Monday, November 24, 2008

"11 Things He Wants"? How About 1112 Things SHE Wants?


As a single woman I am always drawn to lists which claim to FINALLY shed a light for we ladies who seem to just be stumbling in the dark completely unable to figure out what a guy wants. There's always a common denominator, a thread that connects all the lists. Namely - give them space and blow jobs. Yeah, it's not exactly rocket science.

In this latest contribution to the theater of the obvious, writer Erik Parker gives us his "11 Things He Wants," and honestly, there's not one surprise. That's not true, what's a surprise that is in 2008 men are writing crap like number 6: "A heads-up when you just need us to listen. Sometimes all you really want to do is vent to us about something. A simple warning in advance and we promise we’ll stay quiet and let you talk it out." Wow. Words almost escape me. Seriously? You're in a relationship and he needs a freaking cue that he needs to listen to you and be aware enough of who you are to know to listen to you? Make sure you have a signal for when you're about to leave him because otherwise he might not notice.

So I got thinking about my own list, and have 11 (all right, 12) Things We Want.

1. Awareness. This is pretty broad, and might take some practice, but it's quite simple: pay attention. Whether it's is a dishwasher that needs to be emptied, trash that needs to go out, some support when we're having a tough time, we're not the only adult in the relationship. We want to feel more important than a football game or your Blackberry.

2. Patience. Moodiness and crankiness are deal breakers for me. Be a grown up and keep it together. Don't be a big baby. You snap at me or are passive aggressive, and I'm outta there.

3. Don't ogle other women when you're with us. It's disrespectful, and seriously, by the time you're an adult you've seen a lot of breasts, legs and shapely bottoms, there's nothing out there you haven't seen before. You're not 13 anymore, keep it together.

4. Sense of humor. In my life I've had to deal with a lot of not-so-fun things. Without a sense of humor I would be in a padded room right about now. A litmus test for me is deciding if a man would be a great person to get a flat tire with. Since I tend to get stressed and worried I need someone who is just the opposite. A "no worries" kind of guy. Though if they actually say "no worries!" that's not good.

5. Compassion. Sensitivity and compassion are not wimpy emotions, they are human.

6. Ability to communicate.
I've dated a fair amount of people. Most of the time I end up feeling like I'm a relationship circa about 7th grade. Maybe sophomore year high school. Most people don't bother to do the work and grow, it's all the same knee-jerk reactions you've had since you first began dating. I don't want a middle-schooler, I want an adult.

7. Manners. Just because you are comfortable with someone should not mean all bets are off and you can just be a pig. I don't want to watch you floss, cut your toenails or deal with constant flatulence. In return I will try to keep my beauty regimes to myself.

8. Realism. In Parker's list he has an item about giving your man permission to have sex with a celebrity on his top five list IF the opportunity ever arrives. Seriously? Parker, how fucking old are you anyway? Do you really think Heidi Klum is going to come up to you in Starbucks and offer to do you? Yeah, ain't gonna happen, dude. Get over it.

9. Sex. Let's get over the stereotype that women don't want to have sex, do it because they "have" to, and just aren't interested. Bullshit! When you're with someone who you care about who cares about you, and is thoughtful, passionate and caring, it is the absolute best thing ever. When however it seems like something on a to-do list or a conquest, not so much.

10. Strength. I'm not talking Popeye, this is more an internal, intrinsic strength of spirit. I may invoke the hatred or women everywhere by saying as independent as I am I want to feel a little protected. Not controlled, but like the man I'm with looks out for me a bit. I'd do the same right back, so don't go thinking I'm trying to be the pretty, pretty princess or anything.

11. Ethics. Someone with good values and morals is essential. You can't trust someone who doesn't hold the same values you do. Trust is built on a foundation of believing in who someone is. There's nothing more manly than a guy who is honorable, honest and true to the people he loves. Conversely, there's nothing more unappealing than a man who is unfaithful, lies and disrespects the trust others put in him.

12. To be romanced and wooed. Feeling special and treasured is the best thing ever. Not that the right guy with some throwdown is bad either. A nice balance of both is good.

I know as time goes on I'll think of many more, but this is my first stab at my 12.

What would some of your have-tos be?

No comments: