girls who watched shows like GG, "Sex and the City," "Friends" and even "That 70s Show," were twice as likely to engage in behavior that could lead to pregnancy.

I knew we weren't in Kansas anymore when the new "90210" opened with a girl giving a guy a blow job. Too many girls look at themselves as sexual commodities to be traded amongst the guys in their circle and don't recognize or respect their own value. It's startling to me to read about girls who randomly perform oral sex on boys at parties, on school buses and in school bathrooms. Where have we gone so wrong? I know lots of folks will say it all started with Bill Clinton, but girls felt bad about themselves and gave pieces of themselves away well before Monica Lewinsky.

In reading about the correlation between TV viewing and pregnancy I thought back to when my daughter was in middle and high school and how I handled what she watched. Thankfully, she wasn't a huge TV watcher, but we watched a lot of things together. Granted, in the 90s and early 2000s things weren't quite as explicit, but watching together gave me the chance to talk about my values, and how important respecting yourself and your body is. Thankfully my daughter made it through those fragile years without getting pregnant or, as far as I can tell, too scarred by the time. I like to think that my taking the time to be with her and talk about the choices characters on "Gilmore Girls," and the original "Beverly Hills 90210" made helped guide her.

Like so many areas of parenting that appear to have been abdicated, teaching our children about sex seems to have been left to the likes of Carrie Bradshaw and Chuck Bass.

We can't just blame what's on TV for the slutting up of our youth anymore than we can blame the manufacturers of Twinkies for the obesity problem that is rampant among our children. The buck truly stops with the people buying the food and paying the cable bill. We can't ever have complete control over our children, I certainly know this after raising three, but we can be a strong influence. We just need to shout from the rafters until it gets through to our girls - you are truly a treasure and should never, ever just give yourself away.

A Good Death After A Very Good Life

2008-11-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

My mom passed away this past Thursday, and as completely sad as it is for those of us who loved her and miss her terribly, I am very happy for her. She's no longer living in a body that had ceased to work and now she's at peace.

When she entered the hospital almost three weeks ago and all her grandchildren arrived, none of us had any idea that it would be the last time they would see her. We are all beyond grateful that she did get to see them and they her. We all had that time to laugh and share and tell one another how much we loved each other.

A few days after they left it became evident she wasn't going to get well, and a week ago I called my brother to return.

My brother Mark and I spent an entire week together in this very precious cocoon saying goodbye to our mom and holding each other up in the process.

We developed a routine over the week he was here of going to the hospital twice a day, making dinner late in the evening, and sitting - talking, watching "The Daily Show" and "Colbert Report," heading to bed and starting it all over the next day. We'd hold our mom's hands, give her sips of water, and just wait. In between we dealt with the realities of knowing she was going to die taking care of her house, her finances and yes, her cat. I can't imagine how only children do it all, or those who don't see eye to eye. There wasn't one issue we had to deal with that we disagreed about, there were no power struggles and no egos fighting for the driver's seat.

My mother showed more grace and courage through this process than I could ever think to muster. It shouldn't surprise me, because she faced everything in her life that way.

This loss is still very fresh and raw right now, but we're all doing pretty well. My brother has gone back to his life in New York, and I am looking once again at deadlines and surfing the Web for information for my columns. The sacred bubble we lived in for that one sad, sweet week has been broken, but we'll never forget the time we had together, and the way we helped ease our mom from her life on this plane to the next. After all she'd given us throughout our lives we wouldn't have had it any other way.

Beware Of Battle Cats

2008-10-23T11:02:00.000-07:00

While my mom is in the hospital I have brought her cat to my house so she won't be alone. I'm beginning to think she may have been just fine living the solo life given how she's been reacting to my household.

As I sit here writing, there are puncture wounds on my wrist throbbing away. These wounds stemmed from a ridiculously ill-thought out attempt to pet this cat while she was hiding in the back of my closet.

My mom has had Ginger for about seven years. As a frequent visitor to her house I have seen this cat approximately six times over nearly a decade. She either hides under furniture or a quilt on a bed practically 24 hours a day. Miss Personality she is not. On the other hand, my cat, Sashi, a Maine Coon cat mix, is the life of the party. Given the opportunity to put a lampshade on his head and swing from a chandelier, I think he would. These two do not see eye to eye on any level and seem to be keeping a safe distance from one another.

When my son Ben got into bed last night he was startled to hear some growling and hissing coming from under his bed. Ginger eventually came out, and Ben, animal lover that he is, began to pet her. She acquiesced to the attention, but growled and hissed at him the entire time.

In some ways she's a low maintenance pet - I leave food and water out, and miraculously in the morning it's gone. It's like living with Vampira the cat.

I'm happy to do what I can to help out my mom while she is recovering, but I think from now on Ginger and I are going to have a distant, yet cordial relationship. I don't think my limbs and digits are up for anything closer.

Family First Is Much More Than a Campaign Slogan

2008-10-19T07:07:00.000-07:00

The reason I haven't posted all week is that my mom has been seriously ill in the hospital. Life as we know it stops when something like this happens.

At 84-years-old it's hard to know how this will all play out, but I am trying to remain hopeful and positive.

Rather than focus on what's wrong and specifics of her illness, which feels inappropriate, I just wanted to write about who this woman I call mom is.

My mom, Louise, is a woman of that "Greatest Generation," you know, those folks who unlike us, didn't live beyond their means, saved, did the right thing without having to be reminded to, and lived good, honest, hard-working lives.

She was one of the very first single, working mothers I ever knew of. After my father left when I was about seven, she went back to teaching to support us. She didn't get a lot of financial help from him and on her modest teacher's salary supported my brother, Mark and I.

My brother and I had a tearful conversation this morning about who she is and what we learned from her and how that has impacted who we are.

I was telling him, and he agreed, that she is one of the least judgemental parents anyone could ever have. She's seen me go through a divorce, the ups and downs of raising three kids and never once has she ever second guessed or criticized me. She's just always told me how great a mother I am and how proud she is of me. Not too many people get that.

It's easy sometimes as we go through life to focus on what we didn't get, and all children can make a long list of those deficits, my children included I'm sure. But, when it dawns on you that this person won't always be there and that reality sets in, you start to realize that none of that matters, and what you got was what you needed.

It speaks volumes to the kind of person she is that her grandchildren have all shown up - my daughter all the way from California, and two sons from various New England locales, to support and give a hug to their Ama. She supports my oldest son in recovery, my younger son's DJ'ing career, my daughter's burgeoning career in finance, and she's never been anything but supportive of my decision to be a writer. She is also the kind of woman who even her ex-son-in-law visits in the hospital.

At 84, until a few months ago, my mom was going to yoga classes and became a Reiki Master at 80. She took my brother and I to be initiated into Transcendental Meditation when we were teens, and bought me lots of yarn, fabric, paints and books to support my interest in arts, crafts and writing. She was a different mom in many ways, and it's because of that difference I had the courage to take a leap and pick a career that may feed my soul but not always my bank account.

No one's childhood is perfect or idyllic. I actually believe some of those lacks and struggles are an important part of the people we become. The trick I think is to not get so mired down in those lacks that you fail to see the pluses, and for me those far outweigh the minuses.

Britney's Back And I'm So Excited!

2008-10-12T17:28:00.000-07:00

The last couple of years have been pretty rough for Britney Spears. When the paparazzi were following her day and night it was like a fox being hunted by a pack of wild dogs. Thankfully things have turned around for the young star in the last year and, and with this video, "Womanizer," the first single from her upcoming album, "Circus," it truly shows she is back.

You're not allowed to embed the video, but at least you can hear the song here!

Britney's mom, Lynne Spears has talked a lot about what her family has been through in her book, "Through the Storm," which I have read, and wasn't at all what i thought it would be. It wasn't salacious in any way, and gave some insights into how they got where they did. After reading it I can only hope that parents will think twice before encouraging kids into show business. No parent should ever want their child to be a commodity to be bought and sold, but it's easy to see how seductive the fame and money can be.

I am not saying that Britney is a huge musical talent, but for what she does, when she's healthy she does it well.

Finally! Some Paris Hilton News!

2008-10-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

Now here I was just a few hours ago talking about how I wish I could talk more pop culture less politics, and this falls right into my lap: a bit of both worlds. The absurdity of Washington melded with the silliness of Hollywood. Life is feeling normal once again.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Seeing Martin Sheen brings me back to the simple days of Aaron Sorkin, a time when presidents were strong, capable, moral and good. The presidents of "The West Wing," and "The American President" that is what I want.

Ah, if life were only that simple...

When Will The Madness End?

2008-10-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I will go back to writing about oh I don't know, Paris Hilton or maybe my make-believe boyfriend, George Clooney, I keep finding things in the news that keep dragging me back.

Last night I was watching the news and got to see many shots of Sarah Palin whipping crowds into a hate-fueled frenzy by bringing up Barack Obama's middle name, (gee, I have one son whose middle name is Shadrach and my daughter's is Eun Bee, what have I done to them?!) long-dismissed ties to a 1960s radical, and even the New York Times for God's sake. What is wrong with this woman? I winced as I listened to crowds scream, "Terrorist!" about Senator Obama, and was stunned at just how low things can go.

There is a line that should never, ever be crossed and she continues to cross it out of desperation and not having a leg to stand on (even if that leg is standing on styling peep-toe pumps).

It is reprehensible and completely irresponsible in this day and age to encourage that kind of hate-mongering during what should be an intelligent election process. But as Obama has said, these things are part of the "Silly season" of politics.

At this point I cannot wait for this election to be over. I hope that we all come out of this unscathed and still speaking to one another. I think we've all been hurt enough by everything that's happening in the last several weeks, heck, years, it's time for hope to override fear and hate. Bottom line, no matter who you vote for it shoulnd't be out of hating someone else.

OJ Simpson's Guilty Verdict Gives Proof To The Existence Of Karma

2008-10-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, eleven years to the day that he was acquitted in the murder of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend, Ron Goldman, he was found guilty on all counts of armed robbery and kidnapping in a botched scheme to get some of his memorabilia back.

Maybe it's not very kind or forgiving of me, but I smiled when I read that and felt at that moment that perhaps what goes around does indeed come around.

I remember the day when that first verdict came in. My ex-husband and I were, with the help of my mom, cleaning our house that we'd sold and moving into a rental while we built a new home. The furniture was all gone, but the cable was still connected and the three of us sat there on the floor, mops, sponges and dusters in hand huddled around a tiny TV waiting for the verdict.

All these years later I remember that feeling of my heart racing, waiting as the jury filed in and Simpson rose to hear the verdict. Not Guilty. I couldn't believe it. I'd watched a lot of the trial and just could not believe it. The blood in the Bronco, the chase in the Bronco, the thump against Kato Kaelin's wall. The lateness in getting to the airport, the limo driver not being able to get him, the weapon for God's sake. I sat there stunned believing to my core that this man had indeed gotten away with murder.

A year or so ago I wrote in a column about his proposed book, "If I Did It," and how horrible it was. The Goldman family actually took over and did get the book published and have taken the profits from it for a foundation in their son's name. I'm not sure I agree with putting this horrible story out there in any form or fashion, but that clearly wasn't mine to decide.

This verdict and possible life sentence in jail is certainly too little too late for the families of Nicole and Ron, but hopefully knowing that OJ may finally be going to jail will provide them with some solace.

For too long the swagger and arrogance of this man have spared him from paying for his crimes. Well, it looks like his number finally came up. How fitting that it happened in Vegas.

Vote Vote Vote!!!

2008-10-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

I live in Massachusetts, and there are only about 11 more days where you can register to vote for the upcoming election. To find out how easy it is to register in Massachussetts or your own state so go here.

There are people around the world who would give anything to have the privilege to vote, something many among us take terribly for granted. It is nothing to be squandered.

