Sometimes a breakdown = a breakthrough

Relationships. Not a huge word, but huge subject.

You could write a book about it. Wait, lots of people have, and we don't seem to any smarter about them, well, I'm sure not.

In theory it doesn't seem like it should be as hard as we make it. Boy meets girl, they have a spark, they like each other, hopefully it grows to more, and everyone lives happily ever after. Ends up, that really is a fairy tale.There's a lot of false starts, broken hearts, misunderstandings and fights along the way.

In this week alone we've watched Kate Winslet split from Sam Mendes and ever more surprisingly, had to watch the public humiliation of Sandra Bullock dealing with the alleged infidelity of her husband, Jesse James. Why is it so hard to love and be loved?

I've spent a lot of time on a lot of couches trying to figure this out. Therapists couches, folks, get your minds out of the gutter. And after reading book after book, every woman's magazine on the planet, interviewing experts and waging my own unsuccessful experiments, I'm no closer to the answer.

I've been reading the book, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin and happened this week to be reading about love. And I came up with a theory of my own.

In the book she describes a week where she is just nice to her husband all the time. She doesn't question him when he wants to go the the gym when she's really looking for some help with the kids, packs his lunch, does errands for him and is just an all around super nice partner. Sounds great, right?

I believe that you treat people how you wish to be treated. So, I'm nice. I try to be thoughtful, caring, considerate and undemanding. I cut people a pretty wide berth. I have worked hard to learn to respond and not react, I take responsibility for myself and try to not blame others for whatever my lot seems to be.

But there's a downside to this I've discovered. By being so nice all the time and seeing the other person's point of view, being patient and understanding, it's easy to forget your own needs. When that little voice pops up in my head telling me I don't like something, I tend to rationalize it away and find a way to on the surface be okay, but underneath it all, not so much.

I've been told I'm sweet, (which I believe is the female equivalent of being a "nice guy" and we all know how well that usually turns out) and I'm thinking maybe being sweet isn't always such a good thing. There's a reason why books like "Why Men Love Bitches" become best sellers.

In the span of less than three years I lost both of my parents, and almost lost my oldest son, twice to drug overdoses. These events profoundly changed me. What used to seem important isn't anymore - if someone is late, hey, I'm glad they are alive and well. Small, irritating things really don't seem important.

But what I've found is that in trying to be so Zen-like about the things that really do bother and hurt me, I kind of lost myself. And here I was thinking, rather ironically, I'd really found myself, and the perfect way to be in a relationship. The thing was though, I still had the same needs I always did - to be appreciated, heard, respected, valued and loved, but I was so busy putting others' needs ahead of my own I kind of forgot to ask for that. Perhaps after having lost so much I've erred on the side of wanting to please, lest I lose more.

So my new theory is that yes, you can be nice, be kind and loving, and do all the things you truly love to do for others, but you have to be just as nice to yourself and ask for what you need too. That's a stretch for us nice girls, we're not always very good at that, but I do truly think that's the answer.

It's not rocket science, but who knows, it's simple enough that it might just work.

Does Tiger Woods Owe Me Anything?

Yesterday I watched the first stage of the Tiger Woods apology tour. I wasn't alone, I heard that trading even slowed on Wall Street as he stood there reading his prepared statement before a select group of family, sponsors and sports management folks.

As I watched I didn't feel cynical, I thought he seemed sincere, and extremely uncomfortable. I could imagine nothing much worse for a guy than standing there, in front of his mother no less, talking about how he had extra martial relationships with not just one, but many women.

But what has struck me as much more interesting than his actual statement has been the inevitable aggressive post mortem that has transpired in the less than 24 hours since.

Angry news people and women he slept with, all critiquing and analyzing body language, weighing every word and examining every nuance with a scrutiny usually reserved for frame by frame examination of the Zapruder film. I half expected to see people with torches and pitchforks running through the street.

"I don't think he's really sorry!"

"Yeah, he seemed rehearsed!"

