When things happen in my life one of my coping strategies is listening to music. Last night was an evening where I felt the need to go searching for music to help me deal with something I was trying to figure out. Sifting through my iTunes list for just the right song to go with how I was feeling, this is what I chose, "Freedom" by George Michael. No, I'm not trying to not-so-subtly come out of the closet, it was the chorus of "freedom" that I was attracted to. And no one was more surprised than me that I was drawn to that particular song.
See I had a misunderstanding/miscommunication/mishap with a gentleman friend and it brought up some things for me that I didn't even realize were there.
I did not become single by choice those many years ago, I was dragged kicking and screaming to singledom. I believed in marriage for life, and could not imagine a life without a spouse. Married at 20, first child at 21, two more to follow a bit later in my 20s,I had spent my entire adult life married and mothering. I enjoyed my Martha Stewart/June Cleaver life, though I wasn't always completely fulfilled creatively.
I got pretty used to being single in those early years, buffered from too much solitude and loneliness by children who kept me very busy.
But, they grew up, as children are wont to do, and initially it was very hard to be alone. But somewhere along the line something changed, I changed. After caring for other people for as long as I could remember, I didn't have to do that every day anymore. I got to think about who I really wanted to be and what I wanted my life to look like. And subtly, without my even being aware of it, I embraced a certain freedom.
I know I can be extremely driven, bordering on compulsive at times about achieving what I want in my life. It occurred to me last night that I had kind of become a bit of a guy - (not that women can't be high achievers too) independent, can't make time for a relationship, focused on making money and my career. Somewhere along the line I lost the gene that drove me to be Martha or June, and I don't know if I will get it back or not, or if I'd want to.
Now no one was asking me to bake a pie or scrub a floor, but I found I had a very visceral response to the thought that my freedom was being usurped in any form or fashion. And it really made me see something that when I was married I never got: You can get very used to being alone, and it's not all bad. I can, like I am now, write at 1 o'clock in the morning, leave a towel on the bathroom floor (oh my God, I AM a guy!) and not have to think about what someone else might want from me. After years and years of always factoring in other people, it's a new experience to not have to.
Of course there are the times it would be very nice to have someone - big bugs and scary noises leap to mind, but yes, I know there are deeper reasons as well.
I just find it all so interesting, I never expected to become someone who would be at all reluctant to give up any bit of freedom or space, but here I sit having become someone I really like, but who seems to have developed some boundary issues. I'm no longer panicked at being single, but now I've become so comfortable with it that I've gone the other way.
It's always something, isn't it?
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