I remember my first presidential election very well. It was Jimmy Carter, 1975 or so. I was thrilled to be able to cast my vote and haven't missed an election since.

This year, more than ever, we all need to take a stand for change. I've made my preference known, but everyone has to choose the candidate who is right for them.

Just remember if you don't bother to cast a vote you have no right to complain, and if you're anything like me, when things don't go your way you want to be able to complain about it!

Maybe this seems a little out of place coming from a pop culture columnist, but what's more cultural, pop or not than our future? I know I want to be able to write about Britney, George Clooney and anything else that crosses my mind in a home I can pay for that has heat I can afford as well. I'm just like you trying to get by and make sure I'm helping to create a future that is solid and healthy for my children.

That doesn't mean I don't love Hello Kitty, celebrities and movies. It just means there's more to life than those things and we all have to do our best to make sure everyone has a good shot at having a good life.

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

2008-10-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

I've always considered myself a girl's girl, and as an adult, a woman's woman. But there are times that I am disappointed in my gender and find myself siding more with the guys.

Having raised two sons and a daughter, I saw up close and personal just how different the friendships between boys and girls are. I held my daughter as she cried about being treated badly by "mean girls" and I saw my sons get upset with a friend, deal with it and move on.

What got me thinking about this is today's "Oprah," a show about a mother who forgot her toddler daughter in her car when she went to work. Hours later, the little girl was found dead from heat stroke. It's easy to stand in judgement and think that you'd never do that, but it was truly an accident. An accident she will have to live with for the rest of her life.

The mom talked about how she went from being a well-respected assistant principal and mother to who she called, "The most hated woman in America." And it was largely women who told her how horrible she was.

For some reason we can be each other's biggest supporters and worst enemies. My daughter graduated in May from Wellesley College, one of the few women's colleges left in the country. The education she received there is unparalleled, and she made some friends who I am sure will be friends for life, but for all of that there was mean girl activity that was so awful I was appalled. Once in a while she would forward threads of e-mails to me. Below is what she sent to me during her freshman year:

"This best represents Wellesley girls. It starts off with a girl named
Anna* looking for a place to tan. Very bad choice to post on the Wellesley
community conference. As we all know girls have a tendency to be catty.
Well now we can do it over the Internet. It goes from tanning, to skin
cancer, to racism, to proving that girls really are crazy." *Name changed

The e-mail went on to judging and mocking this poor girl who asked a simple question and showed just how cruel girls can be.

I adore my women friends, and thankfully I'm pretty confident no one in my close circle is a frenemy, but I've been subjected to sniping, judging and been lied to by women I thought were dear friends.

We hold ourselves to such high standards: we have to have perfect children, relationships, homes and jobs, all while being a size 4 and looking hot. Who can live up to all that?!

I think we turn on each other for a few reasons: We're hungry after not having consumed more than 1000 calories a day in 10 years and we're not thinking straight. If we diminish someone else we can feel better about ourselves. And I think it's encouraged by a media that loves cat fights.

Maybe the best thing we can do is to circle the wagons and stop hurting each other. In the meantime, I'm going to make sure I have some good guy friends too, at least I always know where I stand with them.

Tina Fey Is My Hero

2008-09-27T05:19:00.000-07:00

I have been a fan of writer/actress Tina Fey for a very long time. I have long admired her rising to the top as a comedy writer in a world that is very much male dominated. She was head writer on "Saturday Night Live" for several years, while there wrote the hit movie, "Mean Girls," and went on to create the Emmy Award winning "30 Rock." Add to this successful commercials and print ads for American Express and you can see her stock (unlike Wall Street's) is very much on the rise.

Jezebel had a great post yesterday about the branding of Tina Fey, and I think all this success couldn't happen to a more deserving person.

The post suggests that Fey has probably earned approximately $17 million so far in her career, and states that number will do nothing but grow exponentially given her talent, and until her 15 minutes are up (we can only hope) her uncanny resemblance to VP candidate, Sarah Palin.

In an era when we know the names of people like Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag, from "The Hills," it is refreshing to see that there is still a place for actual talent.

When she took a cue from the book,Queen Bees and Wannabees
she captured the life of girls in high school so well in her script for Mean Girls (Special Collector's Edition) it was clear then that Tina Fey was a woman a great talent who would be around for a long time.

I am thrilled that for once it's the woman who is not classically beautiful,(though I think she's gorgeous) who has an actual brain in her head who is making a mark on the showbiz world. Enough with the Restalyne and silicone-filled bimbos, lets give a big shout-out to the smart funny girls! They're much more fun to hang out with anyway.

"Whatever, Martha" is Totally My New Obsession

2008-09-23T05:33:00.000-07:00

If you've ever wondered what it was like to be Martha Stewart's daughter, wonder no more. Alexis Stewart and her Sirius radio partner are hosting a new show on the Fine Living Network called, "Whatever, Martha" Tuesdays at 9.

This show is like watching Martha with your friends, but they're extremely clever, witty friends who have years of issues from having been Martha's daughter.

When I was married, oh so many years ago, I kind of wanted to be Martha. I wanted to be the perfect housewife, but somehow somewhere along the way I lost that. That passion for making homemade pasta was replaced by a passion for writing, but there's still this little part of me that wants to be just a little like Martha. Unfortunately I always fall just a little bit short.

Last night I decided to try to impress a guy by making homemade pizza, something I'm usually not too bad at. I was trying hard to make it look perfect, but the dough just didn't want to cooperate. It was far from round, (I don't think there's a name for the shape it morphed into)and was thicker than I usually make it, it was so not Martha-like. It tasted good, but as it flopped over the wooden palate, oozing cheese on to the counter I realized that no matter how hard I try, the things I do will never be perfect.

Perhaps that why I love "Whatever, Martha." It pokes fun at the quest for culinary and domestic perfection that no one can truly achieve. It shows us the flaw in that thinking and makes us realize that like so many things in life, it's more about the thought behind the effort than the actual outcome. Taking the time to do something for someone rather than the perfect outcome should be the goal, it truly is the thought that counts.

At least that's what I told myself as I stood there trying to figure out how to cut a pizza that looked like a geometry class reject. Hopefully my dinner companion agreed.

I think I'm In Love With Neil Patrick Harris. That Could Be A Problem

2008-09-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

All right, so here's the problem. It doesn't matter that he's a big TV star and I have no way of meeting him, that would actually be the easy part. The problem (for me, not him) is that he's gay.

It's probably a little creepy liking the guy who played "Doogie Houser" when I was an adult, but he's a completely legal and completely unavailable 35-years-old, so it's not that weird.

When NPH was outted by Perez Hilton a couple of years ago it looked like it could be a very bad thing for his career, interestingly enough, in the time since then it's become completely cool to like him. "How I Met Your Mother" (or HIMYM as it's known to fans) has gone from a barely surviving show to a big hit - largely due to NPH.

NPH has subbed many times for Regis on "Regis and Kelly" and is always a stellar foil and host-chat mate for Kelly Ripa. This summer he pushed the envelope and starred in the Web-based musical, "Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Along Blog," and helped to elevate the genre of Web series.

So why do I love NPH? Well, he's pretty freaking adorable in that very cute-guy way. He's self-deprecating, (one of my favorite qualities in people) he can do magic and he's very quick witted and funny. What else do I need in a guy? Hm, good question. Well, being straight might be a good start, but for NPH I might just be willing to bend that rule.

Driving Mr. Sashi

2008-09-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

It always seems that just when I think my life can't get any weirder, well, it does.

I have spent weeks working on my house getting it ready to sell. I love my house, but the time has come for the "Leave it to Beaver" house to be passed on to another big family, or at least some really rich folks who can pay to heat it above the bone-chilling 62 degrees I've kept it at every winter .

A ritual part of putting your house on the market is after you've scrubbed, weeded, patched and painted yourself into a mere nub of who you once were, is the tour of the MLS (multiple listing service). This swarm of human locusts descends upon your home, whipping through it at breakneck speed and judging every nook, cranny and burned out light bulb.

As the lowly owner of the house I needed to vacate, and since there would be many people in and out, my cat Sashi needed to leave too.

Having spent the morning vacuuming myself out of every room, scrubbing my shower within an inch of its life and folding about 100 loads of laundry that had piled up while I painted and met newspaper deadlines, I didn't have time to prep the cat for the ensuing adventure. Meaning, when the Realtor called and gave me the "Thundercats are go!" signal, I threw the litter box in the back of my wagon, grabbed the cat and zoomed out of here.

As I drove down the road, meowing cat clutching the back of my car seat, I thought that perhaps placing him in his carrying case might have been a better idea.

I didn't know where to go, so my howling companion and I rolled aimlessly down the streets of my town. Certainly going for coffee was out of the question, I feared he'd bolt out the door and I'd never see him again, and really, who could have blamed him? Plus I only had enough cash in my pocket for one coffee, how rude would that have been to not offer him a latte?

We do live on Cape Cod, so finally I decided to take Sashi to the beach. Not to frolic in the sand or go for a swim, but to look out at the water and appreciate this lovely place where he lives.

He wasn't impressed.

Sashi is an indoor cat, a decision my kids and I made after our last cat became dinner for a coyote. His entire world is the square footage within the confines of our house. He is the king of the castle in the world he knows, but out there, thrust into a space he didn't know, he was a quaking pile of fur. I felt terrible, but my Realtor had promised me that this would be about a half an hour at best.

A half hour went by, then an hour. No call on my cell. I amused myself by texting with my son who must have been very bored at work to spend time communicating with mom. I sent all three of my kids pictures of Sashi in the car, (I'm sorry my tech ability doesn't extend on how to put pictures from my phone here) and I think they truly thought I had finally lost it and was now so desolate I was taking the cat on errands and appointments with me.

I tried singing the theme song from "Toonces the Driving Cat" to him, but that was way before his time and he didn't like it. Time dripped by, I read People magazine and Sashi sat quietly it the backseat having declined any reading material.

Finally, after an hour and a half I got the all-clear call to come home.

I don't know who was happier me or the cat. Probably him. I'm used to the car.

I Am Convinced That Nicholas Sparks Has It In For Me

2008-09-08T04:29:00.000-07:00

The first time I saw the commercial for the new film "Nights In Rodanthe" I actually yelled at my television. I thought, here we go again; a movie muddying the already very murky waters of love. Isn't finding and sustaining a relationship hard enough without the expectations that Sparks heaps on us?

I want every woman who has ever had a man ask her, "Who keeps you safe?" in a sensitive, super-caring way to raise her hand (and your father doesn't count!). Yeah, I thought so. I'm betting no one, except maybe Nicholas Sparks wife (and boy, would I love to talk to her about what he's REALLY like)has ever had a Sparks-esque relationship. She may have had a moment, especially early on, and chances are there was the possibility of sex laying in the balance that was the real reason behind the moment.

Sparks is the man who brought us tearjerkers like "Message in a Bottle," and "The Notebook." I think, like so many writers (I have to say, usually women) he is ruining love for we singltons, rendering us dreamy eyed and wistful thinking that maybe, just maybe there's a guy who will sweep in and care about your feelings more than the score of the football game and the report due on Monday at work.

Now granted, I haven't seen the movie, but what I have seen in trailers and commercials shows Richard Gere as a doctor who doesn't appear to have been a great husband having put career first. Then, a crisis (I'm assuming) brings him to Diane Lane, equally sad and well, there were end up with the "who keeps you safe?" line.

I don't like to think I'm bitter about love. Realistic perhaps. All right, there may be a smidge of bitterness crammed in there somewhere. Not a lot, just a little. Maybe I have such a visceral reaction to line like that, or "You complete me" as a bit of a defense against hoping that maybe there actually is a guy out there who want to take on me and my complicated life.

I'm not holding my breath, but you never know. But if he ever asks me, "Who keeps you safe?" I might just have to say, "me."