"He should have just spoken, not read something!"

"I hate him!"

What do these people want? Honestly, if I was ever in that situation I'd want a script too. I cannot imagine anything more humiliating than having to stand before the entire world talking about my sex life.

But other than those personally impacted by his choices - namely his wife, children, mom and co-workers, who does he owe? Certainly not me.

He screwed up. Big time. His behavior is beyond the pale in indiscretion, selfishness and insensitivity to his wife. No one deserves to ever be so disrespected, disregarded and mistreated. Elin and only Elin can decide if she can forgive him and work toward repairing their marriage. That choice is hers alone and is none of my business.

As for the women he cheated with who feel they too deserve an apology and more than they've gotten, I say, really????? Really???? You had relationships with a married man. You're not a victim, you made a choice. Tiger Woods is a celebrity, it's not like you didn't know he was married. To those who have cashed in on the fact that they slept with him I say, well, quid pro quo, ladies, - you have truly screwed each other.

Maybe I'm alone in my thinking, but I don't feel Tiger Woods owes me a thing. I don't deserve, need or want to know how many women he slept with, what they did, where they did it or why. There's only one person who deserves those answers and it's certainly not Oprah, Anderson Cooper or me.

Love it or Hate it, Valentine's Day is Coming

I spent a good part of last week writing an article for the Cape Cod Times about Valentine's Day to run on February 12. The theme was great love stories. I asked several people to tell me about their favorite love song, movie or book. I got a myriad of answers, and I learned something else: lots of people HATE Valentine's Day. I mean REALLY hate it. I have to admit I was a little stunned at the intensity of these feelings.

Admittedly I have had my own strained relationship with the holiday. Mostly I've loved it, but there have been times I've been a bit less than simpatico with the day. Sometimes it served as a reminder of a lost love, or felt like a flashing sign screaming "loser" when strolling the aisles of my local CVS looking to purchase nail polish remover and the latest copy of Glamour, and coming face to face with teddy bears dressed as cupid. There were times, in the past I wanted to rip their furry little heads off.

But no more. I've made peace with Valentine's Day in last few years and have become one of its biggest fans, even in the face of detractors willing to pitch heart shaped candies at my loving, smiling face. I am now leading a one-woman campaign to help people see it isn't just about romance, it's about love. It's not about breaking the bank to buy over-priced roses and jewelry, it's being kind and thoughtful to those you love - whether it's a child, partner, parent or pet.

I think Valentine's Day is the sweetest holiday of the year. There's no big rush to buy everyone you know a gift, no endless to-do list or huge meal to prepare for your entire extended family. It's simple and it' s sweet.

And in my mind, any day that gets us to think about loving one another and being sweet is indeed a very good thing.

Being Naked Isn't Always Pretty

So I was reading this blog post today about how good being naked is for you, and I was thinking, yeah, well, maybe not in every circumstance or for every body.

I've never been someone who likes to sit around naked, do chores naked or write naked. I kind of have to say the thought of any of those things makes me feel pretty uncomfortable. And chilly.

Perhaps it's being a New Englander. Not only does the persistent cold and dampness preclude round the clock nudity, it's a mindset. I cannot imagine my old maid aunts (or, "unappropriated blessings" as my grandfather apparently called his sisters) sitting around playing canasta in the nude. Having met my great aunts, Emma and Mary on many occasions, I can pretty much bet they never got naked. Ever.

I'm sure we've all had naked friends, you know those people who are oh so free and uninhibited. There were a couple of women at the gym I used to go to who would stand there buck naked and carry on a conversation with me as they put lotion on, brushed their hair and way too slowly finally got dressed. I always wanted nothing more than to hand them a towel and cover them up.

