Susan Boyle: Perfect Just As She Is

Like many people, over the last couple of days I've been hearing a lot about a lovely Scottish woman, Susan Boyle with an amazing voice. This sweet, unassuming woman sang a song from "Le Miserables," so beautifully it even softened the often-grouchy Simon Cowell and caused the audience to rise from their seats yelling and clapping.

But, it's started already - the desire to make her over. A writer whom I love, Ann Leary, wrote about how women are often critiqued for their looks on her blog yesterday, and it caused me to follow through on something I'd been wanting to write about.

I saw Simon Cowell and the rest of that British audience rolling their eyes at Susan Boyle. See, she's not pretty in the conventional sense. I confess I had those thoughts as I watched her, wanting to "pretty her up." You know, wax the brows, fix the hair, convince her dark hose with white shoes isn't a great look. But then I thought about it and asked the question: Says who???

We are all awfully opinionated about how we should all look. Hey, I buy into it. MY hair is highlighted. I pluck, pumice and preen with the best of them, and I like it. One of my best friends, who is one of the most incredible people I know, isn't at all into that stuff. She'd rather chainsaw down a tree, play her fiddle or teach a child how to do math than fuss with her hair. She does however, paint her toenails. When I've pointed out the incongruity of this girly pursuit, she just shrugs her shoulders and says she like having her toes painted. God how I love her.

I was watching "Access Hollywood" or "Extra" last night - they're pretty interchangeable - and they had a makeup and hair person do a virtual makeover on Miss Doyle and showed her all prettied up. And it made me sad. What is wrong with the way she looks now?

If Susan Doyle wants to change her look she should, but my hope would be that if she doesn't that it wouldn't change her trajectory for success. But I know that won't be true. I can see it now - some stylist will get their bony hands on her and style her to be something different, something they feel is better - something the masses will think is an acceptable amount of pretty.

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder. I know the lens through which I look at others refocuses when I see beyond what I might initially see. I remember when my son Ben was in high school and had dreadlocks. I would see the looks he got, especially from older people who judged him without having a clue as to who he was. What they didn't see, beyond the hair, was the captain of the football team, the honor roll student, the REALLY nice kid who would hold a door or carry groceries for them.

Not everyone wants to be waxed, Botoxed and trussed like a turkey. Susan Boyle is sassy, brave, funny and incredibly gifted. So back off you crones with the scissors and makeup brushes, let the woman be who she is, I think she has a lot to teach us about what beautiful truly is.

Being Single: Blessing, Curse? Or Maybe A Bit Of Both?

Last night, before I shut down my computer, I came across this blog post about being single written by Lea Lane on the Huffington Post.

Ms. Lane gave some compelling reasons for being single that seemed pretty wonderful.

While I was lying awake at about 4 o'clock this morning, I started writing my own pro/con list on singledom in my head. We'll see how many of the things that seemed so brilliant in the middle of the night I remember.

Pros:
1.When I wake up in the middle of the night I can read, watch a movie or write with no worries about disturbing someone else.
2. There's a freedom to not having to check in with someone else when making plans.
3. Instead of looking for someone else to fix something - whether it's a toaster or a bigger problem, I don't look to someone else to fix it for me. When it's up to you a resourcefulness kicks in forcing you to dig deep. With that I've learned I can do a lot of things I never thought possible.
4. Being on my own has allowed me to spend the time I've needed on my writing. I've written a novel, created this blog, and created a career as a journalist. It's probably not always a good thing, but no one, especially now that my kids are on their own, is pulling me to stop working.
5. At some point most everyone will be alone. Having the skills to do it and be okay is reassuring and confidence building. I will only be with someone if it feels right, I won't do it out of fear of being alone. A friend's mom once told me, "Better to be alone than wish you were alone." There's nothing more lonely that being in a relationship that isn't working. At least when you're single there's always hope something new will come along.

Okay, here on the cons:
1. It can be lonely sometimes to not have one special person to whom you really matter and vice versa.
2. Sometimes two more hands would come in really handy when you're trying to get a lot done. A partner to share to day to day have-tos with, someone to spur you on when you really don't want to clean the garage.
3. There's an intimacy that is missing when you're single. Not sexually necessarily, though that can be an issue for sure, but emotional intimacy that only comes from truly being in it for the long haul with another person.
4. A partner can give you another perspective, another point of view that opens you up to new thoughts and experiences.
5. I believe most of us want someone to be a witness to our lives. Someone who will notice the way we live our life, who we are, and support our dreams. I've got a lot of great friends who are there for me, but you know, it's really just not the same.