That Old Feeling Of Hating "The View" Is Returning

2008-09-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

I had looked forward to the return of "The View," the ABC daytime talk-fest that Barbara Walters helms. I thought about Whoopi Goldberg and how much I admire her, so when I tuned in yesterday as I caught up on e-mails and organized my desk, it all came flooding back: Elisabeth Hasselbeck makes my head want to explode. Okay, so I admit it:My name is Candy and I am a liberal. Satisfied? Like anyone would be surprised by that. I try so hard to be open minded, but when I hear her talk I want to scream.

For two days I've heard her tow the GOP line extolling about the virtues of Gov. Sarah Palin, making statements about sexism and just completely contradicting everything she said about Lynne Spears when HER teenage daughter was pregnant.

I have been reading lots of columns by people (Maureen Dowd and Ellen Goodman) much better versed than me in this arena, but as a mother of three I have something to say.

On "The View" yesterday Sherri Shepard was all behind Elisabeth's support of Palin saying that "Hey, if she can be in charge of a family if five she can do the job of vice -president." Really? Is this how low the bar has been set?

I am a single mother of three. From the time my youngest was eleven I was the primary parent of her and her thirteen and eighteen-year-old brothers. I did this while building a career as a journalist, going to school and dealing with a myriad of teen issues, some of them very serious issues. This however does not in any way qualify me for the vice presidency.

I've thought a lot about my own sexism in my surprise over McCain's pick and I decided that I would feel the way I do whether the pick was a male or female.

As a parent I would never want to put a child of mine in a situation like Bristol Palin's through the scrutiny of a national political battle. There are times - whether you're a mother or a father - that you put your kid's needs before your own. Given that she gave birth to a son with special needs just four months ago, it just seems like she's throwing her family under the campaign bus to get what her ambition desires.

I sat on these feelings for a couple of days because I was kind of embarrassed. My objections to her should be solely based on her beliefs -which believe me, they largely are, but as a parent my first thoughts went to,"Wow, five kids, one with Down Syndrome, one pregnant at seventeen, I think these people need to hunker in and take care of what's in right front of them at home." Yeah, family first my ass. Oh wait, I forgot, it's now "Country First."

Being a heartbeat away from the presidency isn't like being a co-host on "The View" Elisabeth and Sherri, if you screw up at work you might embarrass yourselves, but no one dies.

Top Five Ways That "Sex and the City" Got Being Single All Wrong

2008-08-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last few weeks painting the exterior of my house, shampooing carpets and mowing my grass which is strategically laced with lots of poison ivy just waiting to attack hyper-allergic me.

Today I collapsed on the couch after hauling a carpet cleaning machine up and down the stairs - not to mention back and forth and back and forth on the various carpets. I turned on the TV and came upon an episode of "Sex and the City." It was one of the ones when Carrie was dating Aleksandr Petrovsky, (none of those were amongst my favorites) and it got me thinking about how led astray we single women can be by this quartet of women. I've always been a big fan, but as I sat there, exhausted from cleaning, my legs still stinging from the scratches I got when I had to wade through rambling roses to paint my porch, I thought this is so not the experience of any single women I know. The single women I know are pretty happy, but many struggle financially, most have children, and the only designer clothes they purchase are found in the racks at TJMaxx and Marshalls. So I thought about it and came up with my all time top-five ways that "Sex and the City" is wrong.

1. I have wooden floors and no man (like Carrie's boyfriend, Aidan) has ever offered to come over and refinish them. Aidan was an incredible guy who didn't just buy Carrie's apartment, he bought the one next door as well to create a lovely home for them. And she cheated on him. If any handsome, talented, successful, smart man wanted to re-do my floors, I would promise fidelity. Forever.
2. Like Carrie Bradshaw I am a columnist and I do not own one pair of Manolo Blahniks. Newspapers do not, in general pay writers well. Like choosing to be a teacher because you love children and want to help educate the next generation, you choose to be a writer because you can't not write. If I was smart I would have chosen many other possible careers that would enable me to work one job, not several. There are days that even taxidermy seems like a better alternative to this. Then I get excited about something and I just have to write.
3. Where are all these guys these women go out with? Where I live I'm lucky if I meet a couple of guys a year worth even having a cup of coffee with. Most of the time being alone in the glow of my computer monitor with a hot cup of tea is a more satisfying option.
4. Chances are, if I ever went to a baseball game I would not end up with a date with a baseball player - unlike Carrie who caught a fly-ball and ended up with the "New Yankee." With my luck the ball would have hit me in the head and the only person I would have met would be the medic icing down the melon-sized lump on my head.
5. Men like Big don't come to France and rescue you from your failed romance with a Russian artist. Not that I know anyone who's had a relationship with a Russian artist - failed or otherwise. It was a great fantasy that Big would show up, take Carrie in his arms and tell her, "You're the one, Carrie," but I don't think a commitment-phobe like Big would ever truly do that.

Of course there were many things they did get right:

Beware of "frenemies" - those people who you think are on your side but would just as soon stab you in the back as look at you.

That said, I know from SATC that there is nothing like your girlfriends in good times and bad.

Beware of guys like Jack Berger - quick, funny, make you feel amazing and smart. The ones who seem too good to be true often are.

And, as Carrie learned when she slept with a guy she met at her therapist's office, watch out for the same kind of guy you always go for who always breaks your heart. He might be wearing a different pair of pants than the guy before him, but believe me, you'll be amazed that he always seems to show up just when you thought you've finally smartened up.

WTF? Who The Hell Wants To Go To A "Safari Chic" Party?

2008-08-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal today about the ridiculous dress codes people are expecting for their parties.

There were terms like "wild chic," "beach formal," "resort dressy," "international," "festive," and one of my favorites, "creative black tie." What does this mean???

I have to admit that I don't get invited to very many events where an actual paper invitation is sent. Mostly it's phone calls, in person or an e-mail. I know, this says an awful lot about the quality of my social life, doesn't it?

Where I live on the Cape it is a veritable potpourri of fashion dos and don'ts, leaning heavily on the don'ts.

Depending on where on the Cape you are - the more tony Osterville, Centerville area, or the more bohemian lower Cape, it will dictate what's acceptable.

And if you hang near Chatham expect to see lots of madras, pink (on the guys) and embroidered pants. You know, embroidered with whales, fish skeletons, things like that. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Since most the events I get invited to are not formal I don't see a lot of Safari anything, never mind "chic." Having not been to any kind of resort in many years I am not even sure what resort wear would be - a sarong? I'm probably so wrong. Sorry, I had to go there.

I go back and forth about the casualness of where I live. I sometimes wish it was a little more fashion forward, but on the other hand there's something wonderful about being around people for whom labels are the last thing on their minds.

I find working as a writer from home that it's awfully easy to get lazy and not bother to dress nicely and my daughter is the first to tell me when I'm slipping into Cape Cod Lack Of Chic.

There are limits to what I will and will not wear. Here is my own personal dos and don'ts for dressing on Cape Cod (what others do is their business and I'm not judging anyone else's choices, some people look really good in sweat pants, Birkenstocks and socks!)
1. No Uggs when it's not winter
2. I will never buy Birkenstocks
3.Flannel is for lumberjacks, not women who want to look sexy
4. Crocs will NEVER be on my feet. Not now, not ever.
5. Hippie clothes - I'm not a hippie anymore. No tie-dye, no full length skirts (unless it's a ball gown) no wooden clogs and no mom jeans, pegged jeans or acid washed jeans.

You can live here and have style. You just can't expect anyone else to want to wear what you do. So if you have a party, you'd best just be open to what shows up. I haven't seen a lot of pith helmets and only a couple of tuxes in my time here.

The good news is if you're into fashion you'll always be the best dressed person around, and if you're not that's just fine too. No one will judge you, they probably won't even notice.

Is John Mayer An Attention Slut? Quite Possibly!

2008-08-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

I know Jennifer Aniston certainly doesn't need my sympathy. She's beautiful, successful and wealthier than I can ever imagine being. But somehow I do keep ending up on Team Aniston because I often feel she gets a raw deal. Perez Hilton is mean to her (why? I can not for the life of figure out how Angelina Jolie is saint-like to him but Jen is tormented all the time on his blog) and magazines scream from their covers all the time how "desperate" she is for a baby, a marriage, hearth and home - or all of the above. Really? Hmmm, she looks pretty happy to me!

Her latest relationship and breakup involving John Mayer has once again proven that the world seems to be laying in wait for Jen to appear heartbroken or desperate. I just never thought a guy she was dating, especially another celebrity would kind of sell her out.

It was while I was out walking this morning that it occurred to me: John Mayer is really kind of a douche. There. I said it. It's not a word I particularly like, but for some folks, it just fits. The fact that he stopped and spoke to the paparazzi and gave them this spiel about the bust-up makes me sick. Any man who does that is a sleazeball. Did you see Clooney stopping to talk to the paps about his breakup? I don't think so. Because Clooney has class, something Mayer clearly doesn't.

While he made it sound that it was him he ended the relationship, Jen's people said she came to the realization that it seemed he was tipping off the paparazzi as to where they'd be. The very private Aniston was not happy.

I understand that Mayer is a young music star and part of that gig is apparently to date a lot of stars and wannabe stars. But there is something about him that just smacks of egotism and smugness that make me want to smack him. I have the same feeling about Zack Braff, who,I contend, were he not a TV star, would be spending most Saturday nights either alone or with his parents. He's not that cute, sorry gals. Hey, I loved "Garden State," but he was mean to Mandy Moore and I like her, and not just for this.

I am just waiting for something to happen to humble Mayer just a little bit. He's not quite the savior of his generation he seems to portend to be and I would love to see him, just once, put in his place.

My advice to John Mayer (not that he asked for it) would be to grow up a little bit, stop taking yourself so damn seriously, develop some class and find some humility. You might have to dig pretty deep, but I bet you might find it in there somewhere.

Does The Fact That I Like To Bake Cupcakes Make Me Less Ambitious?

2008-08-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

I have two very different personas. No, my nickname is not Sybil, I am quite normal actually. Well, mostly normal. All right, sort of normal.

Since I became a writer and have been appearing a few times week in print and on the Web, there is my writer persona who is the sometimes snarky, often ditzy pop culture fan who dishes about Madonna, Angelina and talks about the music you must hear. Then there is another side. The super-responsible mother of three who yes, bakes cupcakes (cookies too!) and, OMG! even knits.

There was a piece in the UK paper, The Guardian today about just this thing: "Do Feminists Make Cupcakes?" that got me thinking about this whole topic once again. Does being domestic make you less formidable professionally?

I feel like Carrie Bradshaw when I pose the question:Can you be super-successful AND be a girly girl who likes to bake, knit and take care of the people you love?

Certainly Martha Stewart has made millions bridging that gap between commerce and cake baking, but since she's making money making those cakes so I'm not sure that counts.

I am talking about those of us who are ambitious, hard-working and driven, but also have this kind of June Cleaver side and like doing things that might make us look like throwbacks to a different era.

The benefits of the feminist movement are vast and I'm very grateful for them. I love the fact that I can do and be anything I want to be. And I love that my daughter has even more doors open to her than I ever did.

But, all that said. I like having some of those doors held open for me, heavy things lifted and the ugly bugs removed -they don't have to be killed - just put elsewhere. I like knitting scarves (my knitting expertise is limited but sincere) and I make a pretty decent creme brulee. I often wonder how to meld these two diametrically opposed parts into one person who can do it all. I think it's possible, it's just going to take some juggling.

I have a fantasy (not THAT kind) about someday opening up a really cool cupcake shop. Maybe with my daughter. We'd make all sorts of delicious and pretty cupcakes and make people happy with our little pieces of sugary goodness.

Of course I still want to be a best-selling author.