Maybe I'm a bit of a prude. Or shy, or very easily made uncomfortable. I'd wager all three. I just don't need to see all of anyone I'm not in an intimate relationship with. And lord knows I don't want to be showing all God and a lifetime of questionable food and exercise choices, and baby making has given me to just anyone. I like to think by the time I get to that point in a relationship, that the select person invited into my nerve wracked world has already been blinded by my charms. And if that doesn't work there's always the forgiving nature of very dim candlelight, and the equally forgiving effect of a couple of glasses of wine.

Emma Eun Bee - The Best Almost Christmas Gift Ever

Twenty-one years ago today someone came into my life who forever changed it very much for the better. That person is my daughter, Emma who on December 6, 1988 arrived into our family on a plane from Seoul, Korea.

Emma was tiny. At three-years-old she was barely on the growth chart, weighing in at only about 23 pounds and 32 inches tall. After over 24 hours of travel her hair was matted, she had green gook running from her nose and she spoke no English. But from the second I'd seen her photos months before, she was my daughter. As soon as I saw those above photos of that tiny girl with her name pinned to her shirt, I fell in love.

I've always had a very hard time writing about how I feel about any of my children because I love them so much words just escape me. I truly don't have the words to say how much I love her. Emma has been such a gift in my life, I cannot imagine how my life would look without her.

I'm one of those lucky moms who can honestly say Emma isn't just my daughter, she's a friend as well. Granted, a friend who gives me a really hard time, teases me relentlessly and makes me question myself, but that's a big part of why I adore her. She is sassy, smart, funny and despite her attempts to hide it from everyone - she's a loving, caring young woman.

When Emma graduated from Wellesley College a year and a half ago, I sat there wishing her birth mother could see her. That she could see how her selfless act of letting her toddler daughter go to a country thousands of miles away had turned out. Here she was, this girl who'd been orphaned in Seoul, Korea graduating from the school of Hillary Clinton and Madeleine Allbright. I thank this woman I will never know for entrusting me to love and raise the daughter she gave birth to. I am forever in her debt and hope on some level she knows just how much I adore the girl she named Eun Bee.

Emma is now back in Korea for one year. She always wanted a chance to go back and spend some real time in the country of her birth. She's teaching English to elementary and middle school students who don't believe she is Korean because she dresses and sounds like an American. She is loving her time there and learning more about what it means to be a Korean American.

She loves to tell me that it took 21 years, but that she finally found a way to escape the US and find her way back to Korea, away from the crazy white people who adopted her. I know however, that as much as she loves to tease and torment me that she loves me as much as I love her. Well, maybe almost as much.

Is Bella Swan of "Twilight" a Good Role Model? I'm Not So Sure

I read all four of the "Twilight" books last winter and while they weren't great literature, I had a good time reading them. I did however always have my concerns about the messages being sent to the tween and teen girls the books were targeted at.

Last night I went to see "New Moon" with a friend and both of us had some real concerns and questions about what girls were being told about what love looks like and how relationships should be.

There are some spoilers here, so be aware!

In this second book of the four, Edward, the sparkly vampire, leaves Bella who completely falls apart without him. All right, so we've all been heartbroken at least once in our lives and it sucks. But. most of us move on, right? Not Bella. She sits looking out her window for months and months. She loses weight, she sits alone at school and ceases all contact with any friends. Can we say co-dependent anyone?

The only thing that brings Bella out of her funk is when she starts hanging around with Jacob, her werewolf friend. She's seems to only be okay when there is a guy in her life who becomes her whole life. Not exactly the message I would have wanted my daughter to be getting at 13, or any age for that matter.

My friend Sandy brought up two great points as well: We don't really know Bella. She is a blank canvas. All we see is her obsession with Edward. Does she like dance? Sports? Reading? We don't know because she is like a hologram, an empty shell of a person other than her love for Edward. She is so completely dependent on him that it caused my daughter to say while reading the books, "Bella needs to grow a pair." She appears strong in some ways, but only when it comes to Edward, without him she ceases to live, until she gloms on to Jacob, essentially using his love for her to make herself feel better. She's really not a very nice girl.