As I tossed and turned from 4 until 5, I didn't come up with any definitive answers. Bottom line, I think we're a coupling species and will always be searching for a mate. I just want to make sure I choose the right one so that what I'm giving up is more than made up for by what I'm gaining.

Why Is Everyone So Mad At "The Bachelor"?

By now we've all seen or heard about "the most dramatic (after rose) ceremony EVER on this season's, "The Bachelor."

The reason everyone seems to hate bachelor contestant Jason Mesnick is because he asked one finalist, Melissa, to marry him, weeks later changed his mind, and asked the girl he let go, Molly for another chance.

It wasn't easy to watch him break young Melissa's heart, but as I watched it I actually had to give him credit for not stringing along someone he didn't feel was a fit. Remember all those dates, the home town visits all happen in about six weeks. Not enough time really to know how the hell you feel about someone.

The other important factor to remember is that these are people who signed up to find love on what is basically a game show. Yes these are real people with real feelings, but they signed up WILLINGLY for this. No arm twisting involved.

I'm going to anger some people (especially women) here, but I truly believe that Jason had to be true to himself, and that all involved are grown-ups. To me it's sad that there's still this expectation that it's a man's job to make this fairy tale come true, and a guy should "man up" already and just marry the girl. The disparaging remarks about Jason being a guy who cries shows how far we haven't come in allowing men to be real people - not knights, not walking wallets just real people. People who should be allowed to show emotions and change their minds. I don't recall "Bachelorette" Deanna catching so much heat when she broke up with her choosen one, Jesse.

Maybe it's being the sister of a brother and mother of two sons that gives me a different perspective about guys. Don't get me wrong - I'm a girl's girl, but I get tired of the double standard: We want respect, independence, financial equality BUT we expect men to appear to not have their own needs, feelings and expectations. AND make a boat load of money to buy us stuff.

In all honesty I had more questions - as a woman - as to why Molly didn't think enough of herself to take a breath and tell Jason they could talk and see where things went. Instead she was like a giddy teen nuzzling and kissing him, so grateful he came back to her. He picked me! I actually expected her to yelp.

I think we need to stop thinking of Melissa as a helpless victim. If women want to be treated as equals we need to not expect that men are supposed to put a ring on it and rescue us. And we have to learn to not feel the need to compete on national TV against 25 other women in hopes that a man will deign to choose us. If you want control in your life you don't choose to go on a show like "The Bachelor" to find a guy. You live your own life and do your own choosing, and realize no one else can complete you or make you happy. That's your job. Finding a great guy is just icing on the cake you already baked for yourself.

Sadly, Rihanna Is Acting Like Many Abused Women

When I read yesterday that Rihanna had gotten back together with her boyfriend, Chris Brown, who allegedly hit her I felt sick, and very sad.

Now of course I don't know these two, probably never will, but nonetheless I felt terrible.

What made me sad was all the young women AND men, who look up to these two thinking that beating someone you supposedly love is something you can just move on from, and that this choice was somehow legitimizing abuse.

Hitting a partner is not okay, never is, never will be. End of discussion.

What's equally disturbing is the number of comments on blogs from people saying she "deserved" it. What year is this?!

Just when I think women are finally getting somewhere in our world something like this comes along to remind me, um, yeah, not so much. Sadly, women who are abused all too often forgive the perpetrator, somehow locked in this messed up cycle of abuse, repentance, declarations of it never happening again, and then rinse and repeat.

At only 21, beautiful and successful, you would think that Rihanna does not fit the profile of a woman who would allow herself to be treated this way. But the thing is, self-esteem is complex - and what we see from the outside may not be at all what she feels. But just imagine how trapped a woman without the means she has may feel.

I just hope that every parent of every young girl who has danced around her bedroom to "Umbrella" or seen her adorable Cover Girl ads, will tell their daughter that it's not okay for a boy/man to hit them, and if it happens once, chances are it will happen again. Actions do indeed speak louder than words. People tell you things you want to hear, but they show you who they are every single day.

As I said, I don't know these two, and I wish them well. I just hate to see any girl anywhere think that just because Rihanna's boyfriend may have hit her and she forgave him that it's okay. It's not.