I'm thinking maybe the best thing the feminist movement gave us is to be able to live in a time where I can have my writing career and bake my cupcakes too.

George Clooney Is Unavailable - In More Ways Than One

2008-08-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

So everyone in the world knows that I've got a bit of a thing for George Clooney. Me and about 10 million other women.

I've long referred to him as my make-believe boyfriend, because in lots of ways, make believe boyfriends are far easier than real ones. And let's face it, the odds of him becoming my real one are slim to none. We don't exactly run in the same circles.

But then I had what I thought was inspired idea, a way I might actually get to have a conversation with Clooney - and I wouldn't have to dress up as a hotel maid or risk getting arrested to do it.

It suddenly occurred to me - hey, I'm a journalist! Stars give interviews to promote their movies, music and TV shows, why not track down the right people and try to get a phone interview with the him?! He has a new movie coming out on September 12, "Burn After Reading," of course he wants to get press for it. I know, he'll do "Letterman," "The Daily Show" and all the rest, but hey, I was offering the Cape Cod Times! How could he turn THAT down?

I bolstered myself up before I made some calls. I told myself, "You're no dilettante! You've interviewed Carly Simon, Ray Romano, Jack Klugman, Kathy Griffin and lots of other famous people! You can do this!"

This was good. This was working. I knew this was it.I was psyched. I was "Rocky" before the big fight. One of the ones he actually won. I planned what I'd ask him, how clever and witty I'd be. I decided he'd think I was so funny he'd want to see what else I'd written, and he'd think that a movie should be made from my book and he'd be the one to bring it to the big screen.

All right, so I got a little ahead of myself.

So I made my calls and got far enough that I was asked to e-mail someone named "Justin" a press request. My e-mail was wonderful. It was witty and smart, how could they possibly turn down this writer from a legitimate albeit small newspaper?

Days went by and I heard nothing. I checked my e-mail hoping to see Justin in my inbox (do not take anything dirty from that). So I sent a very light and fun follow-up. I even mentioned the very real possibility that Martha's Vineyard summer resident, Walter Cronkite would see this story and want to see Clooney's new movie. I was on fire.

And then it came.

I was denied.

One short e-mail brought things to an abrupt end: "Thanks so much for your interest, but George isn't available. Good luck to you though :)"

All those dreams. All those plans. And it all comes to an end at the hands of a guy named Justin; a guy who uses emodicans in business e-mails.

I Think Christie Brinkley May Be A Stepford Ex-Wife Time Four

2008-08-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

I came across this New York magazine article written by Amy Larocca today and found it a little puzzling.

Somehow, I'm not sure why, I thought Brinkley had some real depth and intelligence. I admit I often make the mistake of thinking having the ability to make vast sums of money must mean you've got something going on in your head. But you know, maybe not so much.

In this piece, Larocca says that Brinkley almost never stops smiling and describes her, almost like a ventriloquist, able to talk and still smile. I think there's something a little creepy about that.

Certainly she's a beautiful woman, and at 54, incredible. But, I have to admit that anyone who's been married and divorced four times, well, you gotta kind of wonder.

The article describes Brinkley smiling enthusiastically about a guy rowing by her waterfront home, and she just sounded a little creepy as she waxed on - smiling of course - about how wonderful America is and how beautiful every single thing seems to be. Well it probably is when you're a multi-millionaire who owns 10 homes in the freaking Hamptons. Sorry, a tiny bit of envy just popped up. She's worked hard for what she has, I know, but why can't she be a little more real?

One of the first tenents you learn about writing in the first person is to be self-deprecating. I have no problem showing my flaws to my readers. - the problem is in choosing which one to show It just bothers me that someone like Brinkley, who just went through a very ugly and very public divorce can't divulge that hey, even when you're blond and have a megawatt smile life can be hard. Maybe it just makes the rest of us feel better about our own sorry lots to know that everyone has struggles, even supermodels.

Bottom line, I do have a certain admiration for Christie Brinkley. She's not afraid to fight for what she wants or believes in, has accomplished a great deal in her life, and she's done it all with a smile on her face. Albeit a big, toothy, kind of scary one.

Another Brush With Fame - My Chat With Marc Cohn

2008-08-15T05:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I had the opportunity to interview Grammy winning singer/songwriter, Marc Cohn and it was wonderful.

I never know what to expect when I put a call into a celebrity. Most of the time I am very relieved that who ever is on the other end of the phone is just lovely to me. This is part of their job, and they know I am just doing mine. They are also very used to how to do this, they give me what I need for quotes, and if I'm lucky we hit it off and can joke around - Cohn was one such person.

There have only been a couple of times in the four years I've been interviewing celebrities where I was unhappy at the end of the call. And I will never tell who they were!

Yesterday's call, on the other hand, was one of the best.

Marc was funny, smart, humble and very in touch with what's important in life. Not surprising since he survived being shot in the head three years ago.

Cohn was on tour, playing in Denver on that fateful night. He and his band were headed back to their van after their show when a would-be car jacker shot Cohn in the left temple. Miraculously, he was released the next day and has no lasting physical effects.

He is married to ABC news anchor, Elizabeth Vargas, so as charming and delightful as I found him, damn it, he's taken! But, it's a little easier to swallow knowing that he's married to someone as wonderful as Vargas. In my research I read that the pair were introduced in 1999 at the U.S. Open by Andre Agassi. Reading this made me realize just how shallow my dating pool is - the way to meet a guy like Cohn is to be in a position yourself to be at an event with the likes of Andre Agassi. Somehow guys like Cohn don't show up in the regular haunts, like the town landfill and supermarket.

Cohn and Vargas have two young sons, 2 and 5-years old, and Cohn has a 13-year-old daughter and 17-year-old son from his first marriage. He talked a lot about how much he loves being a dad, and is never away from home for more than two weeks in a row.

So really, what I discovered talking to him is yeah, he's pretty much a perfect guy: He writes music, is an involved dad, is handsome, smart and funny. All in all, not a bad way to spend 45 minutes on a Thursday morning. Sometimes I just have to love my job.

I leave you with one of my favorite Marc Cohn songs.

I was Never A "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" And I Think It's Too Late To Change

2008-08-10T05:20:00.000-07:00

I was reading one of my favorite blogs the other day, Jezebel, and came across this post about "Manic Pixie Dream Girls," and then read the blog post at The Petite Sophisticate about Amazing Girls that had inspired the rant.

The topic wasn't something I'd ever thought about too much, though clearly these young women had. But when I read these posts I realized I'd known MPDGs too. I think we all do or did. I think it's something that's a little harder to pull off after 35 or so.

MPDG's are sometimes waif-like, but always AMAZING. They are every guy's dream - they are sweet, non-judgemental, often artistic giving the promise of possible sexual abandon, a little flighty, and as the Jezebel post states: they are portrayed in film in particular, (in scripts mostly penned by men) as "docile."

Reading this post explained so much to me about why my high school experience was so different from the girls I knew who had guys dropping at their feet. I had a total light bulb moment! It wasn't about breast size, well, it probably was somewhat, but I was up against MPDGs - I didn't have a chance!

I went to three different high schools. No, I didn't get kicked out or anything, though it was probably entirely possible given my strong opinions about fairness and injustice and how students were treated. I was far from docile. At every school I now see there was a MPDG just waiting to taunt me with her over-sized sweaters and smile.

The first MPDG I knew was Eva. She ended up with Joe, the guy I wanted more than anything in the world. I truly always thought it was her enormous breasts that got his attention but I now realize she was an amazing girl. She was sweet, easy-going and while not classically pretty, carried herself with an air of grace I just didn't posses at 14. She was 15 I think, a much older girl.

At my next school it was Nanny. She totally looked the part of the MPDG:long blond ringlets. petite and delicate, almost ethereal. And she was smart and well-spoken. The daughter of a famous author, I envied her quirky family and the way she could layer sweaters, cargo pants and a scarf and look perfect.

At my final high school, there was Wendy. She came in our senior year and turned every guy's head. She was fresh-faced and sweet, quiet yet made the guys laugh. She got one of the few guys in my class who was smart and a little quirky - just the kind of guy I liked. Oh my, it seems my type hasn't changed much.

I haven't run into any of these women since high school or college. After reading that post and thinking about all the MPDGs I've seen in movies, it seems what they have going for them, and perhaps is the reason so many guys go gaga over them is they are completely non-threatening. Now I don't mean to be threatening, but I think in some ways maybe I am. I can't keep my mouth shut when something important bugs me, I have strong opinions about a lot of things, and at almost 5'10," I think I'm a little too tall to be a pixie.

When I was younger I would have given anything to be one of those MPDGs, and maybe even in my early days post-divorce. But there's something about raising kids, forging a career and having to fend for yourself in the world that makes that kind of impossible. I've been to the circus and seen the puppet strings - I know too much to be a MPDG.

Now that I know what it was that I was up against all those years ago I feel a little relieved. I know that I was never built to be a MPDG. And now that I'm well past MPDG age I can finally appreciate that fact. It's just too bad it took me so long to get it.

Why Can't Powerful Men Use Their Super Powers To Keep Their Pants On?

2008-08-08T14:21:00.000-07:00

I was working this afternoon. All right, if I'm going to be completely honest I was e-mailing and trying to figure out what the heck to get my daughter for her birthday next week. I'm completely stymied.

Anyway... I had CNN on in the background and all of a sudden I start hearing all this chatter about John Edwards coming forward and admitting that he had an affair with a filmmaker who worked on his campaign.

You would think after living through the Monica/Gennifer/Paula Years I would be shock proof, but no, I am naive and keep coming back for one more kick to the head.

During the early stages of the primaries I liked John Edwards and his family values very much. I thought he was one of the good guys. Maybe it was the Southern accent, his boyish good looks or his lovely and smart wife, Elizabeth.

I hate that I keep getting sucked in to believing these guys are decent and who they appear to be. I'm kind of a take people at face value kind of gal. In some ways that tendency has served me well, and in others - like believing that New Coke would taste better than old Coke? Not so much.

My heart truly goes out to Elizabeth Edwards. Not only has she been dealing with the biggest betrayal a spouse can endure, she doesn't even get to do it in private.

Life isn't fair, we all know that. But this woman has lost a son, overcome cancer only to have it recur and now this. That seems beyond unfair. Yes, she may have material wealth, but whether you are wealthy or poor, you feel pain.

I truly do not understand why people cheat on their spouses, part of that naive thing perhaps. If you're unhappy, leave, but show your partner the respect they deserve by keeping everything above board and between the two of you.

I hate the fact that this will now cease to become what it really is - a hurtful event in a private relationship. Pundits will analyze and pontificate about the impact on Edward's career, the Democratic convention and the possible effect on the national election.

What will only be mentioned here and there is the pain of four innocent people who did nothing wrong other than trusting the man who was supposed to put all of them first and love them more than himself.

Maybe that's what this is all about. Power makes you think you're so special that you are above the rest of us. That you can get away with things we mere mortals can't. The thing is, those super powers have their limits and come with great responsibility.

I think maybe John Edwards just got that memo, who would have thought it would be delivered by the National Enquirer?

What Happened To Madonna's Face? I Don't Think I want a "New New Face"

2008-08-05T00:50:00.000-07:00

I forget sometimes that not everyone's life is as celebrity-centric as mine. It's a sad reality that I know way too much about what famous people are doing and wearing. And in the case of Madonna, when they've completely altered their faces.

Always the mistress of reinvention, this recent change has taken things to a whole new level for the superstar. We're not talking switching hair color or trading rubber bracelets for gold, no we're talking plastic surgery.

Madonna is about to turn 50, and she works in a youth-driven industry, so it's not surprising she would go under the knife. It was just a little shocking however to see just how much she changed her look.

