In today's London Times I read an article about being a "good wife." When I saw the headline I admit I had visions of suggestions of wrapping yourself in Saran Wrap or making sure you've got a pot roast in the oven and that his socks are properly sorted. What I read was nothing like that.
Now as a disclaimer - I'm the first to admit that being divorced might preclude me from waxing too seriously about how to be a good wife, but actually having been divorced may give us divorced folks a better perspective - we sure know what doesn't work.
As I read the above article what I realized was that the message was mostly about being kind and being supportive. Now call me the anti-Christ of feminism, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Why wouldn't you want to be with someone who makes you feel good about who you are and is unfailingly supportive?
Of course these are things that go both ways. Being a good husband requires the same support and kindness as well.
I wince at the way I hear some women talk about their husbands and men in general. I happen to like men. Very much so. Sure they think differently than women do, but they're not dumb Neanderthals dragging their knuckles on the ground waiting for us to tell them what to do.
Author Ayelet Waldman caught a whole lot of hell when she wrote about loving her husband more than her children. She spoke of not replacing the passion she feels for her husband with how she feels about her children. She was pilloried for saying this, but I think she had a point.
The "good wife" article goes on to talk about the importance of kissing and having sex as well. Think about that the next time you ignore your significant other in favor of updating your status on Facebook or watching "Project Runway." It just seems that we've decided that TV, computers and cell phones are more important than the person we share our lives with. Maybe it is an outdated ideal I have, but I think nothing is more important than relationships, and at the top of that list is the relationship with your partner.
Last year I read a book, "Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off The TV And Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!)" by Douglas Brown and first thought, damn it, why can't I come up with a high concept book idea like this, and second, I think the author had a point. The more often you are affectionate and loving, the more you want to be.
So what does it mean to be a good wife or husband? I think it's pretty simple - always remember to treat your mate like the treasured friend they are. Too often people treat their spouse in ways they'd NEVER treat their best friend. Don't let stupid things get in the way. Socks and tops of toothpaste tubes don't matter in the long run. Take the time to remember why you chose this person in the first place.
And then make sure you kiss. A lot.
1 comment:
I totally agree with this sentiment, but I think it is sad that being kind to your spouse is even a topic of discussion. Why isn't this the norm?
Years ago I realized that the secret to a successful marriage is to ALWAYS treat your partner the way you want him (or her) to treat you. When someone feels completely loved and accepted for who they are, they can't help but love you back. The more love you show, the more love you get. It's like a Karmic boomerang.
Socks on the floor don't even figure into it. Our rule is if it bothers you, then it's your responsibility to fix it. Don't expect your partner to do it. So if socks on the floor bothered me, I'd pick them up and not even mention it.
The same goes for the bigger things like the bathroom that needs painting. At some point it will bother one of us (most likely me) enough to actually pick up a paintbrush. Until then it isn't even a conversation. Life is hard enough without fighting over silly things that really don't matter in the long run.
Great post, Candy! Very thought provoking.
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