What I've Learned From "The Bachelorette"

All right, so this is Graham - don't know his last name. Up until this week he was the guy that "Bachelorette" DeAnna Pappas was really falling for.

But... there were problems.

See, Graham is one of those "emotionally unavailable" guys. This is fancy code for: he will never be what you want him to be. He won't be able to really open up or be present.

And for me, and many women, that's like catnip.

DeAnna has several other guys to choose from, guys who are showing up and letting her know how they feel. But it was Graham she really liked.

On a trip to his hometown he initially was effusive and outgoing. He was open and so happy to see her. As the day went on he shut down and wouldn't talk to her about what he was feeling. She was understandably disappointed, and his mother telling her he never dated anyone longer than four weeks, and that he was a loner sure didn't help.

So, when it came time for the dreaded rose ceremony she decided to let Graham go and kept Jesse, Jeremy and Jason.

As she tearfully walked him out and said goodbye I thought about how I, and many other women I'm sure would have thought, "I can fix this!" And that's when I stopped in my tracks and thought, for someone on a reality show that DeAnna is very smart: she didn't let her feelings override her common sense. Something many of us don't do.

I've been reading a lot about George Clooney's break up with Sarah Larson and have been amazed at how stunned so many women writing these blogs are. Hello! The man says he NEVER wants to marry - how clear is that?! But we don't listen! Many think - "I can change him!"

As Graham sat there, welling up as he was being sent home, I did wonder if he got it at all. He could have gotten the girl if he'd been able to be present and actually let her in. But he couldn't do it, so he's gone.

DeAnna was a smart cookie. She saw the handwriting on the wall and saw this guy was who he was, and wasn't blinded by feelings. No amount of trying to change someone will EVER change them. People are who they are.

I never thought I'd learn anything from trashy reality TV, but that night I did: just because you find someone attractive and have all these feelings about them, you can't ignore what they are showing you. It reminded me of my favorite quote from the wonderful Maya Angelou:

"When people show you who they are, believe them."