In an in-depth piece in New York Magazine, author Jonathan Van Meter explores the new techniques being used by plastic surgeons to create what is been dubbed, the "New New Face."
Essentially they are talking about "re-stuffing" your aging face to bring back the fullness of youth. When you look at Madonna's new new face you can see a fullness in the cheeks that wasn't there a few months ago. In general, you can't be as thin as she is and still have fullness in your face. The piece sites one of my all-time favorite quotes, from actress Catherine Deneuve. "At a certain age, a woman has to choose between her ass and her face."

In our size-zero-obsessed world we can see the direction many women, especially celebrities have gone in, but now apparently thanks to modern science, they don't have to choose between their bottom and their face. Instead of having a healthy, rounded face (and body) you can now be grossly underweight and still have the face of a 12-year-old. Woo hoo!

Last week a photo of Madonna hit the Internet and it was frightening. It made me wonder, what ever happened to aging gracefully?

I wrote a piece for the Cape Cod Times last winter about sexism in the reporting of celebrities, and one Boston based reporter told me that in an interview, Susan Sarandon told her that one of the reasons she chose to live in New York was because she felt less pressure to be perfect.

I think of actresses like Katharine Hepburn and how beautiful she still was as she aged. There is I think, a certain dignity to aging gracefully and being proud of the life you've led. My son Ben, who bless his heart is only 24, and still has a very lovely face, makes a valid point about baby boomers and their relentless pursuit of youth. He doesn't have much good to say about the lot of us hoping to not get too wrinkled and wan. But, I see his point, how far is too far?

Does someone like Madonna have much of a choice? She's about to embark on yet another world tour and let's be honest, selling tickets isn't about who you are as a person as much as it's about how you look and what kind of show you can put on. As the line goes from "Jerry Maguire," "It's not show friends, it's show business," and she's in the business of making lots of money based largely on what she looks like.

Hopefully Madonna's face will settle in, and she'll look more normal soon. Though that's what I thought about Meg Ryan after she altered her gorgeous face. She's never looked the same.

I'm relieved that I get to sit in front of a computer and no one will really care when things start to shift a little bit. Well, that's not true, I'll care. I just hope I have the courage to resist doing anything other than maybe some really good facials and having a good attitude.

I think I'll keep my old face, it's served me pretty well, and I'd rather stick with the familiar than risk a new new face that just makes me look just a little bit desperate and mishapen. And besides, keeping my face looking youthful means I shouldn't always pass up the chance to eat ice cream, I'll pick my face over my ass any day. Even if it does mean I won't look like Madonna, I'd really rather be me. A few wrinkles and all.

On Marriage, Mores and Music

2008-08-02T05:19:00.000-07:00

At my writing group the other night we got talking about marriage, specifically about whether or not things were better, simpler back in the 1950s and 60s. This was by the way, somewhat on topic dealing with one members work in progress, but we are certainly not above digressing. I offered that if my whole life was solely about doing the laundry and making sure dinner was on the table at 6 I would go insane. As domestic as I can be, (I hate to clean but love decorating and cooking) I have to feel fulfilled creatively to be happy.

Yesterday while on my daily walk I got thinking about marriage, based on the discussion the night before. Not a small topic to ponder. Being divorced, people often ask me if I would ever get married again. My answer varies depending on how I'm feeling that day. Some days I am imbued the idea of loving someone so much that I would promise to be there for them for the rest of my life. On other days I think it is incredibly naive to think you can know today how you will feel about someone one year from now, ten years from now, heck, even the next day.

There is something incredibly... I don't know, optimistic I guess about choosing to get married. I'm not so sure I'm as optimistic about love anymore. Divorce can do that to you. You have to have faith that this person, this ONE person is the person you will always and forever love. No matter what. Of course there will be good days and bad, but you are willing to take that leap and promise "till death do you part." That's a great thought when you're in your 20s, and I believed that when I made that promise at the insanely young age of 20. But, things happen. People fall out of love, crises pull you apart and you change. What you wanted and needed at 20 isn't the same over 40. It seems the rare couple who can pull off growing together and allowing their partner to be who they need to be, even if it's a bit different than the person they married.

At this stage in my life I'm not so sure I see a reason to be married, but there is the spiritual part of me that thinks there's something very special about committing yourself to someone before those you love. But, there's another part of me, some might think an immoral part, who thinks choosing every day that this is in fact where you want to be because you choose to be, not because you have to be is appealing as well.

While on my walk this morning, as always I popped on my iPod and began selecting songs, still thinking about relationships and where I stand. While I hopped from song to song, I kept thinking about love and marriage. I started off with the Oscar winning song from the movie, "Once," "Falling Slowly." Then I admit, I clicked on the Britney's "Gimme More," hey, it's got a good beat for walking. As hiked on, listening to OMDs "If You Leave," I got thinking about how attached we get when we fall in love and then all bets are off. I readily admit that until I fall in love I am very good at being detached and rational. Once my feelings kick into high gear, well then all bets are off. I don't think that's a good thing, and it's a good reason to look before I leap.

The last song I listened to was Common's, "I Want You."

As I listened and walked to the sensual beat, and pictured the very handsome and sexy Common, I thought, who are you kidding thinking you have any control over any of this? I am the person for whom the term, "Fool for love" was coined.

I'm just not sure I'm foolish enough to take those vows one more time. I truly don't know if I could do it. A part of me really understands George Clooney's stance on saying he will never marry again. If it hasn't worked, why do it again?

I really don't know how I feel. Or would feel if it ever comes down to that. Ultimately I guess it will depend on who's doing the asking.

I Think I Need To Break Up With My TV Boyfriend

2008-07-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

I have four stories and/or columns due to the paper this week. I filed one this morning, and now I have to start on the next one, so you know what that means? Yes! Procrastination!

Hey, it's not my fault that iVillage is constantly e-mailing me totally awesome quizzes to take. Today it was: "Who's Your TV Boyfriend?"

I answered the questions, things like: "Does your ideal guy drink: beer, fine wine, whisky or hypnotiq." Hmmm, I couldn't help but notice the lack of non-alcoholic choices, so I'm thinking maybe my dreamy dude might have a little, you know, problem? So we may be looking at some rehab or at the very least some Al-Anon meetings for me in the future.

Further down the list "It's most important that your TV dream dude: "Gets You, Lusts after you, makes you feel safe, cracks you up." Duh! My dream guy would do all of the above. I think he will also have to come with his own cape. This may explain why it's so hard to find dates.

So after spending ten minutes or so taking the quiz I ended up being paired with someone I never would have considered - McDreamy himself, Dr. Derek Sheperd. I don't know, I so don't see that happening. Hey, I'm sure he doesn't either. It just seems so cliche, every woman seems to think he's dreamy. Me? Not so much.

Thinking I really didn't want to write about preparing kids for college just yet, I decided to take the quiz one more time - changing my answers to see who I'd get. This time it was a lot more in the right direction with Jim Halpert, (John Krasinski) from "The Office." He'd be a great pick if I could ever get past the reality that he's a year younger than my oldest son. Yeah, I'm so not Demi Moore in that area. Or any other one I can think of. That said, I have still, what could be considered an inappropriate crush on Lloyd Dobler. ("Say Anything"). In many ways, Lloyd has spoiled me for any other guy. Overly verbal, intense, funny and painfully emotional, if he wasn't forever 19-years-old he'd be perfect.

So apparently it's back to work for me. Unless of course a new quiz finds its way into my inbox. I always meet my deadlines, but it's sometimes a curvy road to that destination.

Hey Hey Hey - It's Cosby. Another not-so-close brush with greatness

2008-07-27T04:43:00.000-07:00

One of the perks of my job is that once in a while I get to go to things for free. Yesterday was one of those rare moments where I got to do something that was fun, and I didn't have to pay for it.

On the Cape one of the most popular venues for entertainment in the summer is the Cape Cod Melody Tent in Hyannis. Every year they attract a wide assortment of entertainment. For instance: Tony Bennett, Ani DiFranco, Gretchen Wilson, and yesterday, Bill Cosby.

There are good things and not so good things about this place - the worst being on a hot day, like it was yesterday, you feel like a baked potato wrapped in foil in an oven. A really hot oven.

Before the show my friend Betty and I grabbed some ice cold bottled water (I promise the bottle will end up in my recycle bin) and chilled out (well, as chill as it could be at 83 degrees) in a tent set up for the media folks who had generously been offered tickets. I think there were seven of us, not exactly a huge crowd. There were a few platters of fruit, sushi and cheese that I stealthily avoided thinking raw fish and cheese don't exactly thrive in heat while listeria does.

The best part of the pre-show show was spending time with my friend Bill's dad, a charming guy who had one fun story after another to share with us. I seriously found what he was telling us more interesting than a lot of what Cosby later went on to share. I realized as I listened to him talk about what Providence, RI was like in 1939, how easy it is to not think the stories your own parents tell you are as interesting as someone fresh to the scene does. My mom grew up in that same era and she's told me about college years in Boston during the blackouts and rationing of World War II, and think I need to pay more attention.

After spending time with Bill and Ed we found our way to our sticky seats and fanned ourselves furiously.

When Bill Cosby took to the stage it was a little surreal and kind of helped me to forget that I was frying. I've watched this man my whole life, listened to his records and raised my kids watching "The Cosby Show." He is truly an icon. His ease on stage, in sweatpants and a T-shirt (and Crocs as Bill pointed out in this review today - he obviously had a better seat than me, I couldn't see the shoes) was remarkable, something that can only be honed after years and years of performing.

What really touched my heart was placed on the back of the folding chair he sat in, moved about and straddled at times, was a sweatshirt that said in rainbow colored letters, "Hello Friend." I knew the phrase from when Cosby's only son, Ennis was killed in 1997 at 28-years-old. It was something Ennis said upon greeting people, and his family started the Hello Friend foundation to continue the work Ennis hoped to do as a special education teacher. As a mom it really got me. And when he mentioned Ennis in a bit about kids leaving their stuff at your house, I thought I cannot imagine what that loss feels like and I hope I never do.

I can't say I was blown away by the comedy. I found some of the stories long and a little tedious, but I am so glad I went and got to spend time with two great men of a certain age. They have a lot to teach us. And the good news is you don't have to be a TV star to make an impact, all you have to do is be who you are. Sometimes the person sharing is a celebrity, but more often than not it's just a really nice guy with bright blue eyes who makes you laugh.

Top Five Things Celebrities Shouldn't Do When They Date Each Other

2008-07-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

I e-mailed my editor and friend, Bill O'Neill, this video because I sort of couldn't believe it and needed someone else to share it. He wrote me back and and said that celebrities should never star in a boyfriend or girlfriend's music video because it will last forever while the relationship probably won't. It got me thinking that there are a few things celebrities shouldn't do since their relationships seem to last about as long as a pesky virus.

So here are my all time top five don'ts for celebrities who insist on dating each other:

1. Don't do an interview together with Barbara Walters. Years later when you're married to other people you have to see tape of you cooking together, taking walks and talking about your future, which was over about as soon as the film crew was on it's way back to L. A. Case in point: Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.

2. Don't make movies together. Your judgement is clouded when you're crazy in love. Again, look to Beniffer 1 - "Gigli" and "Jersey Girl" two for two on the sucking, almost career ending scale of bad movies.

3. As mentioned earlier, don't star in a music video. Especially one where you're rubbing lotion on the performer's butt. Ooops, you're three for three Ben and Jen! It should be interesting explaining you undoing Jennifer Lopez's bikini to little Violet, Ben, your daughter with Jennifer Garner.

4. Tattoos. Just think "Winona Forever" becoming "Wino Forever," Johnny Depp's clever switcheroo on his arm. Especially don't get wedding rings tattooed. You can't ever take them off, nor can you dramatically throw them away, not that I would know anything about this.

5. Don't agree to star in a reality show to show how great your relationship is. If you do, have it put it in your contract that the network or cable outlet pays for the divorce because it's almost guaranteed you won't survive.