You Gotta Listen To Leon Jean Marie -And Not Just In That Tostitos Commercial

A couple of weeks ago I became obsessed with a song that I kept hearing in this animated Tostitos chips commercial. I did some digging and found out the song was "East End Blues" by a British musician named Leon Jean Marie.

I love, love, love music - though I have to say I have people in my life (two in particular) who have no problem pointing out what I don't know, but I still keep plugging along. I love it, as is the case with Leon Jean Marie, when I find an artist even they haven't heard of.

While I loved "East End Blues" enough to search it out, once I found that song though I fell in love with this song, "Trusted You." On all these videos the embedding has been disabled, so take the time to follow the links, you won't be disappointed, I promise!

All You "Single Ladies" Stop Worrying About Putting a Ring On It Already!

All right, so it's Valentine's Day. Again. The day that reduces otherwise competent, self-assured people into thinking there's somehow something wrong with them if there's no one giving them a heart shaped box of mediocre, not very tasty chocolates. Life is about a lot more than being one half of a couple, and all the Valentine swag can cloud that thinking. Seriously, I'm telling you - if you're single it's not an anomaly that's needs fixing, it's all right. You're all right.

I was talking to a young couple today about horrible reality TV - like "Rock of Love Bus," "Tool Academy" and "For The Love of Ray J." Long after the conversation ended I kept thinking about the women on those shows and what a huge step backwards women seem to have taken. Is it because they don't believe they're okay on their own? I don't know. I watch these women parading around in skimpy clothes thinking "Choose me! Choose me!" and it turns my stomach. What the hell happened to us?!

I came of age when "Roe V Wade" was fresh and new. I read "Ms" magazine as a young teen and believed women could do and be anything they wanted to be. Of course my choices weren't all that revolutionary - wife, mother, only to become a divorcee and single. I watch my daughter making much more adventurous choices than I did and I am thrilled. She's in no hurry to get anyone to put a ring on it, and that makes me very happy. Be complete yourself I believe, because it takes two whole people to make a complete couple.

So if you're not getting taken out for dinner by a guy, or some woman isn't bringing you homemade brownies in a trench coat with nothing underneath, (I think I've been watching too many movies) don't despair. It really is better to be alone than wish you were alone. It doesn't mean any of us who are single always will be, but I think it's much better to feel good about where you are rather than settle for something that just isn't quite right.

Why Do Women Have Such A Hard Time Realizing "He's Just Not That Into You"?

I might as well confess. I am a romcom whore. I love "Bridget Jones's Diary," "When Harry Met Sally," "Sleepless in Seattle," "27 Dresses"... yes, I admit it. I love romantic comedy. But I can also throw down with the best of them and gobble up Tarantino movies and love indie movies as well. But I have no shame in admitting my love for movies that are like a frothy pink cupcake with sprinkles on top. This probably explains iPod choices that range from Britney Spears to Q-Tip.

So I went to see "HJNTITY" this weekend and enjoyed it more than film aficionados would want me to, but I don't care. It got me thinking though, that no matter how well we know the truth about relationships - we don't seem able to believe it.

When the book came out the publisher sent me a copy, and so did my father. Yes, Freud would have a heyday with the father who left me as a little girl giving me a book titled, "He's Just Not That Into You." Truly, you can't make up this stuff.

So I read the book. I wrote about the book. I made fun of the obviousness of the advice: "If he's not calling, he's just..." How silly! How could any woman not know that?! Well it turns out, when we like someone we start to rationalize. And we're really good at it, and so are our friends. You will hear all sorts of excuses:
"He's probably intimidated by you because you're so awesome!"
"Maybe he's just really busy at work, you know how stressful his job is."
"He could be sick - maybe I should call and see if he's okay?"
And the classic: "I know he's into me, he's just scared."
Yes, and maybe a huge bookcase fell on him crushing him AND his phone.

I'll admit it, I've done it. And if you're being honest you have too. Somehow the thought that "He's just not into you," is totally liberating yet somehow just a little bit heartbreaking. We all want people to adore us, and can't understand it when they don't. Somehow I think all those rationalizations make the pain of rejection just a little bit easier to take. After all, everyone wants someone who's totally into them. But wait, what if he's really into you and you're not into him? Because for whatever reason that seems to happen a LOT.

I think it's amazing anyone ever gets together.