Sandy's second point, very well taken, is the subtle message of domestic violence in the movies and books. There's always the possibility that Edward could hurt her, and he's protective of her to the point of controlling her and treating her like a child. He's a guy, he knows better, she needs to listen to him. There are elements of stalking in the way he's always there, watching her. We are given the message that she cannot be safe or function in the world without Edward right there. It makes me think of the No Doubt song, "I'm Just a Girl." You're just a girl so be careful!

Worse that this is the wolf pack couple, Sam and Emily. Emily bears a disfiguring scar on her face from a time Sam got angry and phased from man to wolf and attacked her. But, here she is, lovingly making muffins for them all when Sam comes in, pulls her into his arms and kisses her. Is the message girls are getting, "Hey girls, just because a guy gets mad and hurts you doesn't mean you still shouldn't love him"? Men get angry every day and hurt the women they supposedly love. It's not okay. And being a werewolf is not an excuse!

As we drove home from the movie we talked about the seriousness of the messages about love that girls are getting from these books and it's a bit disturbing. Young girls are impressionable and what they read and see on screen does impact what they think love should look like.

My hope is that girls can override the messages in these stories, see them as flawed fairy tales and know that they are valuable people who can survive and thrive without a boy/vampire/werewolf in their lives. Anyone who has read the entire series knows that eventually Bella gets her wish to give up her mortal life and become a vampire, able to live for all eternity with her beloved Edward. Do we really wants girls thinking about giving with their lives for the boys they love? That's not romance, that's suicide.

I think a much better cinematic role model, if you're looking for one, might just be Bridget Jones who ends up with Mark Darcy, a man who loves her just as she is. And she doesn't even have to become undead to be with him, she just gets to be herself. All in all, a pretty good message.

My Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade

Recently I was reading my dear friend's blog where he had listed his top ten TV shows of the decade and was struck by the fact that while there were some choices (several actually) I agreed with, it was still a decidedly "guy" list. So, I decided to make my own list. My own girl-centric list.

So herein lies my Top Ten All Time Favorite TV Shows of the Decade. These may not all be critical winners, but I love them.

10. "South Park." This show isn't always great, but when it's on, it's spot on. Who can forget the "Trapped in the Closet" episode?
9. "Ally McBeal." It's easy to forget this show because it's been off the air for a few years, but it was edgy and broke boundaries with it's unusual story lines, dancing babies, cute pajamas and frogs. And whimsy, there's not enough whimsy on TV.
8. "Daily Show"/"The Colbert Report." Sad or not, these two back to back Comedy Central shows are one of my favorite sources of new. Smart, incisive and willing to offend anyone and everyone, they are often the first ones to point out hypocrisy where it needs a spotlight.
7."The Sopranos." Okay, so the series end was a little vague, but it was a show that kept me coming back season after season.
6. "30 Rock." I adore Tina Fey. I think she's a genius. Any woman who can be the head writer of "Saturday Night Live, " write "Mean Girls," and create this series is totally my hero.
5. "Mad Men." The show just ended it's third season and it's already in my top five. The characters are well drawn, the set and costume design are stellar, the writing is top notch and the acting is superb.
4. "Rescue Me." This series about a group of New York City Firefighters in a post 9/11 NYC is gritty, hard hitting, funny at times and always intense and thought provoking. As both its star and co-writer, Denis Leary is amazing.
3. "The Office." I just love the lads and ladies of Dunder Mifflin.
2. "Sex and the City." This show has great dialogue like: Charlotte: "I just know no matter how good I feel about myself, if I see Christy Turlington, I just wanna give up."
Miranda: "Well I just want to tie her down and force feed her lard, but that's the difference between you and me."
1. "Gilmore Girls." This may not have been a super critically acclaimed show, but the writing was magnificent and completely holds up a few years after the series end. Admittedly it did jump the shark when Luke had a previously unknown daughter show up in the next to last season, but it still remains my favorite if for no other reason that the love I have for my own daughter and that special bond only a mother and daughter can share.