I think the best thing is for there to be just one celeb in a relationship to keep it balanced and sane. The math you'd need to do to factor in the space needed for two huge celebrity egos is beyond my capabilities (which, granted isn't saying much). Just as China has their one child law, I think there should be a one star law.

All right, there's one exception:Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman. But I'm betting there's not one tattoo on either one of them.

Mingling With the Tourists

2008-07-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

All right, so you all know from the name of this blog that I live on Cape Cod.

No, I do not live in a lighthouse, nor do I comb my hair with cod fish bones or whatever that song says. In many ways life on Cape Cod is quite suburban.

My son Ben says that he thinks the Cape is bipolar: busy and full of life all summer, long, dark and depressed in the winter. I don't think I'd go that far, well, maybe by February into March I would. It can get pretty dicey here right about then. There have been times that spring still hasn't arrived at the end of April and I think there is no way I can handle one more gray day. Then, June comes, the sun comes back, and so do the summer people.

It's not always easy to live someplace that swells with people and humidity for several weeks of the year. Going to mail a letter or pick up some burger for dinner becomes a crowd and car dodging experience that makes one want to just hibernate. Yesterday on my way to church a man was behind me who had honked his horn at the driver in front of him at my town's one four corner stop, and once behind me he honked when I didn't dart out in front of oncoming cars quite quickly enough for him. Apparently I was supposed to risk life and limb so he could go get his coffee ASAP. I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw the license plate on the car in back of me. New York. I wondered what this guy was like when he wasn't on vacation, he seemed so relaxed now.

Today my friend Judy wanted to go have coffee "in town" and it became clear to me why it's so much easier to spend my days (especially the cloudy ones when THEY aren't at the beach) safely ensconced in front of my computer working at home.

We went to the most popular coffee place, a place I am ambivalent about in some ways because of their dedication to shooing teens away, but it's one of the very few places to go in town where you can hang out and talk over a cup of coffee.

At 11 on a cloudy morning in July, the place was jammed with summer people. When you live in a vacation destination you get to know (mostly) on sight who's a local and who's not. The guy in the pink shorts with embroidered fish bones on them? Um, thinking he's not local. There are some obvious clues of course: fanny packs, maps, Cape Cod anything - t-shirt, sweatshirt, visor (visors are a big giveaway), and a passel of kids clamoring for frozen hot chocolate and ice cream.

Judy and I finally got a table after standing for about five minutes, and managed, through raised voices to catch up above the clamour. About thirty minutes in however this very assertive woman came over and asked us if she and her "very nice" friend could share our table. This is New England, we're not used to sharing our space. Not graciously anyway. But share we did. I told Judy, after we'd departed that it would have been a lot more fun if it had been a very handsome man who wanted to join us.

It really wasn't so bad out there in the land of tourists on this overcast day. We did some shopping and most folks were pretty cordial. Traffic was heavy, and people tended to turn or stop without warning, but all in all it wasn't too terrible. You just have to learn to navigate around them and time your missions. For instance - never, ever under any circumstances try to go to a movie on a rainy day. You'll stand in line forever, the theater will be so crowded that you'll be jammed into a seat next to someone with a predilection for rustling candy wrappers and munching loudly on stale popcorn. We locals only take in matinees when it's gloriously sunny outdoors.

For all my whining about living here, it is home. The people who live here are creative and quite interesting. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes...not so much. But I love living in a place where it's fine to be gay, it's fine to be an artist, it's fine to just be yourself. You just have to make sure that you know the rules of the road, and realize that from mid-June until Labor Day, most of the other people don't.

A Day (Well, night) In My Big Fat Life: Part 2

2008-07-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

After writing a story about Anthony Michael Hall's family, I was invited to see his mother, jazz singer, Mercedes Hall perform last night at the Wequassett Inn in Harwich, MA.

I looked forward to going because Michael Hall (who've I've interviewed on the phone twice but never met) was going to be there. Peter, my date, was really excited about meeting him, being a big "Breakfast Club" fan and all. All right, I lie - I was the really excited one. He kept insisting that Hall had been in "Rambo" (just to drive me crazy) and that he was going to ask him all about it.

I'd been told there would a table being held for us, so I confidently approached the maitre d', told him my name, and that I was with the Cape Cod Times. He looked down at a book which I am convinced didn't have my name in it, and said, "We have no table, but we do have a couch." Peter and I looked at each other and tried not to laugh. I didn't think this sounded good, but thought, maybe it was a totally awesome couch right by the stage! Hope was not initially all lost, there was still a chance it would be an incredible spot to watch the show from.

Well, my hopes were dashed as we were led far from the stage to the back of the venue. Before us was a wicker couch, in front of which were tall bar tables with equally tall stools. We sat down on the couch and burst out laughing. Truly, we had the worst, albeit pretty comfy seats in the house.

When the lights went down and Mercedes took to the stage we basically saw the top of her lovely red hair. Once in a while Peter would, in a mock yell, while pointing at me say, "Mercedes! It's Candy! She's here, on the couch!" And then sometimes, after a song he would whistle and clap, saying he was, "Representing the couch!"

The evening got better with a waiter we could barely understand, but whose name Peter insisted was Hussein, but I'm not so sure. He was certain we were a big disappointment to Hussein since we weren't throwing back the cocktails and eating up a storm. He always looked so sad when we would give him a thumbs up - the universal sign for, "Everything is A-Okay!"

Before intermission - when I planned to make a bee-line for the Hall family table to say hello, I excused myself to go to the restroom - where I promptly locked myself in the bathroom stall. I couldn't stop laughing. It just seemed like such a perfect thing to happen on this extremely A-List night I was having. I did eventually jiggle the handle in a very aggressive fashion and opened it, thereby avoiding the germ-covered crawl under the stall in my skirt and heels.

When the lights came up I knew we needed to get to Michael before the throngs (lots of young girls!) descended on Michael. I told Peter, "Thundercats are go!" and jumped to my feet. Well, again I lie. In retrospect I thought how much cooler it would have been if I'd said that rather than, "Okay, we better get over there fast!"

We got to the table after transversing a maze of tables and people, and I finally got to meet Michael and his beautiful girlfriend who, even though I'm almost 5'10", made me feel like a Munchin (little person, not donut hole).

Mission accomplished, we headed back to our couch in the Siberian section of tent, but Peter suggested, since I'd met Mercedes a few times we try to find her and say hi. We did find her and her husband Tom insisted we go meet Michael - again. So, we got to re-meet Anthony Michael Hall, and I hoped he didn't think I was stalking him. Actually I had a lovely conversation with him about his upcoming directorial debut while Peter talked to Tom about I do not know. Couches perhaps?

By the second set we were back on our couch. We stayed for a little bit, but decided we should go since we were getting too silly after night on the couch. We didn't to disturb anyone else.

So I gathered my things and we worked our way out of exile toward the exit. We passed Hussein on the way and Peter gave him a tip. I think we'd bonded with him, we'd been through lot together.

I know there's no way they would have put Maureen Dowd or Anna Quindlen on the couch, but that's okay. We C-List people are happy to sit together. Even if it is on a wicker couch.

Life's Curve Balls Hurt!

2008-07-12T10:42:00.000-07:00

This week has been a tough one, hence the lack of blog posts.

I went to the doctor with my 83-year-old mom on Monday, couldn't stand her doctor (words like condescending and patronizing along with some other not-so-nice ones jumped to my mind).

We left with a new prescription and lots of bad feelings.

On Wednesday, she took the first pill of this new prescription, and hours later her blood pressure plummeted. She called me, barely able to breathe and dizzy. I called 911 and thankfully, my dear pal Mary Lou supported me through some worrisome hours in the ER. Thank you Mary Lou :)

Being a humor writer I kept trying to find things to laugh about within all this scariness just to save my sanity. I am the first to admit that within my skill set (supportive friend, nurturer, cookie baker, writer and a few more decent skills) handling medical emergencies is not my strong suit. It's more like my weak suit. That said, having raised three kids I've seen my share of blood and puke, and all of them made it to adulthood.

Trying to make my mom laugh a little and calm her down, I told her that if she was going to have me accompany her to a place that had a plethora of very cute men, she could have chosen a day I wasn't on deadline and doing my weekly radio appearance without ever taking the time to hop in the shower and pull myself together. So there I sat - in my tank top and workout pants, flip flops (complete with a bloodied toe I'd ripped open jumping over a rose bush in the front of my mom's house when I met the ambulance), dirty hair and no make-up. Seriously, I had no idea how many cute men were in and out of emergency rooms - ER doctors, male nurses, EMTs and paramedics...they were everywhere. And there I sat looking like something rolled across the floor and plopped in a chair.

My mom was released and came home to stay with me. I was up and down all night checking on her, and she was much improved as this medication got out of her system and her vitals came back to a more normal level.

There's a saying, "Old age isn't for sissies," and watching what my mom has gone through over the last few months I can vouch for it's validity.

We have a way to go in getting her back on her feet, but thankfully my wonderful big brother arrived within a day of the ER visit and we've made a good team getting everything in place. I don't know how only children do it. I'm the one who lives nearby so the day to day falls more to me, but I know I've got spectacular back up and he's been great. We've gotten a new (wonderful) doctor and are all feeling much more positive.

My mom is a survivor. If anyone can snap back, she can. Up until a few weeks ago she was going to yoga, playing what she calls, "conversational" tennis, and was very independent. She raised my brother and I alone and she's always done an amazing job of taking care of everything herself. She's always been a great role model.

We don't ever know what's going to come at us in a given week, do we? I just pray that I always have faith, can be strong, keep my sense of humor, and make sure I've showered!

Being Single Isn't Always A Bad Thing

2008-07-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

As the designated single woman in my circle of friends, I am often subjected to ideas of where I should meet men, and am told about people they could perhaps set me up with. The fact that I am still single should tell you that none of them have exactly hit the mark.

It's always fun for me when people who have been married for 20 years or so give me advice about my single status. Like me before my divorce, their last dates were many presidential administrations ago, and well, things have changed a little bit since the 80s - believe it or not!

I decided to write this particular post because I was e-mailing with a friend who is also a writer ( and well, there's nothing like the fun exchange from writers looking to write anything but their books). Years ago she had asked her husband if he knew of anyone single who they might fix me up with (truly, at times like that I could not feel more pathetic) and he mentioned one guy. But there was a proviso: he had been arrested on rape charges, but they didn't know if the charges were going to stick. Score! Yes, alleged rapists are what my friends are choosing for me. Thank you VERY much folks.

When I mentioned to this same friend today that I'd recently stopped seeing someone she mentioned she had someone new in mind - her sexually ambiguous next door neighbor who seems to be having some financial problems since his house has gone unfinished for two years. Truly, how can I resist the draw of the might-be-gay broke guy? Of course she was saying all of this with her tongue firmly planted in her cheek, but I had to just laugh out loud that this is what life has come to: a guy awaiting trial, and a guy, well, maybe awaiting a guy.

The late mother of a friend of mine told me once, "Better to be alone than wish you were alone," and I've never forgotten that. We all know just because someone is lying next to you in that queen sized bed doesn't mean you're happy or content. I'd rather have the courage to be single and stand on my own two feet than just be with someone so I'm not alone. I want that zsa zsa zsu, and I'm willing to hold out for it. Sorry potentially gay guy.

Ann Leary - No Need to "Rescue" This Author

2008-07-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

As part of my summer of getting the chance to interview very fun and interesting people for the paper I write for, I have had the wonderful opportunity to interview a writer whose book I loved, Ann Leary.

Being the spouse of a big-time TV star isn’t always easy, but both in real life and in fiction, author Ann Leary knows that role well.

