At my writing group the other night we got talking about marriage, specifically about whether or not things were better, simpler back in the 1950s and 60s. This was by the way, somewhat on topic dealing with one members work in progress, but we are certainly not above digressing. I offered that if my whole life was solely about doing the laundry and making sure dinner was on the table at 6 I would go insane. As domestic as I can be, (I hate to clean but love decorating and cooking) I have to feel fulfilled creatively to be happy.
Yesterday while on my daily walk I got thinking about marriage, based on the discussion the night before. Not a small topic to ponder. Being divorced, people often ask me if I would ever get married again. My answer varies depending on how I'm feeling that day. Some days I am imbued the idea of loving someone so much that I would promise to be there for them for the rest of my life. On other days I think it is incredibly naive to think you can know today how you will feel about someone one year from now, ten years from now, heck, even the next day.
There is something incredibly... I don't know, optimistic I guess about choosing to get married. I'm not so sure I'm as optimistic about love anymore. Divorce can do that to you. You have to have faith that this person, this ONE person is the person you will always and forever love. No matter what. Of course there will be good days and bad, but you are willing to take that leap and promise "till death do you part." That's a great thought when you're in your 20s, and I believed that when I made that promise at the insanely young age of 20. But, things happen. People fall out of love, crises pull you apart and you change. What you wanted and needed at 20 isn't the same over 40. It seems the rare couple who can pull off growing together and allowing their partner to be who they need to be, even if it's a bit different than the person they married.
At this stage in my life I'm not so sure I see a reason to be married, but there is the spiritual part of me that thinks there's something very special about committing yourself to someone before those you love. But, there's another part of me, some might think an immoral part, who thinks choosing every day that this is in fact where you want to be because you choose to be, not because you have to be is appealing as well.
While on my walk this morning, as always I popped on my iPod and began selecting songs, still thinking about relationships and where I stand. While I hopped from song to song, I kept thinking about love and marriage. I started off with the Oscar winning song from the movie, "Once," "Falling Slowly." Then I admit, I clicked on the Britney's "Gimme More," hey, it's got a good beat for walking. As hiked on, listening to OMDs "If You Leave," I got thinking about how attached we get when we fall in love and then all bets are off. I readily admit that until I fall in love I am very good at being detached and rational. Once my feelings kick into high gear, well then all bets are off. I don't think that's a good thing, and it's a good reason to look before I leap.
The last song I listened to was Common's, "I Want You."
As I listened and walked to the sensual beat, and pictured the very handsome and sexy Common, I thought, who are you kidding thinking you have any control over any of this? I am the person for whom the term, "Fool for love" was coined.
I'm just not sure I'm foolish enough to take those vows one more time. I truly don't know if I could do it. A part of me really understands George Clooney's stance on saying he will never marry again. If it hasn't worked, why do it again?
I really don't know how I feel. Or would feel if it ever comes down to that. Ultimately I guess it will depend on who's doing the asking.
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