See, Ann Leary is the wife of “Rescue Me” star, Denis Leary. She's walked red carpets and has been right by her husband’s side as he’s risen from struggling Boston comic to bona fide star of movies and television. It’s not surprising that she would choose to explore this topic in her first novel, “Outtakes From A Marriage.”

Ann was an absolute delight to talk to, and since I interviewed her I've gotten hooked on her blog at her Web site.

The Leary's lead an interesting life. Denis is busy starring in his FX series, Ann is already hard at work on her next novel, they've got two teens, and live on a small farm in Connecticut.

"Outtakes From A Marriage" is a very funny, touching story where while the protagonists are indeed in an exceptional situation -stardom of one spouse - the nuts and bolts of being in a long-term marriage ring true whether you're married to a landscaper, writer or yes, a big-time TV and movie star. Due to her vantage point, Ann Leary is in the position to show those of us on the outside of the world of celebrity a world few of us will ever know. And it's a very fun look indeed!

I wrote about my friend, author Claire Cook the other day, and made it clear as an aspiring novelist that I love the chance to pick the brains of those already living that dream of mine. I find talking to writers like Ann Leary inspiring. She is the first to admit that yes, being married to Denis allowed her to get on national talk shows to talk about her book and get a lot of press, but what she didn't say to me, but I will, is that it doesn't matter who you're married to if your book isn't good, and hers is. Also, being married to a celebrity doesn't matter one little bit when it comes to sitting yourself down every single day in front of that computer and slogging away to write that book, something I know first hand that takes a hell of a lot of discipline. It reminds me of Oprah saying, yes, she can hire a trainer and a cook, but it's her ass on that treadmill every morning at 6. No one can do it for you, you have to do it yourself.

I look forward to Ann's next book, one that she says is a complete departure from this one. She has a great career ahead of her, and I can't wait to cozy up with the next book for a very fun ride.

A Day In My Big Fat Life

2008-06-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

I lead what I consider to be a fairly small, not terribly interesting life with moments here and there of excitement.

Today has been a prime example of just how strange a day in the life of a freelance writer can be.

I started off my day deciding that since my dump sticker expires today that I would gather up all my trash and recyclables and head to the dump, rather, "Transfer Station."

I did a quick sweep of the fridge and discovered in the back some leftover fish dish my daughter had made a week ago. Yum!

I dumped it into the garbage bag (I know I should compost), threw it and several others along with my bins of glass, papers and cans into the back of my car, and headed to the dump, a five minute or so drive.

By the time I got there the fish juice had leaked all over the back of my Subaru causing my car to now smell like the bay at low tide. No, worse. The bay at low tide while a septic system next door overflows. To the best of my ability, with Kleenex and and some lemon scented Wet Ones I tried to sop up the smelly mess. I took care of the trash and tried to get the fishy smell off my hands for the drive home.

I had to hurry doing all this because I had to be here and ready to interview actor/producer Anthony Michael Hall at 10:00 for an upcoming story for the paper. He's in the new "Batman" movie.

As I scrubbed and scrubbed to try to rid my hands of this odor, and cleaned the back of my car, the absolute dichotomy of my life could not have been clearer: I am on one hand this single mom who does things like get covered with stinky fish juice, gets poison ivy mowing my lawn, and cleans up cat vomit, and on the other, I get to laugh and joke with people like Michael Hall. It just doesn't seem to add up.

I always pictured women who wrote about and interviewed celebrities looking like Hedda Hopper, pictured above. Now does she look like a woman who would haul trash? I don't think so!

I have interviewed lots of famous people and have never done it wearing pearls or a jaunty hat. I know times have changed since Hedda Hopper and Louella Parsons dished about celebrities, but my life is so far from theirs it just doesn't seem right, so I came up with some rules for how I can be more like the columnists of yore:

1.Don't try to sandwich in a gross task before a big interview. This includes cleaning drains, ovens or cat boxes.

2. Dress the part. No longer will I wear pajamas or workout clothes while I do phone interviews with celebrities. I will put on a cute dress and heels. Well, maybe the dress, the heels just get kicked off anyway.

3. I will not multitask and while a celebrity hems and haws pay my cable bill online. Hedda Hopper probably didn't pay bills at all. She had "people" who did that for her.

4. I will not drink luke-warm tea from my Bank of America travel mug while doing interviews. Only china tea cups for me.

5. Since I don't wear fur I will have my cat lie across my shoulders (this will come in handy come winter when I cannot afford the $4 a gallon heating oil) so I look fancy. This will work until he bites my head. Don't ask how I know this.

My interview ended up going very well. Michael and his entire family are all lovely people, and I enjoy them very much. I've interviewed his mom, sister and dad and think the world of them. It was a lot of fun.

But, now the fun is over and I have to go figure out what that thing my cat left under the dining room table is. I'm hoping it's only a fur ball. Believe me, I've seen worse.

Writers Are My Favorite!

2008-06-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

I adore the movie "Elf" which I've written about before, and one of the best parts for us is the "Smiling's my favorite!" line. We use it for everything, "Chocolate's my favorite!" "Coffee is my favorite!" Well, you get the point.

As a writer it's no surprise that writers would be amongst my favorite people in the world. I've been lucky in my time as a professional writer by how many writers have been so kind and generous (no, you don't have to start humming the Natalie Merchant song here) to me.

One of the most supportive for many years now has been a woman I am proud to call a friend, author Claire Cook.

I met Claire several years ago after interviewing her for a story and then studying with her at the Cape Cod Writer's Center. I always found her to be not only incredibly enthusiastic and hardworking, but amazingly generous as well.

Claire has always encouraged me whether it's through writing for magazines or getting my novel out there to just keep going. Her support has meant so much to me, and has helped me keep plugging away when I didn't really want to.

Claire has published five books: "Ready to Fall," "Must Love Dogs," "Multiple Choice," "Life's a Beach," and the newest: "Summer Blowout."

Her work ethic and total appreciation for her success is something I try to always remember. Even when I don't feel like writing I know I won't get anywhere if I don't.

When I studied with Claire a few things in particular really stuck with me:

1. Write every day. She commits to at least 2 pages a day.

2. "This may be the story you want to tell, but is it the story anyone wants to buy," she said one day. It's a good reminder that publishing is a BUSINESS!

3. Always send thank you notes - even when you get turned down, because...

4. "Karma is a boomerang!" Whatever you do will come back at you - so always put good thoughts and deeds out there.

"I know how easy it is for this to not happen," she has said to me more than once. And she's right. I live in a world of writers. We all want the book deals and the movies made from our books, but it doesn't just happen, a lot of hard work goes into each page.

So, I just wanted a chance to say thank you Claire. Even when you're crazy-busy writing and promoting your book you take the time to ask me if I've heard from an agent or tell me about a contact who might help me. You will never know how grateful I am for your "pay it forward" attitude. You so deserve every success you've earned.

I'm Not Sure Anyone's F***ing Matt Damon Anymore

2008-06-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

What the heck happened to "Sexiest Man Alive" Matt Damon? You give a guy an award for being hot, and he just lets himself go.

Apparently Matt put on some weight for a movie role, and he's not looking quite the same way he did in the "Bourne" movies.

As I'm sure most of you will remember, last year Sarah Silverman surprised her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel with a very special video about how she was "F***ing Matt Damon."

I'm thinking if Matt doesn't adios the weight he will never be able to compete with his buddies, Clooney and Pitt for multiple awards.

In case you didn't get to see the original video, or if it's been a while and you just need a review, enjoy.

I guess one good thing is he doesn't look like the scary anorexic he did in "The Talented Mr. Ripley." But right now he's looking a little bit too much like the guys I see when I'm going about my everyday life in my small town, and believe me, that's not good.

What I've Learned From "The Bachelorette"

2008-06-26T05:37:00.000-07:00

All right, so this is Graham - don't know his last name. Up until this week he was the guy that "Bachelorette" DeAnna Pappas was really falling for.

But... there were problems.

See, Graham is one of those "emotionally unavailable" guys. This is fancy code for: he will never be what you want him to be. He won't be able to really open up or be present.

And for me, and many women, that's like catnip.

DeAnna has several other guys to choose from, guys who are showing up and letting her know how they feel. But it was Graham she really liked.

On a trip to his hometown he initially was effusive and outgoing. He was open and so happy to see her. As the day went on he shut down and wouldn't talk to her about what he was feeling. She was understandably disappointed, and his mother telling her he never dated anyone longer than four weeks, and that he was a loner sure didn't help.

So, when it came time for the dreaded rose ceremony she decided to let Graham go and kept Jesse, Jeremy and Jason.

As she tearfully walked him out and said goodbye I thought about how I, and many other women I'm sure would have thought, "I can fix this!" And that's when I stopped in my tracks and thought, for someone on a reality show that DeAnna is very smart: she didn't let her feelings override her common sense. Something many of us don't do.

I've been reading a lot about George Clooney's break up with Sarah Larson and have been amazed at how stunned so many women writing these blogs are. Hello! The man says he NEVER wants to marry - how clear is that?! But we don't listen! Many think - "I can change him!"

As Graham sat there, welling up as he was being sent home, I did wonder if he got it at all. He could have gotten the girl if he'd been able to be present and actually let her in. But he couldn't do it, so he's gone.

DeAnna was a smart cookie. She saw the handwriting on the wall and saw this guy was who he was, and wasn't blinded by feelings. No amount of trying to change someone will EVER change them. People are who they are.

I never thought I'd learn anything from trashy reality TV, but that night I did: just because you find someone attractive and have all these feelings about them, you can't ignore what they are showing you. It reminded me of my favorite quote from the wonderful Maya Angelou:

"When people show you who they are, believe them."

Letting Go is Very Hard to Do

2008-06-22T04:45:00.001-07:00

I have never been good at letting go of my kids. I was always the mom at the nursery school or bus stop holding back the tears - often quite unsuccessfully.

My problem is I not only love my children, I really, really like them. They are my favorite people to be with.

Today my daughter leaves for a new job that will take her 3000 miles away from home and I'm not thrilled about that, thank you very much.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that she's done so well, and proud beyond belief in all she's accomplished. I just wish she could rule the world from her bedroom at home. Impossible wants have always been an issue for me.

My ex-husband and I adopted her from Korea when she was three years old. She has always, from day one been an amazing girl. I can well imagine if you've been uprooted from everything and anyone who looks familiar you get pretty good at adapting.

I was thinking yesterday as she and I hustled around getting things done, that when my children are around life has more color. Everything feels brighter and happier. Some of it may be that my kids are all incredibly funny, but they all have an amazing light that makes life better just being with them.

My daughter is more than my daughter, she's my best pal. Not in any icky let's-get-drunk-together-way (I don't even drink alcohol, so our sharing would more likely involve sugar) But she is my favorite person to shop with, to see movies with, and get sillier than I ever do with anyone else with.

Thanks to her I can never hear something like, "I'll be in and out real quick," without thinking, "That's what she said."

She does not like it when I wax emotional, hence this post which she may or may not read. But I wanted to tell her, and the world, that no mother could be more proud of her daughter than I am of her. No matter where she was born, she was meant to be my daughter. People look at us and do a double take sometimes, but I know she could not be any more my daughter if I'd given birth to her. She is truly one of the biggest gifts I've ever gotten in my life. She would argue that she's a bigger gift than her two brothers, but as mom, I say they are ALL equal in my heart. But she has the sparkly, Hello Kitty filled spot.

I know I am going to shed my share of tears (and many other's share as well - I am a weeper) as I adjust to her being in a different time zone. I'm consoling myself that she's not going to Beijing where she spent five months last year, but it's still hard.

My house will not feel as happy or light without her bouncing around, but it is time for her to go find her way as a young adult.

I just want to tell her, and proclaim it to the world, that I love you, Em, and no matter how far away you are, you are always close. You can't get rid of me that easily. It will take more than miles and airplanes to separate us because I love you more than anything in the world.

This is very hard.

That's what she said.
Mommy xoxoxo

"Juno": You Got a Lot of Explaining to Do

2008-06-21T05:32:00.000-07:00

There was an incredibly troubling story in Time magazine this week about a supposed pact made amongst a group of Gloucester, MA high school sophomore girls to all get pregnant and raise their babies together.

I'll be honest, I was a big fan of the movie, "Juno," but I had no idea of the possible impact it might have on teens. Combine this with an entertainment industry that embraces unmarried celebrities having babies and raves about "baby bumps" all the time, and well, you've got girls thinking this looks pretty darn fun.

For any of us who are mothers, we know that having a baby isn't always fun, and is not something that your typical 15 or 16-year-old is anywhere near ready to undertake.

In my mind this is such a tragedy because obviously these girls didn't feel the limitless options for their lives that girls that age should feel.

I wrote a few weeks ago about my daughter graduating from Wellesley College. When I heard about these girls from Gloucester I wondered what separates these young women from the ones I know who just graduated with my daughter: Women who are going off to law school, to teach in China, to vet school, or like my own daughter, a big job in corporate America. Almost none of these young women I met come from wealthy families, we all sacrificed, took out loans and prayed every summer for good financial aid packages to help us get our daughters through this pricey college.

Maybe it's that by doing those things we showed our daughters we believed in them and their futures, and that reinforced their belief in themselves. That combined with the message they got every day at this famed women's college taught them that as wonderful as marriage and children can be, they are complete all on their own. In a school that is run by women they learned there are no limits to what they can do.

I am very happy with where I am in my life, but I wanted more for my daughter. I do not live with regret, but after getting married at 20, having my first child at 21, and divorcing at 40, I wanted something different for her. I now see the danger in banking your security and future on another person because there is no relationship safe enough or secure enough to ensure your future. You need to count on yourself, and have the education and skills with which to do that. Don't get me wrong, I would not trade my three kids for a corner office anywhere, but I want my daughter to not struggle in her 40s to pull a career together out of thin air after being a stay-at-home mom for 20 years.

It makes me very sad that so many girls seem to think all they're are capable of is having sex and getting pregnant. I believe in making sure birth control is available to girls who are determined to have sex, but along with that I think we should be offering ways to increase the self-esteem of teens in our country so they don't think the only way to be loved and feel good about themselves is to make babies.

They may look at famous teens like Jamie Lynn Spears and think having a baby looks SO fun. What they don't see is a future where most likely the relationship she is in will end, her mother will end up doing a lot of the parenting and that unlike them, the family has millions of dollars at their disposal to support her. These girls from Gloucester will probably never be able to attend college now, and they will spend their lives struggling. Teens don't have brains that are full formed enough to see into the future and make mature decisions. As parents we need to be there to guide, and help girls especially to see their value. A value beyond getting a boy to want them, and making babies.

"Girl power" is more than the battle cry of the Spice Girls, it's something we need to instill in the young women in this country, if we don't we're all going to suffer, especially those children they are no where near ready to raise.

So Hollywood? How about instead of the plethora of films glamorizing getting "Knocked Up" you start making movies that show girls all the things they can be and do. It's the least you can do for the future of our youth,don't you think?

Michelle Obama Is a Wife and Mother, Not a "Baby Mama"

2008-06-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

I am not just a huge fan and supporter of Barack Obama, I am also a big fan of his wife, Michelle.

I'm scared for her though. I know the GOP hate machine is getting geared up and she is going to be in for a hell of a battle.

Yesterday, Bonnie Fuller in the Huffington Post wrote a great essay about just what she will be in for during this election process, and it isn't pretty.

Already we're seeing racist buttons and products, like a sock monkey named after the first African American presidential almost-nominee.

I found it extremely shocking when I heard (on Fox News of course) that Michelle Obama was referred to as Barack's "baby mama." Have you EVER heard that term used for a Caucasian candidate's spouse? Cindy McCain may have been called worse by her husband, but not by the media.

The icing on the cake had to be when the couple did an affectionate fist pound upon his becoming the presumptive Democratic nominee.

I like to think that the media and the GOP will take the high road, but that would be too much to ask. The GOP has already hired the same person who did the famed "Willie Horton" commercials that derailed Michael Dukakis' presidential campaign back in the 1980s, so I expect that we will see lots of mud slinging.

That means it's up to us to see through the rhetoric and find the truth amongst the lies. I just hope that we're all wise enough to see what's true and toss aside the rest.

I Think I May Have a Problem (only one you ask?)

2008-06-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

I was tooling around the Internet last night and came across a story from Wired about how the bible of the psychiatric profession, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, is pondering adding Internet Addiction to their list of various diagnoses.

Upon reading this I had to e-mail my dear friend Laurie, and all I wrote to her was "Uh oh, we're in trouble!"

She and I often joke about how if we're away from home and can't check our e-mail how itchy we get. I did not however realize that my jonesing for my e-mail and Internet access was cause for concern and might eventually lead me to a life of 12 Step Meetings and making amends to those injured by my Internet Addiction.

I did a little research and found I do meet some of the protocols for an addiction: I was justifying my addiction this morning by telling my son I HAVE to be on the Internet for work and research. I sometimes sneak to the computer while my kids are waiting for me to leave just to see if any new e-mails had come in before I leave. When I go away I bring a laptop in case I find some WiFi along the way.

I like to think as addictions go, I'm pretty lucky if this is my only one. That said, I'm sure there are people who are seriously in a bad way because of their time spent on the Internet. For folks who view porn for hours, or avoid interacting in the real world or with their families to instead stay cloistered alone with a computer, it's not good. But for folks like me and my friend Laurie, we're very much present in the real world and don't let ourselves get too swept up in an online world.

If however you're spending more time with your friends on Facebook or MySpace than you are with your flesh and blood friends, maybe it's time to reevaluate your lifestyle.

In the meantime I am going to go online to see if there are any Internet Antonymous meetings near me, just in case I see myself slipping into a bad place. Hmmm... I wonder if that's against the rules? If I can't go online how will I ever find out where to go for help with my Internet Addiction? This is becoming way too complicated. I am just going to admit I am powerless to the draw of the Internet and suffer the consequences. After all, I have to find out if there's any truth to the rumors that George Clooney was dating someone else before he broke up with Sarah Larson!

Go get'em, Tim

2008-06-14T04:20:00.000-07:00

I was out running around all afternoon yesterday and wasn't in front of my computer or a TV when news of the death of Tim Russert was released. When I got home I opened up my e-mail and there was a news alert from the Boston Globe:"Tim Russert Dead of a Heart Attack at 58."

I audibly gasped when I read that and immediately turned on MSNBC to see what was happening.

My daughter, Emma hasn't really watched TV during her college years, so she wasn't well acquainted with the venerable newsman, but I was, and I sat there, misty eyed and choked up, shocked that someone I watched all the time was gone. Just suddenly gone.

I've become quite cynical about the media in the last several years. This may seem disingenuous coming from someone who makes their living writing for newspapers and magazines, but being a features writer is far different than being an investigative reporter. My job is to amuse and entertain, theirs is to inform and question the status quo. Somewhere along the line the line between entertainment and news became blurred and news started mirroring entertainment a bit too closely. When Britney Spears' meltdowns are lead stories on the evening news, something very Alice-In-Wonderland is happening.

Tim Russert was one of the few standard bearers around. He was a man of incredible integrity. He asked the tough questions, but he was also a gentleman and kind.

I always respected his thoughts on political issues, and was inspired by his passion for what he did. He made white boards and delegate counts exciting for goodness sakes!

But more than all the career accolades I admired his commitment to his family. As I've sat here choked up listening to Matt Laurer, Tom Browkaw and Mike Barnicle talk about him, I've tried to figure out why I am so sad about someone I didn't even know. I have two thoughts. One, when you watch someone on TV all the time they become a part of your world. No, you don't know them personally, but Tim Russert was someone who let you see who he was, not common amongst news people.

Secondly, he was a man who seemed unparalleled in his devotion to his family. He wrote two books about his dad, "Big Russ and Me: Father and Son:Lessons of Life," and "Wisdom of Our Fathers: Letters From Daughters and Sons."

It's seems doubly cruel that this man who adored his father and his son would pass away on Father's Day weekend. As a woman who grew up fatherless, I have always sort of collected father figures in my life, often fantasizing about the type of dad I wished I'd had. My father, long absent from my life, died last December, and many times I would hear Tim Russert wax so happily about his son and thought, how lucky is that young man to be so adored? I am equally passionate about my children, but it seems so rare to hear about a dad who is so besotted with their children, I found that so refreshing and delightful.

This upcoming election is going to be missing a very important voice. I counted on Tim Russert to ask the questions I wanted answered, and to ask the ones I never would have thought of.

I cannot imagine the ache his wife Maureen Orth, a writer at Vanity Fair, and his son Luke, who just graduated from Boston College are feeling today. My daughter is the same age as Luke and when Tim would talk about the sadness of leaving his son at college, I knew just what he was talking about. When he glowed with pride about the upcoming gradation of Luke, I also knew what he felt.

My hope is that after the dust settles from this tragic, sudden loss, that news people everywhere will ask themselves the question, when faced with a tough situation, "What would Tim Do?" Striving for that standard alone would result in news that truly would be "fair and balanced."

George Clooney's Apparently Not A Big Boob

2008-06-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

As it is in any celebrity break up everyone is now speculating that the reason George Clooney broke up with girlfriend, Sarah Larson (picture to your left) is because she had breast augmentation surgery this spring even though he thought she looked just fine and didn't want her to have it.

That (possible) fact made me like George even more - imagine, a man not obsessed with big breasts? A guy who thinks it's better for a woman to love herself just as she is? As a not-so-well-endowed woman I applaud him!

What I found interesting (besides the fact that this is most likely a pretty lame and not true reason for the breakup) is what bloggers have done with this "information."

I have found on some sites blogger writing that this just adds fuel to the fire that George MUST be gay. Yes, because to be a "real" man you must love big, fake, plastic breasts.

I've always hearted George Clooney, but if this is true I think he's a great guy. Sarah is a tall, very thin woman, big breasts don't usually come in that package. Thankfully there are men who find that attractive. Not everyone finds this attractive. And thank God for that.

Harvard Grads Need To Get Over Themselves

2008-06-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

I was pretty amazed to read this week that several members of the Harvard graduating class of 2008 were not pleased to have had mega-successful "Harry Potter" author JK Rowling as their graduation speaker. Many of them thought they "could have done better."

Really? Hmm... I pondered this because I truly could not believe that anyone could be snobby enough to think that a woman who truly by her own wits and imagination had pulled herself from poverty and become one of the most powerful and successful women in the world wasn't good enough for them.

When JK Rowling wrote the first "Harry Potter" book she was a divorced single mom working a not-so-high paying job at Amnesty International while she worked hard to make her dream of becoming a writer come true.

Now as the mother of a young woman who just graduated from Wellesley College I know like us, not everyone who goes to a prestigious and expensive college is wealthy. Many families like ours were blessed with financial aid that put this great education within reach. So I had to check myself and not react by thinking, "What a bunch of snobby, spoiled brats." But I have to admit, it is what I thought.

I can't think of anyone more inspiring than a woman like Rowling who had a dream and brought it to fruition. Anyone who soley characterized her as a "children's book author" needs a reality check and a swift kick to the head.

Hopefully once these complainers get out into the real world, the one beyond the ivy covered halls, they will see that what Rowling has accomplished is beyond anything most of them will ever do.

As a writer I have complete respect for others who like me, can't not write. To see someone make it to the level Ms. Rowling has is humbling. Anyone should be thrilled to listen to what she has to say. Maybe she didn't go to Harvard, but she created Hogwarts, and that ain't too shabby.